My Imaginary boyfriend

Have you ever had a crush on someone you know you could never be with? Someone with a girlfriend or boyfriend? Someone who is moving a thousand miles away? Someone who lives a thousand miles away? Someone who is straight? This is the story of my life, I always fall for the wrong person, someone I could never be with. And I hated it. It has lead me into my sad and pathetic life of only having one boyfriend, at the age of 12, which doesn’t count for much. I don’t know what this all means, am I repulsive? Do I have a funny smell? Or am I always just at the wrong place at the wrong time? I’m not too sure. Maybe one day I will figure this, and other things out.
Having him as a crush is super amazing. It’s turned me into a happier person, and yet a sad person, knowing that I could never have him, and the fact that he doesn’t even know I like him. Maybe one day I will tell him, but it won’t matter anyways, there’s nothing to be done. For now, all I can do is welcome these feelings for him, until eventually they pass. For now, he is my imaginary lover.He always makes me feel better, whenever I talk to him, I feel happy, my heart pounds faster, and I smile sillily to myself.
i wish, that it would be possible that he could like me too, but i don't ever see it happening,i wish life had a fairytale ending hahaha... but it never works out that way for me, believe me, it hasn't yet, and for some time i don't think it will lol...but I'm still going to tell him one day hahaha... just because i want him to know... i dunno why, but i do.
I created a fantasy guy/boyfriend for myself but it went way beyond just using him as a filler for when my heart was broken. After a while I really started to think that I loved this person and that he might actually exist somewhere in the world and that we were communicating through telekinesis or something (hahaha, it is really stupid that I think on it)I actually think about him though, on a daily basis actually. It's as if he's become a permanent part of my conscious`. But the point is, I got over my obsession, believing he was out there somewhere, and fantasizing about this character did not affect me in an unhealthy way. In fact, he helped me relieve a bunch of stress.

Hmmm...whats' my imaginary boyfriend's name? I dunno cause I simply call him "baby" or "sweetheart". Ahaks ahaks ahaks. Here is the picture of my imaginary boyfriend


Imaginary lovers
Never turn you down
When all the others turn you away
They're around
It's my private pleasure
Midnight fantasy
Someone to share my
Wildest dreams with me
Imaginary lover you're mine anytime
Imaginary lovers, oh yeah

When ordinary lovers
Don't feel what you feel
And real-life situations lose their thrill
Imagination's unreal
Imaginary lover, imaginary lover
You're mine anytime

Imaginary lovers never disagree
They always care
They're always there when
You need satisfaction guaranteed
Imaginary lover, imaginary lover
You're mine all the time
My imaginary lover
You're mine anytime

Love And Cruelty On Our Lives

Sharing life activities and personal information creates intimacy and emotional connection. Over time, caring grows and your emotional investment in the other deepens, even when all is not "rosy" and pleasurable. We love because we find our emotional match in the other person, that which makes us feel more whole. We have found a "soul mate" and gradually become more and more emotionally and spiritually connected to the other person.
Mary and John's story is familiar.

"I hate you -- get out of my life!" she said when he finally arrived. She was furious about his coming home two hours late to a cold dinner on the table. The candles had burned out, and she ate alone. This was not the first time he stood her up. You'd think she would learn! (You'd think he would learn!)
She loved him so much she was enraged, and told him she wanted a divorce and for him to leave and never come back! Obviously to John, Mary no longer loved him, so he left, hurt and upset, and spent the night elsewhere. Mary was even more hurt from his staying away all night.
Of course, she loved him very much. She understood that. But how could she love him and hate him at the same time? She wondered, and he wondered, and with no clear answer they drifted apart.
She didn't understand that love is more than a feeling of pleasure. Love is also an emotional investment. Mary's anger meant that John was very important to her. Otherwise she wouldn't care at all. Anger is an inevitable feeling in any relationship . . . but you have to know how to use the energy to turn upsets into opportunities.
The truth is, many people are confused about how to have a close relationship that works. . . .
. . .and no wonder. . .
There are thousands of families out there that model for their kids how not to be loving with their husband or wife. They may want to know the "Secret of loving relationships ". . . but all they can do is the best they learned from their own parents about how to get along with others. . . .
Love gives meaning to our lives – as do friendship, or art or faith in God. These are factors of true happiness, of inner peace, of feelings of harmony, allowing meaning to our existence.
But there is the other side. There is the cruelty of life, the pain, the evil, not to talk of death. They are the hidden tigers, ambushed and ready to attack the imprudent, to use an image present in the Buddhist Scriptures.
Is between these pendulums - the positive, the one that gives happiness and meaning, and the negative - that our lives are lived. And when we meditate about all that, we arrive at a diverse and disagreeing set of thoughts about the meaning and purpose of life.
At our mother breast, we tasted not only milk but also love – just enough love to know that it was the only thing that could ever satisfy us and that we will miss it forever.
What is the purpose of life? I believe that the purpose of life is to be happy. From the moment of birth, every human being wants happiness and does not want to suffer. From the very core of our being we simply desire contentment.

