A True Friend

This journal is dedicated to all my close friends....lately close friend has unintentionally or intentionally hurt my feelings. And at times I am feeling kinda alone.
A true friend will be there for you through thick and thin – good times and bad. It isn't too difficult to be friends with someone when life is filled with happiness and peace. It is something altogether different to have a friend who shares in your sadness and stays beside you even when things aren't going well.When strong friendships exist, mutual caring is evident. Doing things for one another, without expecting to have something done in return, is a sign of genuine friendship. So is being thoughtful and listening to friends when they need to open up.
When a friend is going through troubled times, being there to encourage them, even if it's just being a shoulder to cry on or to simply listen, can make all the difference in the world. Even when things are going great, having someone recognize and appreciate your accomplishments can be just as important. With so much emphasis placed on success and accomplishment this in this day and age, having someone to witness your achievements can make even the minor victories meaningful.
Unfortunately, sometimes, loyalty can be tested. We've all had situations where someone we'd consider a true friend has let us down. Friends, even true friends, are still human and because they're human they can make mistakes. Forgiveness is essential in friendships. Accepting a friend even though they may make a mistake shows them that you respect them enough to realize they're human.
No one is perfect. Have you always lived up to your highest potential? Sometimes, we can be the cause of problems that create negative effects for people who were counting on us. Because of this, friendships can be tested. A true friend accepts you, faults and all, though. A genuine friend understands that you make mistakes.
There are many reasons that you might decide someone is a good friend, and there are lots of reasons that you might want to pursue a closer friendship with someone. The color of friendship isn’t about race, ethnicity or skin color. It’s about two people who care about each other just as they are. Great friendships are formed when people will be there for each other, no matter what happens.
Friends become good friends because of these things, and because they enjoy spending time with each other. Friends don't become friends just because they look like each other, and people should never deny a friendship simply because they look different from each other. The true color of friendship shouldn’t be a color at all, but a feeling of belonging.
You can tell your true friends when they come to you for advice. If your friend is in need, they will often give you a call for helpful advice or simply to have a shoulder to cry on. Because that friend comes to you when they need help, it shows you that they think you are the person to help them. This is the ideal example of a true friend and something you should always keep in mind when a friend needs help.
The last reason why a friend who needs help is a friend indeed is that they will be there for you for both the laughter and the tears. Not only should two friends come together for fun times but also times of trouble. When you have a friend, make sure that the person whom you befriend is not a fair-weather friend and will stick by you no matter what. When the party is over, you want to be sure that your friend is still around. Although it is easier in the good times for many, it is when the rough times come along and you need help that you truly know who your friends are.

Drifting Apart

I thought that I knew you
But now I'm not sure

You used to be friendly
But not anymore

Each day we grow farther
Apart and I'm sad

We used to be best friends
The best I ever had.

At some point things changed
And our lives split apart

I miss you so much
In my life – In my heart.

Sometimes things must happen
And friends drift away

I wish it weren't us
I wish not this way.

My Days at Sunway Medical Center : (

I am writing this from my hospital bed at Sunway Medical Center.Got admitted yesterday at 9.30pm when my tummy got worst. I have been having my gastric attack the past 2 weeks and 3 times i had been to the clinic. None of the medicine I took helped to ease my gastric.
Today the doctor came to have a look at my problem and he said i needed to have endoscopic done to make sure that I am not having ulcer. I was so afraid of the word ENDOSCOPIC. Didn't know how the procedure would be done. I was so afraid to go thru another nightmare treatment.After the cancer treatment 2 weeks ago, I don't think I can take another treatment that would give me an excruciating pain like the one i had to go through 2 weeks ago.
At 10.30am, the doctor came to have a look at me and did some pressing here and there before he told me "Ok I will need to do endoscopic and some x rays on you". And when I asked him if the procedure was gonna hurt, his reply was "Oh no..its gonna be fun for the doctor"..
I was asked to removed all my 7 ear studs, my belly stud, toe ring..everything on my body that's metal.At 12.30pm the nurses wheeled my bed down to 1st floor and to a room called DIGESTIVE CARE ROOM. I was sooo hungry because the last meal I had was at 6pm yesterday. At 4am this morning a nurse woke me up to give me my medicine and Milo to drink. She told me that I had to fast at 7am for 6 hours.
At the DIGESTIVE CARE ROOM, i was given this orange syrup. It was sweet and a lil bit bitter when I drank it but after awhile..euuuuwwww!!!!..It started to taste weird in my mouth.Then again I was wheeled into a different room with scary equipment. The nurse could see my nervousness. She told me not to be afraid coz the doctor would be putting me to sleep before the procedure.Pheewww..
Then the doctor walked into the room, took a small syringe contain the liquid thats gonna put me right to sleep. The next thing I know, I woke up at a recovery room. My head felt so heavy only God knows.
Finally they wheeled me back to my ward where my dad n my best friend waited. I also saw a fruit basket on my side table and i knew my pantry gang came but had to go back to the office as it was 3.30pm. Thanks guys.




Above are some of the pictures during my stay at Sunway Medical Center. I miss my 2 angels and wish they are here with me. Sarah just called as I was uploading the pictures above. She wants me to come home but the doctor told me "NO NO NO... you have to stay one more night. Sob Sob Sob...I also miss 2 episodes of Sekar..Darn!...

Glogster

Finally Allah answered this particular request of mine

Everyday I prayed to Allah, to open my 2 brother's heart to come back and ask for forgiveness from my dad. Its been 2 years, since papa disowned them. 2 years ago, they both wrote a very nasty emails(which I still have, though i have forgiven them since that very day and do not hold grudges against them) to me and i mean really really nasty. At that time I had this evil maid..or rather would call her Maid Made In Hell. 2 years, she was with me, she told my ex husband and my brothers things weren't true about me. And because of that, my 2 brothers hate me til today and my ex husband used to send me nasty SMS every time she slandered me.
At that time all I could do was crying my heart out.People asked me how come I didn't chase her out of my house? My answer was "she is poor". Having her in my house for 2 years was like living as a prisoner in my own house.I lost my 2 brothers, I have an ex husband who kept sending nasty text messages to me (at the time she was with me and the spy for my ex husband..lol)
But the past 2 years, despite the nasty emails and accusation my 2 brothers made towards me, I have never stopped praying to Allah to open their heart to come to papa. I even asked Allah to take me away, maybe by taking me away they will come back to papa.
Yesterday, papa went to my cousin's place for a kenduri. He told me, he was talking to my auntie when suddenly my sister in law came to my dad and hugged him. About 10mins later, my brother came and hugged my dad, crying beg for his forgiveness.
Just last week over dinner I told my dad, "papa if the 2 of them come back during the Eid Mubarak, please forgive them".My dad was upset and said NO..then I told my dad " Allah is the greatest and He forgives anyone who ask for His forgiveness." and my dad kept quiet after hearing that remark.
And yesterday when I heard what happened, I was soooo overjoyed. Only Allah knows how happy I am now. Now i have to keep asking Allah to open the other brother's heart. I'm sure he will come back soon. And I know papa will have both sons back even though I know they are not gonna talk to me but it doesn't matter as long as I know papa forgives them.
Thank you soooo much of Allah

Secret Admire...SHHHHHH!!!

Saat aku tertawa diatas semua

Saat aku menangisi kesedihanku

Aku ingin engkau selalu ada

Aku ingin engkau aku kenang

Selama aku masih bisa bernafas

Masih sanggup berjalan kukan slalu memujamu

Meski ku tak tahu lagi engkau ada dimana

Dengarkanlah aku kumerindukanmu

Saat aku mencoba merubah segalanya

Saat aku meratapi kekalahanku

Aku ingin engkau selalu ada

Aku ingin engkau aku kenang

This is the song I listen to every day, every night. And each time I listen to it I wish I have someone to dedicate to..hehehheheeh. But who would that be? Well at this moment, I kinda like this person. But I can oly admire him from a distance.
I miss him when he doesn't call or doesn't text or YM me. He doesn't know and I will make sure he will never know. Oh dear! I don't know what will hapeen if he is to know that I kinda admire him. I guess its true when they said that when u like a person, you tend to keep all his or her text messages.
Hehehehe i know it's stupid but guess what...I'm guilty as charged. LOL. I kept almost all his text messages unless my inbox is kinda full. heheheheeheh. Well I am just gonna keep this as a secret and enjoy his company for as long as I can.

ME & my melacholic mood

Lately my body has been feeling very lethargic, but I must NOT show it to anyone. I must remain strong and fight for my life.And I don't know why, the past week, thought of my late mom keep coming to mind and it put me in a very sentimental mood lately.
Oh I heard this song which i fell in love with. DO U REALLY LOVE ME by AOP. Its a beautiful Indonesian song. Unfortunately I don't have anyone to dedicate it to. Normally any love song I would dedicate it to Allah and my kids, but this particular song is really meant for a couple thats in love.
Most of the times, I'm practically happy without a relationship, but at times I do feel kinda alone. ANd today I'm in that swing of melacholic mood and feeling really irritable and raw.And at this moment I really feel like I need someone to sit and talk to me and wish I have someone whom I can call my own, and when I am down, he would give me his shoulder and say..here! come here ellie, cry on this shoulder of mine..lol.
Every night I would turn on to my close friend's radio station. http://www.radioforfun.com. He is my close friend at Jakarta. Very nice guy and he is also in the same boat with me. Alone and no one to call our own. hehehehe.So at times he would cheer me up and I would cheer him up. He would play my request and sent me nice Indonesia songs.
(Yawnnnnn!!) Gosh I am really sleepy..I will continue writing tomorrow. Gudnite all

LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO SPENT BEHIND YOUR OFFICE DESK...LOL

Today, the first thing I saw when I turn on my YM was En Raffie's status. "Al Fatihah for Yasmin Ahmad...:( our prayers will be with her. She is one of the greatest local film maker.Gonna miss her great festive advertisements.
When I thought about her, how she collapsed during a meeting at Media Prima office, it makes me wonder about myself. She is a perfectionist and she was always busy with her work..its really scary. What if I it happen to me like what happen to Yasmin. She is 50 and I reckon by now she has everything in her life.
Even though I work for my kids, but whats the point if I collapsed and never to wake up again?Oh dear! I will miss out on the things I want to do with my kids and my dad. Perhaps its about time i change my priority in life. I should do what i enjoy doing and the most important thing is to give more time for my princess and my lil prince.
I know if Ridhwan and Sarah are given 2 choice..spent a quality time with their mom and to have material, they will choose spending time with me.
From now on, I am gonna reduce my time at the office. No more staying back late. Work will never be finished no matter how long I stay and do it. But the time I miss spending with my kids can never come back. Doctor told me I have 2 years, I refused to believe that because only Allah knows but just in case its shorter than what the doctor told me, at least i have spent the best quality time with my 2 angels.
Of course I will still fight for my life. The reason I do not want my dad to know that I am sick is because I do not want him to worry. Someday, when I am fully cured which I know I will, just someday, I might just tell him. But for time being, I just want to enjoy life with my daddy and my 2 kids..smell the flowers, hear the birds chirping, putting black henna on my nails and toe nails, watch movie, play my guitar etc etc etc. Of course not forgetting my no 1 duty which is to Allah.
I will take my life a day at a time and spent it wisely.

The Girl who Has 4 Boyfriends

Once upon a time there was this girl who had four boyfriends.
She loved the 4th boyfriend the most and adorned him with rich robes and treated him to the finest of delicacies .She gave him nothing but the very best.
She also loved the 3rd boyfriend very much and was always showing him off to neighboring kingdoms. However, she feared that one day he would leave her for another She also loved her 2nd boyfriend. He was her confidant and was always kind, considerate and patient with her. Whenever this girl faced a problem, she could confide in him, and he would help her get through the difficult times. The girls 1st boyfriend was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining her wealth and kingdom. However, she did not love the first boyfriend. Although he loved her deeply, she hardly took notice of him! One day, the girl fell ill and she knew her time was short. She thought of her luxurious life and wondered, I now have four boyfriends with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone." Thus, she asked the 4th boyfriend, "I loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No way!", replied the 4th boyfriend, and he walked away without another word.
His answer cut like a sharp knife right into her heart.The sad girl then asked the 3rd boyfriend, "I loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No!", replied the 3rd boyfriend. "Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to marry someone else!" Her heart sank and turned cold.She then asked the 2nd boyfriend, "I have always turned to you for help and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?" "I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time!", replied the 2nd boyfriend. "At the very most, I can only walk with you to your grave." His answer struck her like a bolt of lightning, and the girl was devastated.Then a voice called out: "I'll go with you. I'll follow you no matter where you go." The girl looked up, and there was her first boyfriend. He was very skinny as he suffered from malnutrition and neglect.Greatly grieved, the girl said, "I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!" In truth, you have 4 boy friends in your lives:Your 4th boyfriend is your body. No matter how much time and effort you lavish in making it look good, it will leave you when you die.Your 3rd boyfriend is your possessions,status and wealth. When you die, it will all go to others. Your 2nd boyfriend is your family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for you, the furthest they can stay by you is up to the grave.
And your 1st boyfriend is your Soul. Often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power and pleasures of the world. However, your Soul is the only thing that will follow you whereever you go. Cultivate, strengthen and cherish it now, for it is the only part of you that will follow youto the throne of God and continue with you throughout Eternity.
Thought for the day:Remember, when the world pushes you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray.