Getting Over you

End of March will my birthday but that is also the day I am gonna lose the guy that for the first time in my life I know the meaning of FALLING IN LOVE.I have never fall in love before until I met him but unfortunately he too will be leaving me soon. Never thought this day will come.At times i feel like relationship is never meant for me. He is leaving for his country soon and this time will be for good.I am trying my best not to feel sad whenever I think about it. But only Allah knows. They said it will take you 10 days for a person to be sad after a relationship ends.
I woke up one morning with the realization that he had left me. In a mental sense, having nothing to do with the reality of the situation. He had been the object to which my thoughts inevitably turn...in class, at work, in bed before I manage to fall asleep and as soon as I wake up in the morning. I would think of his kiss, his touch, the things he said that brought me happiness, the things he said that tore me apart. He was a space, an entity, a force like gravity in my mind and heart, and he never even knew he was there to begin with.
But I woke up one morning, and he had left. Not gradually, the way that he took up residence within me, but all of a sudden. I went to reach for him, and instead of the memory of soft lips, I feel only a dull ache, like that of an old injury on a damp day.
Part of me wants to rebel, fight against this...anything is better than this strange emptiness, even recalling careless words and actions that hurt me more than anything, ever. The memories are still there, if I concentrate I can pull them out, but it's not the same. He is an empty space in a broken heart.
And yet this is a good thing. This is what they mean when they say "This too shall pass." This is getting over you.

The Bet that just went sooo wrong

It all started with a simple bet that was a kissing bet with MAM. All my life, I have never surrendered to a bet and I will always make sure that by hook or by crook I win the bet. Never have I lost any.
From the kissing bet, it went to " I can bet u that I can do something that u cannot do" And when I asked MAM what sort of a bet that he can do and I can't? MAM replied me that he can sleep with any of the girls from Facebook, Tagged and Friendster and he bet I can never do that.DAMN it!That's the bet I have always been afraid of. So far, this is the first time I got into this bet. And I told him yes that is one bet should anyone ever bet with me, I will say "I LOST". At that time,deep down in my heart,I told myself that I have to find a way that he doesn't win the bet and I will not lose the bet. I told myself I can't lose a bet. Not this time. So I twisted the bet back to MAM. I told him I bet he was lying and MAM started telling me that he has done it with dozens of girls. Deep in my heart, I was soooo afraid of losing, so I told him that he was definitely lying about him doing this thing that we bet on.
Now I'm in deep shit because the girl I'm suppose to introduce to him for him to prove me that he has done and willing to do it again is :
1. She is still in Kota Kinabalu
2. She is a girl who took 2 of my boyfriends in the past.
3. I don't have the heart to go on with this kind of the bet with someone that I'm close with and love. MAM is one of my close buddy and I love all my close buddies.

Now he insisted that i get a date with this girl for him to prove me wrong. I feel shitty now and i mean really shitty. Somehow or rather I have to get Rufina for MAM as he insisted that i get the date for him. I will try my best to arrange for the date and then after that I will just disappear myself. This whole thing is a stupid bet and I will not bet ever again

My best friend call me THE BRAVE ONE

I've gone through so much. I was raped for 5 years when i was 7 years old till I was 12years old and and life wasn't easy for me until lately, I'm beginning to see things are changing to be on my side now after 38 years...
Because of all the things i went through and still standing tall, my best friend Mark always call me The Brave One. After watching the movie I know why he dedicated that name to me "The Brave One" and I kinda like it because by remembering the name given to me by Mark, I will always remember that I can face anything.Thank you Mark and I really love this song from the movie The Brave One called "Answer"

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
A place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