Im Confuse If Its Normal For Me to Feel this way.

All my life, i have never judged anyone. Not the prostitute at Lorong Alor,not the criminals who commit crime and not those who constantly do wrongs in their lives. As I am also human who repeatedly doing mistakes in my life so what gives me or others the right to judge other wrong-doers. What I am about to write is not that I am judging anyone. But lately I am a bit confuse.
My confusion started when this client of mine kept begging me to be his girlfriend. And if I agree to be his girlfriend, he would give me monthly RM2,000.00 allowance. I felt so insulted by the offer. Ever since this offer, I started to feel disgusted with many things when it comes to men and women.
It took me a long long time to get over my nightmare of my life which is the time I was raped for 5 years when i was 7 years old till 12 years old. I was ok and no more sitting in my NUMB SHELL(numb shell is a place in my inner thoughts where i will run to when I needed to feel safe or when I feel threaten).But when this particular client kept bugging me to be his so call girlfriend and on top of that paying me RM2,000.00 a month, once a week spent time together??? WTF?
I might be a single mom having to raise my 2 kids all by myself, but I definitely don't need this kinda offer..and the worst part is, he is bloody married. People are getting sooooo immoral. And so much that anyone proposed or confess to me about their feelings for me I will freak out.
I am happy the way I am now. Because with no relationship I can concentrate on my dad, my kids and my job. When I thought about it, why do I need a life partner..i mean I have my dad, i have 2 kids, a house thats almost fully paid, i have 2 cars and i have an interesting jobs and on top of all these, I have friends that are special to me like Zuriani, Sherry, Nini, Azlan, Sammy boy, Fahmi, Tuan Alwee, Amad, Ariff and few more..that care about my well being.
But I'm confuse...am I normal to be feeling what I am feeling right now? I mean I get freak out when anyone start to confess? Ayo..SOS...SOS..SOs...

Ellie is sick today

Its been 2 days I have been BedBound. It all started when i came back home last Sunday. I felt my throat hurt so bad and by night i was down with temperature. I blamed it on the haze. Its really bad the past few days. Monday, I still went to work despite waking up with No Voice. But because i had an appointment with my boss at Bernama Radio, I had to force myself to go to work.
By noon, i got sicker. And yesterday, i broke my own record. I got myself a 2 days MC. Damn! After 5 year of working and MC-FREE, yesterday I had my first MC(Medical Leave).
Today, this stubborn girl decided to force herself again to work. Reached the office at 9.45am, stayed till 10.15am, couldn't stand my headache and still having temperature, I finally decide to just go home and rest.
I hardly get sick.Heheheheh its like 4 years once. I hope because of the cancer, my body is not getting weaker. It has to be stronger day by day. Im a fighter and always will be a fighter.

Be Happy dont worry

I was so touched when I received comments from blogger and non-blogger about my blog. How things written in my blog have inspired some. I've always thought my truthful thought have hurt some readers.But when I received more positive comments than negative comments, I realised that in my blog is actually good to a lot of readers. Alhamdulillah. My blog is actually the story of my life and my inner thoughts about life.
I guess sometimes our culture doesn't permit freedom of speech. The funny part is that my blog belongs to me and I write as I please and what I really feel at that particular moment. Seriously, never in a second of my life, I have the intention of hurting anyone's feeling with my writing.
The hurdles i go thru in my life is God's way of making me STRONG to face the world. The world is never fair but God is always fair and He knows what we know not. Trust me, He will never test His servant with things that we cannot endure.
Most of the time we just never know the strength within ourselves.
God is the most Merciful and Most Loving. When things happen to us not the way we wanted, we always ask "Why is God punishing us?". Actually God is not punishing us but there are reasons why things happen to us. He misses our voices, our prayers and etc. We always forget to ask ourselves "What have we done for Allah?
Life will not be beautiful and interesting if things are always smooth sailing right?
So be happy as life is too short to be weary.

Signs of someone falling in love

Falling in love is one of the most mysterious and amazing things in the world, and it can be hard to know whether or not someone is falling or not. There’s a huge difference between liking and loving or even lusting and loving someone. If you’re careful and watch for the signs, you’ll be able to identify someone falling in love.

Watch to see how many times a person brings up a friend or loved one.(IM GUILTY AS CHARGED...HEHEHEHEHEHEH) If they’re constantly talking about how great their friend is, then it could be a sign that the friendship is more than that. When someone is in love, the object of their affection is constantly on their mind, and they’ll want to talk about them as much as possible.

Think about how this person makes plans: Do they always ask the same person to come along to every event? How often do they spend communicating with their friend or loved one? If they talk every single day – on the phone, through letters or email and in other forms – it could be a sign that they’re truly smitten.(HEHEHEHEH AGAIN I'M GUILTY AS CHARGED...DAMNED)

How does the person look when they talk about their loved one or when they are with them? Are they constantly smiling?(OK THIS ONE..IM REALLY REALLY REALLY AS CHARGED) Do they lean into their partner and hold their gaze? When a person is in love, they’ll seem to light up around them or when talking about them.

If someone has introduced their friend or loved one to their family, it’s a sign that this person is a major part of their life and someone special. Additionally, if this friend or loved one is invited to major family functions, this could mean love is in the air.

If two people can talk for hours without getting bored, this is another sign that the friendship or relationship is something more than casual. Think about what is talked about: If the subjects range from casual to intimate, it could be a sign that two people are in love, as they trust one another with personal details and thoughts.

don't let anybody hold you back and remember - God don't make no junk.

This is a tough self-actualization step for many people: STOP WORRYING ABOUT TOMORROW. Instead, live in today. Live in right now. Live as if tomorrow will worry about itself. After all, what can we do tomorrow until tomorrow gets here? All we can do is whatever is before us today.Doctor told me I only have 2 years to live as I refused to go with the recommended treatment. Why do I need to go thru pain and needles poking me here and there when I can actually be happy and enjoy the 2 years I have.

Sure, you love your spouse, you love your kids. But what about the people you work with? What about your neighbors? If you love deeply I will guarantee you a couple things: You will be disappointed and hurt, but you will ALSO find happiness from some people who will deeply love you back. Trust me, it's worth it.Someday I hope that you and I get to meet and know one another. I have a feeling that I might be telling you, "I like me best when I'm with you."

Let's face it, nobody else can make you happy. That's just a fantasy. Happiness is something you have to create for yourself. But it sure does help to have support. Imagine the energy you get when you open your e-mail in the morning and read a short, inspiring message. It doesn't take much. Just a few powerful words can send you on your way pumped up for the day (and ready to face down those joy-busters"). JUst like last week, I received an email from my No 1 boss. Its really a short and simple one but seriously, it gives me a dose of joy through out the day. This is what he wrote to me: "Dear Elina, best wishes for you speaking engagement at UCSI today, I'm sure you are going to do a great job. Go girl!".
Before entering a room today, think about how you want others to treat you. With respect? With warmth? With sympathy? Close your eyes. Visualize them treating you that way. Now visualize how you need to act to elicit that response. For instance, the best way to be treated warmly is to walk in with a smile. Even if everybody else is grumpy keep smiling. They will catch on, because smiling is contagious.

PLEASE WATCH SILENT MY MIXPOD AND WATCH THE VIDEO SLIDES BELOW;

Dont Have to Be Rich To enjoy Life

When you "make someone's day"(or moment) through a small kindness or unforgettable engagement, you can turn even routine encounters into special memories. The glue in our humanity is being fully present for one another.







Being there also is a great way to practice wholeheartedness and fight burnout, for it is those halfhearted task you perform while juggling other things that wear you out.







When you look for the worst, you will find it everywhere. When you learn you have the power to choose your response to what life brings, you can look for the best and find yourself with an attitude that is not what you want to be, you can choose a new want.

I am Actually blessed

Yesterday I spent most of my time with my best friend "My BABY". We chatted for hours and I mean hours that is almost whole day. LOL. Miss him alot. Even though we are no longer a couple but I still and always love him. He is such a baby in my heart. We spoke about those old times we were together as a couple. The songs he dedicated to me and about stuffs that we used to talk about.
I told him about people who keep hurting me again and again so much that at times i just shut myself in my so called "Comfortable Numb World".
I asked him what is it about me that people just love to find issues? He said the same thing what my best friend Zue told me once..THEY ARE JUST JEALOUS WITH MY PERSONALITY..."My BABY" told me even his girlfriend is so jealous with my personality. I don't see why.
Heheheeh some people call me a lil brown angel but I call myself the lil brown devil. One of our client, En Fauzi said "Ellie, you are like wali" and that made me laugh. Me? Wali? Oh dear. I mean which wali has black nails(gothic) and with 7 studs on her ears and belly button pierced?
Seriously, despite all the horrible issues i have to go thru in my everyday life, I realised now how much I am blessed by Allah's blessing.
Well I am happy with my life...really I do..

Tuan Alwee & GPEC! My Salutation!

Friday was last day of GPEC (General Police Exhibition & Conference) 2009. What is GPEC?

GPEC (General Police Equipment Exhibition & Conference) Asia 2009 is an exclusive event for police and security community as well as for the authorised business members of police equipments, security technology and service providers. GPEC Asia 2009 is a unique exhibition and conference in Asia that was visited by approximately 5,971 security experts from 62 countries and 524 exhibitors from 28 countries.

The General Police Equipment Exhibition & Conference Asia 2009 has the following features:

• It is an international platform with delegations and visitors from Europe and other selected countries
• The focal point with satellite fringe events including an international congress, conferences and special meetings on internal and external security
• A unique meeting place for all aspects of the Police and Security community, manufacturers, agents, executives, procurement officers and end users
• The event provides access to new markets, new contacts and the cultivation of existing connections
• Separate product presentations and training classes will be given by exhibiting companies and authorities

During this event, I must salute Tuan Alwee Ab Ghanee from Bukit Aman. Despite his busy schedule, he and the team have done PDRM proud. I was on duty through out the whole 3 days, I must say I am proud to be in team. Not only I am proud to be in the team but I really enjoyed everyone's company and i mean every single member of the team(which consist of Commintel, P & O, Ah Boy the cool contractor guy and the whole PDRM team).Tuan Alwee has chosen the right set of people in the team. Can't wait to be in LIMA 2009 PDRM team.

Tuan Alwee explaining to Datuk Seri Hishamuddin on Rakan Cop System
Our booth was the best booth at the exhibition. During the meeting before the D-Day, I was thinking it was just an ordinary booth just like other PDRM event. The first day i came for duty at the booth, I was super dooper impress. Its really futuristic as how Tuan Alwee( D Man of the event) had planned earlier. I'm glad to be there and its really a memorable moment during that 3 days. To Ah Boy, Rafek n Pian...heheheehheh kain tingkap merah..kain tingkap merah...lol lol lol. U guys Rock

Getting Over You

5 MONTHS AGO:

I woke up one morning with the realization that he had left me. In a mental sense, having nothing to do with the reality of the situation. He had been the object to which my thoughts inevitably turn...in class, at work, in bed before I manage to fall asleep and as soon as I wake up in the morning. I would think of his kiss, his touch, the things he said that brought me happiness, the things he said that tore me apart. He was a space, an entity, a force like gravity in my mind and heart, and he never even knew he was there to begin with.
But I woke up one morning, and he had left. Not gradually, the way that he took up residence within me, but all of a sudden. I went to reach for him, and instead of the memory of soft lips, I feel only a dull ache, like that of an old injury on a damp day.
Part of me wants to rebel, fight against this...anything is better than this strange emptiness, even recalling careless words and actions that hurt me more than anything, ever. The memories are still there, if I concentrate I can pull them out, but it's not the same. He is an empty space in a broken heart.
And yet this is a good thing. This is what they mean when they say "This too shall pass." This is getting over you.
5 MONTHS LATER
After almost 5 months since you went back to your country, just when I am about to be healed, you just had to call me from Acheh and told me how much you miss me, and still loving me. Since I got to know that you are actually married, I decided to close my heart not just to you but to anyone. This isn't easy for me but I managed being on my own. I have always been. I came to this world alone, and when the time i go back to my Creator I am still gonna be alone, I guess I will manage being alone on my own.