Making Someone feel love

Making someone feel loved can be achieved by the simplest of methods, but they must come at precisely the right time.
Tell her you love her.
'OK,' you say to your self, 'that's sounds easy enough.' It is easy, really. But remember to tell her you love her not only while you are being happy together, but when you are being sad together too. Or best of all, when you aren't together, and you have no real reason to be thinking about her.
A phonecall or an SMS or an email out of the blue, saying "I just wanted to tell you that I love you" is one of the simplest ways of making someone feel loved.
Hold her hand in public.
Holding hands can be really important. Not holding hands can make her feel as though you are embarrassed to be seen "with" her, or just as if you don't want to touch her.
Be there for her when she needs you.
This is the big one for me.
Someone who can hold me while I cry, or listen to me when I need to talk about what is hurting me, or just... you know... be there, makes me feel more loved than anything else.
Show an interest in her interests.
Try reading a book she really likes. You might like it, too. Or ask her what her 'special place' is, and if she asks you, go there with her. Or ask to go along to her club or class some time. Or just listen to her talk about them.
But don't pretend to be interested when you are not. Dishonesty sucks.
Which brings me to:
Tell the Truth.
When she can trust you to tell her, when she asks, that you don't like her hair-cut, or you don't like her dress, or you didn't enjoy her book, or that yes, she looks tired, she will know she can trust you to be telling the truth when you tell her that when she smiles it makes your heart ache with happiness.
Tell her she's beautiful
Robert Heinlein said "Always tell her she's beautiful, especially when she isn't" and I agree, but would be glad if he's said "Tell her she's beautiful to you..." If she knows you see her as beautiful even when she's been digging in the garden, or changing a tyre, or crying her eyes out for an hour (when she knows in her own heart she isn't, in other words) she will feel loved.
I've used "she", "her" and "hers" throughout this, but nothing in this would not apply to a man as well as to a woman.

The lost Love

It sucks. You're together, then you're not. Off he goes. He took your heart, threw it against the wall, stomped on it, wore it as a hat, chewed it up like a rabid dog gnawing on a policeman's leg, and spit it out. Then he walks up to you, hands it to you by holding it with his forefinger and thumb as if it were a dead rat, drops what's left of your heart into your palms, and then he walks off with some completely and utterly stupid walking prick who thinks, Oh I see he just did that to her but he won't possibly do it to me cuz with us it's different! Yeah. You keep tellin' yerself that, stupid girl.

The worst lost loves though, are the childhood crushes. The Charlie Brown "little red-haired girl" ones. The loves that were so lost you never had them in the first place. And then inevitably, ten, twenty, maybe forty years later you two run into each other and it's entirely awkward. What if he doesn't remember you? What if you've grown so senile you've forgotten him? Somehow you both get through the coyness and the shyness and learn that back then you both did have a thing for each other and gee why didn't ya ever do anything about it? Neither of you know, really. You think back and come up with excuses, but it doesn't matter. It's too late. Lost opportunity. Lost chances. Lost love.

Well it's not too late, is it? You're both here now. You're two mature adults. So maybe you manage to get a hotel room or do the your place or mine? thing. Then you get it on and the result is almost always anticlimactic, cuz a person can never outperform the fantasy that the other person invented ten, twenty or even forty years ago. It's like Howard the Duck trying to fly faster than Superman.

Or worse, one of you is taken. In the interum of the decades of lost loveness, one of you got tired of waiting, and settled for someone who wasn't as good as the fantasy of the lost lover, but was (and this is important) THERE WHEN IT GOT COLD. So there's now this other person in the picture who wasn't there 20 or 30 years ago and if he got involved, gee whiz this might get complicated. So you begin contemplating all the damned if you do damned if you don't scenarios. And ultimately you realize what I've told you from the beginning: that LOST LOVE REALLY SUCK.

...I wouldn't change a nanosecond though. Nope. Not a breath. Uhm... I mean you shouldn't, IF this ever happens to you... *ahem*

My Life is full of miracle..Thank You Allah

On New Year's Eve, I wanted to be alone.All by myself and pondering on what I have achieve all this while the last emmm..what shall i say? NOT decades..that makes it sound like I'm too old. I'm forever gonna be stuck at 25.Lol! Anyway, I feel 2009 onwards, insya Allah, my life will be a better one. I can feel it actually and all because Allah has bless me with a wonderful moments in my life and i will treasure every moment till the time for me to go home to Him.

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
‘Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
A place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

DEar Allah, Please Take away the sickness from my best friend

Yesterday I went to see Nini at her place and I found out she was not well. At first I felt a bit sad because I weren't told about this when the other best friend of ours knew about it. But I told myself..No I'm NOT gonna be sad about this. Probably because I weren't around that much but Asmah was there more then I were for Nini.
What's most important is for me to find ways to help her. That's what most important than feeling bad about me not being told about her situation. Deep in my heart I was praying to Allah, please please please take away her sickness. Please don't let her be sick cause she is my best friend. If You, my dear Allah has to give me the pain in order for Nini not too suffer, please pass it to me. I'm ever willing to carry the pain for her. I really want to see that happy face and that joy on her face..just like before.
Dear Allah, she is a friend I never had before. I will do anything for her. I'm putting my humble self on my knee, praying to you..please please take away her pain and sickness.


To Nini, I know someday I will not be around anymore. Should something happen to me, I just want you know that I truly love you. I might not be around you as much as Asmah is, but that doesn't mean I care for you less. And when one day the time comes for me to go home To Allah, I just want you to remember me this way. I have a perfect song to dedicate to you and i want you to remember me this way always.

DON'T LOOK AWAY. CHILD ABUSE VIDEO

This video isn't for entertainment, its purpose is to make people aware of how real child abuse is. Child abuse is too serious to be sugarcoated.



Being the victim of sexual abuse child myself, I would like to share some of the videos on CHILD ABUSE hoping someday and I mean just someday, these mean people will get a harsher penalty/punishment for their wrong doing towards the innocent children. You have left a very deep scar in our life and it's horrifying to realize just how common these occurrences are. Most of the time it never gets reported, people look the other way. But the child being abused carries their fears and feelings on into adulthood. They constantly feel the need to look over their shoulders and have a hard time trusting the most trustworthy of people. Abuse doesn't have to be physical either - mental abuse can be just as damaging. It's really quite sickening that people would do these things to innocent children - and infants who can't even speak or fight back. It's estimated that 3 children die every day from abuse and neglect. That's 3 more than there should be. Nowadays people are becoming more and more desensitized into thinking it's normal, or just plain ignoring the issue. It's easy to turn the news to Disney and MTV and forget things like this even exist. It's easy to block out if you've never been through it. This is a serious problem in today's society. It's not normal. Not one bit.
**For The Children**

For all the children who've lost their innocence...
Because of unthinkable cruelty and ignorance.

For all the little ones who cannot sleep...
Because of the horrible secrets they have to keep.

For all the ones who find it hard to eat...
When their angel face has been broken and beat.

For the tears that fall steadily when nobody sees...
And the child in the corner hugging her knees.

For the infants who are beaten before they can talk.
For the babies who know pain before they can walk.

For all the smiles that have been stolen away...
For all the children who are afraid to play.

For the adults who carry around their childhood bruises...
And the many abusers with their heartless excuses.

For anyone who acts out to suppress the grief.
For the ones who damage themselves to find relief.

For the ones who only want love and receive hate.
For the ones who suffer when the hour is late.

For every punch, bite, or burn...
And everytime a child "has to learn..."

For the sparkle of hope in a child's bruised eye...
When he looks up at the sky and feels he can fly.

For every hour, for every lie...
For every heartfelt plead or cry...

For all the blind eyes that pass them by...
For every young heart that has to die...

I pray for the pain to be forever a forgotten nightmare.
I pray that every child can be safe, and without a care.
I hope you find courage through everything life brings you...
And I mourn those who've died before the world even knew.

There is no amount that can add up to what these lives are worth...
May God condemn the ones who injure his angels on Earth.

May Allah bless their souls.. What is happening to This World

These are awful, Neo Nazies have been here now Palestinian sources said Israeli soldiers shot and wounded a child, Maher Salim Walweel, 6 years, when he was at the center of the camp near his home.The sources added that the boy died of his wounds after an explosive bullet in the neck.

The parents of the child Khaled Walweel 6 years who was shot and killed by Israeli soldiers in the Balata refugee camp east of Nablus in a desperate attempt to take him to the hospital (Reuters)

Khalid's brother, giving a final farewell he does not believe that Khalid had died

With the deepest simpathy.