HAve You Ever Hate SOmeone That You Cant Forgive Them?

Have you ever hated someone that you’ve not spoken to that person for a long long time?
Well, during my school days in primary school, I almost hatred someone just like that, but fortunately I was saved from such a disease. Yes, hating someone is a disease, an emotional disease that can cripple us for life.
While love is easier to manage, hatred is harder to bear as its like a heavy sack one carries on one’s back. The disease if not cured will eat that someone bit by bit until without realising it, it will make the person someone who is bitter and unhappy with the world in general.
Hatred is one of the diseases that our ummah today suffers. Almost every Muslim knows another Muslim whom he hates.
The Ummah is like a building with the Muslims as it’s bricks, brotherhood is the cement. Without forgiveness you cannot have brotherhood.
In life, there will always be people who at times might have wronged you. Deceived or backbited or lied to you. But even in these extreme situations the Qur’an and the Hadith teach us that we have to forgive others (especially those who hurt us the most) if we wish to earn the forgiveness of Allah on the day of judgement.
We have all committed many sins, made many mistakes and no doubt we might also have wronged others, deceived, backbited or lied to others too. No human being is perfect. So what makes us focus onto brothers’ and sisters’ errors while we remain unconscious of our own? Not to forgive is like living in arrogance & ignorance of our own shortcomings.
Forgiveness is linked with piety and God-consciousness, is there anybody who is not without sin? Is there anybody who can be arrogant enough to say that he does not need to forgive? Do we not know that Allah forgives those who forgive others?
Therefore, we should realise the difficulties of others and forgive them.
Allah says in the Qur’an: “Be quick in the forgiveness from your Lord, and pardon (all) men - for Allah loves those who do good.” [Surah ali Imran; 3:133-134]
And we know that Allah Himself is Ar-Rahman (the Most Compassionate) and Ar-Rahim (the Most Merciful) and that His Mercy is infinite, and that no matter the sin (except shirik) Allah is always willing to answer the person’s call for forgiveness.
In fact Allah loves the tear drop that falls from the eye of one who sincerely seeks the forgiveness of his Lord. And Allah loves us to have hearts that are ready to forgive.
The Prophet s.a.w. once asked his companions; “Do you know what will cause you to have high walled palaces in Paradise (as a symbol of great reward) and will cause you to be raised by God?” When they replied in the negative, he said, “To be forgiving and to control yourself in the face of provocation, to give justice to the person who was unfair and unjust to you, to give to someone even though he did not give to you when you were in need and to keep connection with someone who may not have reciprocated your concern.”
Similarly the Prophet s.a.w. said that the best of people are those who are slow to get angry and quick to forgive. On the other hand the worst of people are those, he said who get angry quickly but are slow to forgive. The characteristic that makes a person most likely to forgive is the purity of his or her heart. Apologies must be accepted, the Prophet s.a.w. said that: “Whoever apologises to his brother and that apology is not accepted, then the person who refuses to accept the apology bears the sin of one who takes the property of another unjustly. If we look at the example and the character of the Prophet s.a.w. we can see that he was always forgiving and never showed enmity to anyone except those who waged war against him.
We should similarly be merciful with each other. First of all, we ourselves should not do anything to upset our brothers and sisters (because this is in itself a part of mercy) and then we should forgive those who have upset us or made us angry.
We will never be a strong ummah if we are not able to forgive. Some might say that to forgive is a sign of weakness and humiliation, and for them it is better to be strong and preserve their honor. But honor in the eyes of Allah lies in forgiveness.

When Allah talks to me

Everyone born to this world, shall be tested in many many forms. Some, from the day they were born, they are being tested with wealth and smooth sailing life and some are being tested with, fear,sorrows, losses and sadness through out their life. Testing is necessary and beneficial for the one being tested. He may think he is ready to graduate -- that he knows it all. Testing allows him to see what the real situation is. It confronts him with reality.

155. "And We will surely test you (all) with something of fear and hunger and loss of property, lives and fruits; but give glad tidings to the (steadfast) patient."

156. "Who, when a calamity befalls them, (by showing perseverance), say: 'Verily we belong to Allah, and certainly unto Him shall we return'."

157. "Those are they on whom are blessings and Mercy from their Lord, and they are the ones that are guided (aright)."

(Surah Al-Baqarah 155-157)

Above is my favourite verse that I carry all the time in my heart. There was this one time, my close friends made remarks that made me question God. What they said made me wonder why Allah only tested me with fear,sorrow and losses. Why hasn't He tested me with joy and happiness. Then right after I question Allah "Why", the very next day out of the blues, I read one article as if Allah was talking to me. Then I realised how much He loves me and that He doesn't want me to forget him not a single second. These were few questions i asked Him a day before:

1. WHY AM I BEING TESTED?

The Quran Answered: (Surah Al Ankabut 2-3)

2. Do men think that on their mere saying: We have attained to faith, they will be left to themselve and will not be put to a test?

3. Yeay indeed,We did test those who live before them and so [too, shall be tested those people now living,and] most certainly will God mark out those who prove themselves true, and most certainly will He mark out those who are lying.

Allah (s.w.t.) tests all human beings, but with varieties. All the different sites of the world are the testing-places, and all the members of humanity, even the prophets, are under trial, and all the pleasant and unpleasant things are the means of trial. We ought to know that the Divine examinations are not done in order to clear out the ambiguity, but they are to evoke and train the capacities and abilities of humankind.The means of this trial are all bitter and sweet happenings of Man, including: fear, hunger, loss of property, lives, agricultural products, fear from enemies, economic siege, and taking part in Holy War himself, or by sending children and dear ones to the battle of war. These trials were experienced in the first war of Islam (battle of Badr), and will also come forth at the time of the reappearance of the Expected Mahdi, the twelfth Imam (May Allah hasten his glad advent), for which Muslims should be prepared.

The inflictions, which human beings encounter with, are usually concerned with wealth, life, children, or the fear of the loss of either of them.The secret of mentioning 'fear', among the means of trials, first, may be that the purpose is the fear for the lack of either of those three things. It is always before the loss of the very things that one fears of losing them.

Then, next to fear, hunger is pointed out, which comes into being as a result of poverty. Yet, in this respect, fasting is counted one of the examples of hunger.Loss of property has been situated in the third degree. The loss of wealth, of course, is very bitter, especially for a rich person when he becomes poor. Then there comes the loss of life, which often occurs because of different ailments or after being wounded: in a battle-field and Holy War in the way of Allah, and so on.