And still make a wish,

May the Almighty Lord shows the Barbarian Israel and his partner

How wonderful to live in peace

How wonderful to be together in a harmony

That wicked old women just spoilt my day

Things were going so fine when i woke up this morning. before going to the office i went to the petrol station near my house to have my car washed. While waiting for my car to be washed, I went to the ATM machine located at the Shell station itself, keyed in my PIN number just to check the balance in my Maybank account, to see if EPF has bank in my money. Yup! There it was..the extra RM1,149.00 which i will be receiving from EPF for the next 12months. Today I got my first payment.
All the way I was thanking Allah for the rezeki He gave me despite my boss deducted my whole entire December salary.But who can stop Allah from giving His humble servant rezeki as He is the only Provider. Reached the office at 10.30..my day was so busy with work. I was doing 3 things at one time because I was trying to beat the time.
Everything was fine even though I had a very busy busy day. But I was still smiling.
Told Nini that I would stop over at her place.I try to make a point to meet up with Nini and As, my 2 best friend as much as I can even if its for a short moment. Really miss them when I don't get to see them.
I was in the kitchen having my dinner with the 2 of them when Nini told me what my maid had told her. It all started about her experience at my Ex- Evil mother in law.It was torturing moment for her during that one week stay at Melaka. The she was made to work like a donkey. Knowing that old wicked woman, she has filthy mouth that never said any good things about anyone but herself, and her mean evil character. I had a miserable life the day I got married to her son. I was made to work like a slave,and her words were never once like a decent old woman.
My maid told Nini that during her trip to Melaka, not only she had such a bad miserable experience, but that old wicked woman was trying to dig information about me. For God sake, it's like 4 years since my marriage to her son DEAD n OVER. She asked my maid things like "what time i go to work, what time i normally come back from work, and who are the men i brought home"
She is F@#*king sick in the brain. What MEN???She always think that I'M a whore just because I was a flight attendant. She and her whole family are the type of people who give religion a bad name. I might not be religious but not a day I forget about Allah and not a day I miss on my Zikir. And in my heart, I don't have any intention in hurting anyone.Not even her or my ex husband or even their entire family.
But the things she asked my maid really hurt me. Why can't she and her whole family leave me alone.
I really pray One day, Allah will make them pay for every little lie that they made about me and that include my ex husband.

The Reason Behind Drug Problem

People have used drugs for as long as they have tried to ease pain and avoid problems. Since the early 1960s, however, drugs have been in very widespread use. Before that time they were rare. A worldwide spread of drugs occurred during that decade, and a large percentage of people became drug-takers.

By drugs (to mention a few) are meant tranquilizers, opium, cocaine, marijuana, peyote, amphetamines and the psychiatrist’s gifts to man, LSD and angel dust, which are the worst. Any medical drugs are included. Drugs are drugs. There are thousands of trade names and slang terms for these drugs. Alcohol is also classified as a drug.

Drugs are supposed to do wonderful things but all they really do is ruin the person.

Drug problems do not end when a person stops taking drugs. The accumulated effects of drug-taking can leave one severely impaired, both physically and mentally. Even someone off drugs for years still has “blank periods.” Drugs can injure a person’s ability to concentrate, to work, to learn – in short, they can shatter a life.

Yet though the dangers and liabilities of drugs are blatantly obvious and increasingly well documented, people continue to take them.

Why?

When a person is depressed or in pain, and where he finds no physical relief from treatment, he will eventually discover for himself that drugs remove his symptoms.

This is also true for pains which are “psychosomatic.” The term “psychosomatic” means the mind making the body ill or illnesses caused through the mind. “Psycho” refers to “mind” and “soma” refers to “body.”

In almost all cases of psychosomatic pain, illness or discomfort the person has sought some cure for the upset.

When he at last finds that only drugs give him relief, he will surrender to them and become dependent upon them, often to the point of addiction.

Years before, had there been any other way out, most people would have taken it. But when they are told there is no cure, that their pains are “imaginary,” life tends to become insupportable. They then can become chronic drug-takers and are in danger of addiction.

The time required to make an addict varies, of course. The complaint itself may only be “sadness” or “weariness.” The ability to face life, in any case, is reduced.

Any substance that brings relief or makes life less a burden physically or mentally will then be welcome.

In an unsettled and insecure environment, psychosomatic illness is very widespread.

So before any government strikes too heavily at spreading drug use, it should recognize that it is a symptom of failed psychotherapy. The social scientist, the psychologist and psychiatrist and health ministers have failed to handle spreading psychosomatic illness.

It is too easy to blame the drug problem on “social unrest” or the “pace of modern society.”

The hard, solid fact is that until now there has been no effective psychotherapy in broad practice. The result is a drug-dependent population.

Drug users have been found to have begun taking drugs because of physical suffering or hopelessness.