Some have rendered this loss into the death of one's child, which is the heaviest calamity.

"...but give glad tidings to the (steadfast) patient

Those when they entangle with a calamity, are patiently steadfast, since they have known that they themselves and what they have are all Allah's and in His possession. They also know that their return is unto Him, and they express this fact, too, by their tongue and with uttering the above holy phrase. Such people have attained the rank and position of nearness to Allah. Their march is gain after gain, i.e. an ever progressive gain. They are, in fact, guided aright.

Putting On Weight...sob sob sob

Its been 4 months I quit smoking due to my bone cancer. Not only I quit smoking but I change my diet to be a vegetarian. Everytime after my meal, i crave for sweet dessert. I would drive to Sunway Pyramid just to get myself a huge tub of popcorn.
I don't know if its because of my quit smoking that makes me crave for the sweet dessert or is it because of the injection I just had for my bone cancer. Even if Im dying, I do not wish to put on weight.
Heheheeh don't want the extra weight when they carry my dead body when I'm dead. Speaking of which, last night sitting alone at my window, the thought of death just came to mind. I mean everyone will die but when I got to know about my cancer, I tried not to think about it most of the time but once in a while the thought just came.
Last night while sitting at the window doing my normal routine, talking to my creator, telling Him how sad I am because i have not been able to perform complete 5 times prayer. I tried so much to do all 5 times but still fail despite putting reminder in my phone.Then I asked Him about the time, when He will pluck the leave with my name written on it and drop it to the Angel of Death to collect my soul, how will the angel come to me. Will he come in a good form or will he come in a horrible form. That particular time i felt a chill running thru my body.
From the dim light, i look at my hand and look up at the sky and told God, this will soon be the food of the creepy crawler and that time, I just had to enlighten my mood by smiling to God and said " I better not feed my body with too much pain killers and the drugs from the hospital as the creepy crawler might not enjoy their feast. That put a smile on my face and at that time I knew Allah must be smiling at me and the crazy story I was telling Him.
Oh dear God, please make my life on earth and hereafter an easy journey...I know I might not always be able to move the mountains but I am strong and I am gonna held my head high..

A Princess?

Last Friday I was at the office when my phone rang. Saw on the screen "POP" and with my dad's picture appeared. Had a quick look at my watch and it was only 7.45pm. My heart was saying "Ah must be my son Ridhwan". As I picked up the call, it was my dad on the other end. He said "Girl are u about to leave the office already?" and I said to him not really. Then he said "Wait there, I am coming o pick u up and have dinner at Kak Noni's house." (Kak Noni is my cousin- the first Malaysian Lady pilot for a fighter jet, oh her real name is Leftenant Colonel Emilia Kamaruddin, NONI is the family name..wooops!)
Around 8.15pm, my dad called again and said that he was at the front gate. The journey to my cousin's place at TUDM base, seriously I had 5 near death encountered. My dad's driving is like "Hey everyone make way..this is my road.." LOL! Now I know what my niece Tiara meant when she said "Antie everytime Tok came to pick me up, I always thought Im never gonna reached Subang."
Finally we reached Kak Noni's house safely. The last time I met my cousin was like what, emmm 7-8 years ago?Can't remember. SHe just got back from a year trip to Washington DC for some training. My uncle Pak Wan was there with his wife to be. (He is my dad's eldest brother and he is 75 and yes he is gonna get married soon, thank God my dad has this thing "HE WILL ONLY REMARRY IF THERE IS 32DAYS IN A MONTH kinda principle...pheewww!).
We had dinner and then I told my auntie(Kak Noni's mom-Mak Ngah) that i want to go to Padang and meet all my relative there and then this story came out about my great grandmom.
According to my uncle Pak Wan n my Auntie Mak Ngah, my great grandmother who is my dad's grandmother was the youngest princess of Sultan Suku Chiniago. When i heard that, I asked my uncle " WOw! does that mean I'm a princess too?"..and he laughed.He continued the story saying that my great grandmother ran to Malaya and thats when this family began their life at Sungai Choh, Rawang.
And I continued asking my dad, since my late mom was a scottish, could she too be related to a Viking..LOL! A princess from Padang and a mix of Viking, soooo thats why my temper at times beyond control just like my late mom and at times Im a soft spot probaly comes from the Padang Princess's nature. Hmmm! A princess huh? Wow that makes me a royal blood too..hahaahah.
This coming October, I will be going to Bandung for my cancer treatment, and I am thinking of going to to Padang too to meet my family members there.
Maybe that explain why I was born with something extra. I was born to see the UNSEEN creature all the time, I have my 3rd eye and anyone hurt me or my feelings, something bad will happen to them. And of those people who can read others will say that I was born with "A FRIEND". One of the reason that caused my divorce.
But whatever it is, I always pray to Allah to protect my heart from being arrogant, inconsiderate and bad. Anyway, got this picture of the Rumah Gadang(Big House) that belongs to my ancestor before it burned down by a lightning strike.

Wish I can have my bed rite now..

Its past midnite and I am all alone at the office trying to finish my work with my IPOD keeping me company. Wish I can be like the rest of my colleagues resting at home with their family. Its time i leave this job. I have an offer from one of our client. He offered me to work with AXN and there will be lots of travelling to London and Singapore.
Here, Im invisible but to the eyes of my clients, I am being appreciated by all of them. I am thinking of taking the offer with AXN. Its an International company, I get to travel without having to justified why I have to travel when I need to for the company. How cool can that be.
I love to indulge myself with work. It gives me pleasure and its like drug running thru my vain. But when too many heads, too many opinions. And its driving me nuts. This is the last week of school holiday and this 2 weeks i dont get to take my leave to be with my kids. Every morning Sarah would asked me, can you be with us today and not go to work. Only God knows, how much it hurts but i have to be strong. Life is too short to be misery.LOL!
Today i got a new friend. She is from NEGERIFM. The whole team came for training today. I conducted the training from 10am - 5pm. One of them somehow..i kinda felt connected to her. Dunno why but i just do....i mean all of them were very friendly and jovial but this one particular girl in the group by the name of Rosemarie Khoo...i just felt connected. NOOOOO!!!! Im no lesbo..lol.
Connected as..arrgghhh..hard to explain but just want to say im happy that i know her. Anyway, i need to finish my work and go home. Miss my 2 kids...miss their smell...emmmm..i can just close my eyes and smell them.

Finally I got my total freedom after 10 years.