The user, driven by pain and environmental hopelessness, continues to take drugs. Though he doesn’t want to be an addict, he doesn’t feel that there is any other way out.

However, with proper treatment, drug dependency can be fully handled.

As soon as he can feel healthier and more competent mentally and physically without drugs than he does on drugs, a person ceases to require drugs.

Drug addiction has been shrugged off by psychiatry as “unimportant” and the social problem of drug-taking has received no attention from psychiatrists – rather the contrary, since they themselves introduced and popularized LSD. And many of them are pushers.

Government agencies have failed markedly to halt the increase in drug-taking and there has been no real or widespread cure.

The liability of the drug user, even after he has ceased to use drugs, is that he “goes blank” at unexpected times, has periods of irresponsibility and tends to sicken easily.

Scientology technology has been able to eradicate the major damage in persons who have been on drugs as well as make further addiction unnecessary and unwanted.

Scientology has no interest in the political or social aspects of the various types of drugs or even drug-taking as such. Drugs, however, pose a growing threat to mental and spiritual advancement – which is the true mission of Scientology.

Thus, Scientology contains an exact technology which not only gets a person painlessly off drugs but handles their physical, mental and spiritual effects and locates and fully resolves the reason underlying a person’s drug-taking. Nothing else can do this with certainty.

I"ve been Dreaming About My Late Mama lately

The past few days, I've been dreaming of my late mom. Every time i closed my eyes, there she was in my dream again. She doesn't look sad or anything. In fact the one i had today, I was in a car with her. She took me for a long ride in a car I've never owned before, at least not my car. It was an old white Mercedes probably 1970. We both, just the 2 of us in the car. I remember she stop by a beach, I don't know where but never seen the place before. I can feel the wind blowing my face. In my last dream during that trip to the beach i remember telling her how much I've missed her since she's gone. The funny thing is that, she never said a word..she was just driving and smiling listening to me talking all the way like a chatter box.
After the trip to the beach i remember she sent me back, but it wasn't my house. When i turned around to wave goodbye she wasn't there anymore. I really miss her soo much.It has been 13 years since she left to be with the Almighty.
By the way, I remember the night before she passed away, she was watching Pocahontas. She told me "Girl this is very touchy..I love this movie". Mama this is for you,THE QUEEN OF MY HEART. I will love u for as long as i am still breathing.

Sexual Abuse Effects

My path of Life is going where I always dreamed it would go. For years I was so withdrawn and had walls so high around me. Now they are slowly coming down and I am becoming the lady I truly wanted to be all my life.
I was once a child sexual abused victim. I had to go through this nightmare for 5 years. It totally stopped when i was 13 to be exact. I never told my mom and dad til I was 17 years old. Why didn't I? Its rather hard to explain to WHY didn't I inform my parents about the incident. The number one reason child sexual abuse victims don't tell is that they are afraid they won't be believed. Children fear reprisals from the offender.
Offenders tell the child that no one will believe them; and that even if someone does believe, the child will be blamed for the abuse. Offenders openly threaten the safety of the child and/or members of the child's family. Offenders tell the child the perpetrator will get into trouble if anyone discloses the sexual abuse. This is particularly fearsome for the child when the perpetrator is a family member, because the child fears abandonment. Offenders promise gifts and rewards and offer bribes for the child to keep the secret. With young children, this can be candy, toys, trips to McDonald's. With youth, it can be videos, DVDs, rides in a car, sports tickets, sports equipment, clothes, makeup, jewellery, money, anything that is valued by the youth. Sexual abuse effects on children and youth can be evident in emotional, physical and behavioural ways. These effects can be just as devastating whether there was only one occurrence or there were repeated occurrences. Sexual abuse cannot be compared, because each abuse experience is unique. Children are vulnerable to sexual abuse because of their age, size and innocence. When a child or youth is molested, she/he learns that adults cannot be trusted for care and protection: well-being is disregarded, and there is a lack of support and protection. These lead to grief, depression, extreme dependency, inability to judge trustworthiness in others, mistrust, anger and hostility. And as if all that isn't enough, children's bodies often respond to the sexual abuse, bringing on shame and guilt.
» Children/youth are unable to protect themselves and stop the abuse.
» Children/youth are susceptible to force.
» Children/youth are susceptible to the use of trickery by offenders.
» Often times, children/youth have no control over their own bodies.
» All too often, children/youth are unable to make others believe them.
The above factors lead to:
» anxiety
» fear
» shame
» a sense of inadequacy
» the need to control situations and others
» a perception of self as victim
» identification with the aggressor Factors That Influence Sexual Abuse Effects Miraculously, not all children or youth molestation victims display signs that something is wrong. FACT: Between 21% and 36% of sexually abused children will display few or no symptoms (Oates, O'Toole, Lynch, Stern & Cooney, 19941).
Why do some victims display a multitude of emotional and behavioural effects, while others display few or none? In spite of few or no outward symptoms, child and youth victims do suffer emotionally. These emotional effects come in varying degrees, depending on the following six factors: The nature of the relationship between the victim and the offender: the closer the emotional relationship, the greater the emotional trauma. The age of the child when the abuse began and the duration of the sexual relationship: an ongoing sexual relationship with repeated contacts is generally more traumatic and usually produces more sexual abuse effects than a single contact. The type of sexual activity the victim is exposed to: sexual acts involving strictly non-contact sexual abuse appears less traumatic than sexual acts that involve contact. It is important to note, however, that trauma and the sexual abuse effects are still very real when any type of sexual abuse occurs. The degree of physical aggression directed at the victim: violence adds to the trauma of the abuse. Being physically abused, having a mother who is mentally ill, not having someone to confide in, and being socially isolated are significant predictors for childhood sexual abuse (Fleming, Mullen & Bammer, 19972). The response the victim receives when she/he discloses the abuse: healing is apparent when a disclosure is met with compassion and is followed with effective intervention; if the victim is met with skepticism and accusations, anger, or no response at all when she/he discloses, the sexual abuse effects are compounded. The availability of a supportive person in the victim's life: a caring, loving, nurturing, and listening person in the victim's life lessens the trauma; a lack of a supportive person intensifies the abuse and leaves the victim feeling even more lonely, helpless, and unworthy.

Molested children suffer many losses, including:

• self-esteem and self-worth
• trust
• childhood, including the opportunity to play and learn
• the opportunity for normal growth and development
• intimacy
• control over his/her body
• normal loving and nurturing
• safety and security

The longer the secret continues, the more trapped in the abuse the child or youth sexual abuse victims become. Survival means learning to adapt to the abuse in a variety of ways:

sexual abuse victims minimize the abuse by pretending that whatever is happening is not really bad--this can take the form of a tough sense of humour

they rationalize the abuse by explaining it away--they blame the abuse on the offender's drinking, drug use, etc.; they develop a twisted sense of love, telling themselves the offender is showing them love

they deny that the abuse ever took place

sexual abuse victims forget that the abuse ever took place, which is one of the most common and effective ways children deal with abuse

they label themselves--sexual abuse victims believe they deserve the abuse and that it's their fault. Nothing can be further from the truth!

they become controlling--sexual abuse victims try to control themselves and others; they become super-alert and eager to please

Though these coping skills are self-destruction, they are highly effective: they help numb the pain and get the child or youth through each day.

This page is dedicated to child abuse survivors who are on a life-altering journey of Awakening. A journey that for some—like me—is one that will bring understanding of their true purpose in life, one that will bring inner peace, joy and contentment. A journey that for countless child abuse survivors will be one of healing and recovery.

I believe that child abuse survivors around the world will come to see that A New Earth is the path toward healing and recovery AND is the answer to transforming your life so that you can enjoy the peace and contentment that you, indeed most of humanity, have lost.

Life throws many things in ones' direction, but if you take it on with good friends, support and those special people who stay awhile and leave those footprints in your heart, support you in all you do, want to do and become, it's all worthwhile in the end.

The story of my life

This song grabs and pulls at my heart strings every time I listen to it, it is very emotional. It's really perfect for my blog, as the title of this blog is "Story Of My Life". It basically tells the whole story of my life.

I wish someday, I can change the this blog to be "The Story Of Our Life".
The story of my life is very plain to read
It starts the day you came
And ends the day you leave
The story of my life begins and ends with you
The names are still the same
And the storys still the truth

I was alone.
You found me waiting and made me your own
I was afraid
That somehow I never could be a man that you wanted of me

Youre the story of my life, and every word is true
Each chapter sings your name
Each page begins with you
Its the story of our times and never letting go
If I die today, I wannted yo to know

Stay with me here
Share with me, care with me
Stay and be near
And when it began Id lie awake every night
Just knowing somewhere deep inside
That our affair just might write

The story of my life is very plain to read
It starts the day you came
It ends the day you leave