On the 8th June 2009, at exactly 3.06pm, my ex hubby Re-lafaz the "talaq" after 4 years of me fighting for my freedom and 10 years of living hell. Syukur Alhamdulillah I finally got the paper though I had to sign an agreement made by him which is one sided. But one thing I believe, why worry the days which are not here.
I walked out of the court house, breath deeply and looking up at the sky, I felt so blessed by Allah. My 4 years having to go up and down the court all alone, finally its over. I can start a new life just me, my kids and my dad.
Second best thing that happen to me in my life today, 9th June 2009 after 10 months my best friend Mike deleted me from his life upon the request of his girlfriend the insecured indonesian lady named EV, I suddenly got a ping from an ID which is not on my YM list. I kept asking him if i may know who was i talking to..but he said, USE YOUR 3rd EYE, WHICH I KNOW YOU STILL HAVE THAT POWER...
So i close my eyes and focus...and i suddenly knw who that was. It was my best friend whom i miss sooooo dearly, whom i've been asking God if i could one day just talk to him again. And today when he buzzed me on my YM, only God knows how happy it made me. The whole day to Bukit Aman, I was smiling..heheheeh even during the meeting while sitting next to tuan Alwee, i was smiling to myself.
Thank you God. Oh by the way, that shorty bitch is still going around carry tales here and there. Gosh! If only the bosses know what she has been doing all this while...lol. She gets paid for doing nothing but to create wars between staff, gossiping on the phone and going around seeking sympathy. Lol...
Guess I have no time to entertain such attitude. Even if she gets knock by a lorry in front of the office, I couldnt care less. I am so into my work and i have so much on my hand to even care about her tales...As far as im concerned she doesnt exist....

Just taking my 5 minutes break from my work

The past weeks, I've been putting on my IPOD to almost maximum volume while doing my work. Just don't feel like knowing whats going on with the marketing Department. I'm just too tired of hearing people complaining about their work. If only they know whats like to be those people out there who are jobless.
If only the bosses know how all these people at the marketing work, I think then only they know why the latest project under the company is moving like a slow coach( and seriously I can bet it's gonna be the company FAILED PROJECT). I tried to help but since Im not in the team, none of them wants to hear me out.LOL! LOL!
There's this new staff who has been with us for 3 months. Frankly speaking, she is having an attitude problem. Currently on 2 weeks medical leave. LOL! 2 weeks, don't know how a months old staff can get a 2 weeks medical leave when its not like she is dying or anything but so call ...someone cast a voodoo spell on her(according to her la!). Dont know why the malays..have this thing when they have fever of cough and cold tht prolong for a weeks or more than a month, their mind will say " Oh someone cast a voodoo spell". kekekekekkeke.
And before she went on her 2 weeks medical leave, all she ever did was going around telling people"Oh the manager gave me too much work, oh im doing all her work, oh Im not well, Oh im that and this". And keep saying oh Im related to the big boss..(like i care or even scare).
Why can't they just focus on how to better themselves. Yes if u work hard ur not gonna get a pay raise or bonus but you learn as everyday is a learning process for all of us. You can see things just like half cup of water..either half full or half empty. These people only see that too much work..kekekek be in my place then i would like to know if they feel the same way about their job.
Woooppsss! my 5 minutes is up..back to work...!

Myself

Thank you Allah for the dignity and beauty of self. The precious innate self. The only thing we must never allow is anyone to take is from us. The only thing we really own. Not selfishness, self will or self gain. But the wonder of simply being MYSELF. I am God created, God watched, and God known. Accountable to God who made me. Thank you Allah because You shaped each of us outwardly so much alike and yet made each of us so different in the vital, self secret. You expect the best of us in different things and in different ways. You alone can take us all the way. It is You who will ask the final accounting of this self and it's mission upon the earth on the Judgment Day. In knowing You, I need no longer question "Who am I?". Only through You, can I know the true dignity, worth and beauty of my own being. For whatever my failings, I am a part of You who created me in Your onw likeness. In knowing You, I know MYSELF.

Im Sorry I DONT LOVE U AT ALL

I don't know why and i really wish i know why, people just love to have issues with me. Even those I'm not close with. The latest one is with someone who I treated him like my very own brother. The love I have is merely a love of a sister to a brother. Last Thursday, I had to send a sponsored prize to RTM. My leg wasn't feeling ok for me to drive that day, so that morning when I reached the office, I asked PD if he is going to RTM and if I could come along.
Fortunately PD said yes he is going around 10am. I was happy that I don't have to drive. At 10am, PD asked me to hang on as he had to finish some work. I was ok about it as long as I don't have to drive myself to RTM,but then Kak Nraini from RTM called and requested that the prize to be sent before 12pm. So I went downstairs to look for PD and asked him if we could go early. He told me that we would go at 11am.
At 10.55 off we went to RTM, delivered the prize and from RTM PD had to send some document at PKNS PJ. I waited in the car while he sent the document. 5 minutes later, he came back, got into the car. The moment he closed the car,he said "Ellie, i have to tell you something but please do not get angry with me". I was like.."emmm..ok! What is the breaknews that could upset me?". Then he started his confession while driving back to the office. The confession that made me dropped my jaw to the ground all the way back to the office. He started telling me about his conversation with my best friend Syerry a day before. He told me they were talking about marriage when sherry asked him what is his feelings towards me.
Seriously at that time, the things that were running in my brain was "Im gonna skin syerry alive" and suddenly my mind went blank. U know the type where u just in your own world and i could see PD's mouth moving still expressing his feelings and at that time, I just went into my NUMB WORLD..a world where i normally hide when unwanted situation came up.
Reached the office just in time for lunch. Both of us stepped out of the car silent. He open the door and bumped into zue and azlan. I was still in my NUMB WORLD when i bumped into zue and the question came out from my mouth was a stupid one. Knowing it was already 1pm, i asked zue and azlan where were they going and zue snapped me from my comfortably NUMB WORLD.
The next thing I asked her was.."Where is sherry..i wanna skin her alive" and zue said she is not coming for lunch and told sherry was also in a bad mood at that moment so they dragged me into the car and we went for lunch. In the car I told azlan and zue what had happened. The remark that PD made that really upset me was " I have feelings for you..the feeling of love but at the moment I am sorry i can't accept you yet as our thinking are ddifferent". WTF????.....
I am so glad that he couldnt accept me because I DO NOT HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM..for God sake. But through out the journey he kept apologizing because he couldn't accept me..I was like EXCUSE ME...u made it sound as if i was crazy head over heels over u..For the sake of God, goodness me.
LAter after lunch I told Sherry about it. She bllew up too..Oh dear, everything blew up.LOL!And now the relationship between me and PD has ruined. I will still accept him as my friend but it can never be like before.
Life might be lonely for me at times, but I rather be on my own than having a man in my life. Don't need additional problems in life. I'm happy the way I am right now. I don't have to answer anything to a man call "Boyfriend", "husband", "lover"etc....And Im lovind the life i am having now

WHY IS THE MOON SO LONELY

Why is the moon so lonely?
Because She had a lover.
His name was Quae Carcajou and they lived in a spirit world together.
And every night they would wander the skies together.
But one of the Spirits was jealous. Trickster wanted the Moon for himself.
So he told Quae Carcajou that the Moon had asked for flowers. He told him to come to our world and pick her some wild roses.
But Quae Carcajou didn’t know that once you leave the spirit world, you can never come back.
And every night, He looks up in the sky and sees the Moon and howls Her name.
But, He can never touch Her again.
There are times i feel like love is never coming again into my life. Though I never said it, yes its kinda lonely once my kids are asleep. No one to talk to and no one to sit in front of me and listen to my problems at work, my joy at work, my achievement.
Im just like the lonely moon. :(

Its kinda late but here is the story of my Bandung trip

Before I start telling all about my Bandung trip,let say it was my first break in my life. For the first time in my 40 years of my life I did something for me, Elina Ariffin. Yes you heard me right, first time in my 40 years. All these while, i had dream of doing something special for this girl name Elina Ariffin but each time I tried, there were always something that stop me from doing so. Its always someone else come first. And seriously this is my first time taking a break from work. 4 years working where I currently work, I've never taken MC or even my 4 years leave untouched. On top of that the weekends i worked, it hasn't been replaced. So this trip that I decided to go is the first time of everything. A day before that, I was still unsure if I should go.I had this phobia leaving my work behind.This trip to Bandung, I was accompanied by my colleague Kak Neng aka Mummy. she told me a day before the trip:
Mummy : Ellie if I don't see u at the airport tomorrow, I will be very upset. Promise me u do not change your mind?
Me : InsyaAllah(God willing) mummy, u will see me at the airport tomorrow at 7am.

05.30am : woke up with my heart beating so fast, nervous plus excitement. Took my shower and got myself ready. Before my subuh prayer, i woke the kids up. I was feeling sad deep inside my heart having to leave the kids behind but I don't have their passport as all document are with my ex husband.

06.45am : Kids left for school, went up to my dad's room to kiss him goodbye.He said goodbye but he refuse to look at me straight in the eyes. Put all my bags in my car and drove off to my office to pick up my colleague Pak Teh. He was the one who sent me to the airport.

07.50am : Reached LCCT. Mummy still haven't arrived. Our flight departure was at 10.25am. Mummy arrived at 08.30am with Abg Rashid aka Abg Frankie.Checked in our bags and we had breakfast at the terminal. Went to chocolate shop to get some chocolates for mummy's family at Bandung. As I was about to pay for the chocolate, saw this book at the book counter. "Stop worrying and start Living".I grabbed the book and paid together with the book.

09.30am : Mummy and I decided to wait at the departure hall. Called my dad to tell him to take care and that i was gonna miss him. Suddenly my tears rolled down my cheeks. Just after I put down the phone, just before the announcement to board the aircraft, I decided to send one final SMS to my dad. The SMS said : Dearest papa, I know you have given me the green lite to go for my trip, i just need to have yr sincere permission to let me go on this trip. I really need a break. But i want papa to know that i love u so much and i will miss soooo much.

10.35am : The aircraft door closed and that particular moment i felt like running to the cockpit and ask the captain to stop the aircraft and kick me out of the aircraft..lol.Almost got a nervous breakdown thinking OH NO..my work at the office...but decided to just fasten my seat belt and just sit tight,relax and enjoy the flight. Damn! the flight took off and Im off the KLIA runway. Took a deep breath and close my eyes..I said to Allah..Im in Your Hand. If this is meant to be then be it.

1.00pm : Touched down at Bandung..the airport was kinda old. I was all excited not because of anything but finally I was UNCONTACTABLE and it was gonna be for the next 9 days...yooohoooooo!!(was imagining me doing somersault on the airport runaway. Crazy girl.After the immigration, we were welcomed by Adeq (Kak Neng's sister) and Teteh Metty(Kak Neng's cousin)

Teteh Metty( miss this lady so much who always have ciggi between her fingers and always singing and dancing with full of joy

Adeq( also miss her so much..always calling her pet dog BOLUUUUUU)

14.00pm : Adeq, teteh metty and adeq's husband took us from the airport to this place called Ampera to have lunch. Before that called my dearest friend Rudy and told him not to wait for me at the airport since first day I decided to spend time getting to know Kak Neng's family. Reached Ampera...oh oh before that, Kak neng didnt tell her mom that we were arriving on wednesday 29th april. Her mom thought we were arriving on Friday 1st May. So we were meeting her parents to surprise her mom(what we called shocking therapy). She was about to get the biggest surprise of her life. We prayed that she wont passed out during the shocking therapy..lol. Finally the moment arrived and trust me, thats most touchy moment ive ever seen. Kak Neng who have not met her mom over the last 10 years finally met her. The embracement between the 2 lasted 5 minutes with tears... the rest of the story about this wonderful family will be told in my next and next journal...

MUMMY ZUBAIDAH....love u always

My Solemn Oath

I took an oath so solemn that the nails sank deep into my flesh and cold chills ran down my spine: I AM NOT GOING TO WORRY! I AM NOT GOING TO CRY! AND IF THERE IS ANYTHING TO MIND OVER MATTER, I AM GOING TO WIN! I AM GOING TO LIVE!

slalu kusakiti Engkau dengan dosaku
ku balas semua kebaikan-Mu dengan kecurangan
tiada pernah ku menyadari semuanya
bahwa nafas yang ku hirup adalah kuasa-Mu
Alhamdulillah ku syukuri semua
terimakasih ku Ya Allah
atas indahnya hidup
Alhamdulillah ku syukuri semua
terimakasih ku Ya Robbi
atas rahmat dalam hidupku
slalu ku tinggalkan Engkau dengan khilafku
kubalas semua kemurahan-Mu dengan keburukan
tiada pernah ku menyadari semuanya
bahwa nafas yang ku hirup adalah kuasa-Mu