Siti Sarah's First Day at school

Today was the the orientation day for Standard One pupil. Sarah was all excited going to a real school. Just me and her.Reached her school at about 7.15am. School actually will be reopened on Monday 5th January. Today was only for standard one pupil.She looked so cute in her school uniform. Only thing was, she wasn't comfortable with her head scarf.
When i reached Sarah's school, every kids came with both parents. Where was Siti Sarah's father. Probably at his home, sound asleep. I can see all fathers were excited having their children going to school. Well since Ridhwan's time, my ex husband didn't come along. I had to settle a lot of things today at Sarah's school. 16 text books in my hand..kinda heavy, having to que to pay the school fees, i felt like fainting for a while then, having to go to the school office to settle some things. Well at least i did it myself.
While waiting to pay for the fees, i looked all around me,i can see how lucky those women and those kids to have such a responsible husband and a father.Well, i promise my 2 angels, Im gonna be a good mom and at the same time be a good father to them. I don't need to depend on their father.
I know i can do it without him. I mean even as when we were husband and wife for 6 years, he had always been irresponsible. And 3 years without him I still managed. Guess i can do things on my own.I don't need anyone to bring up my kids insyaAllah. I will manage.

Beware Of The Blackman Syndicate

Last night while all my friends were out celebrating New Year, I was at home with my Blogging, when my ex colleague buzz me on YM. She was all excited telling me about her boyfriend she knew on the Net. But the moment she told me, the guy had sent her a parcel, a Christmas present..I immediately stopped her from continuing her story. I told her its a scam. There are these group of Nigerian people that goes on the Net pretending to be a decent white man.Putting profile pictures of someone else, most of the time a gorgeous white man. Location are mostly UK. Wife had passed away and looking for a wife and a mother to his young child.
These men will go on the Net and start looking for their prey. Mostly Asian women. And unfortunately many women had fall for these men and thinking they were serious. Once this women fall into their trap, which normally will take around 3-4 days, this so called "gentleman" will tell the lady that he will be going on a trip.During that particular trip this guy will still be online. The next thing will be "Hey I saw this pretty necklace and i just have to get it for you. I will be sending it to you together with some cash.It should be arriving in 2days time." And these naive women will be all excited thinking there will be a parcel containing the necklace and the cash. One thing these women failed to realise is that..why would anyone sent some cash thru a Parcel when its against every country's law? Isn't nowadays they have this thing called MONEY GRAMM or WESTERN UNION? which only takes 10mins to receive.
This is the interesting part, they even have a courier company and a parcel tracking code to make it look convincing. 2 days has passed by. There will be someone pretending to be local authority calling and said the parcel has arrived but they can't release the parcel until Tax is being paid. Normally a couple of thousand. These naive ladies will fine money and will bank in the money.
Please remember that the immigration or the Custom will not ask public to bank into a personal account to pay tax. But if only the lady would call up the immigration at the right channel before banking in some money,these thing would not happen.
Now there are more new tricks these Nigerian syndicate have come up with. At times its not parcel. It can be themselves coming to this country or their households have been shipped here and many many more.
I do hope those ladies who are easily falling for gorgeous white man to think before they do stupid things. Its a lesson learned well to those who went through this ordeal and do be careful when being on the NET.

New Year's Eve of 2009...

Tomorrow will be 2009..means my life is nearer to an end.Celebration? Should i be celebrating? Its just another day, tomorrow when i wake up, IF i wake up things will still be the same. My previous resolution are still not fulfilled, why should i hope for a new one. I might as well get working on my old resolution. Maybe some changes here and there. Like getting rid of people whom i think not worth having them in my life.
Like today for example, I told Sheila that i will not get her the diet tablet but instead gave her the telephone number of the person that sells it.I just don't have the heart to sell it to my friends because of what happen to me when i took that tablet. I collapsed after having difficulty in breathing due to that slimming tablet. I told her that the reason i didn't pick up my phone because i was in the meeting from morning till evening. And besides, i left my phone at home.
She started saying stupid things when i buzz her on YM and i just got pissed. To me, I was trying to help her. Well i guess its not worth having such friend in the first place.I come to a point where I really don't need too many people in my life.Just like what i wrote in my previous blog titled BEING SINGLE,ALONE AND LOVING IT. first at all, you have to realize what really is important to you, what really makes you feel better, and try to be the most satisfy as you can doing things for yourself… How? It depends only of you.
I will cut down a lot of activities which relate to other people. I want to learn to be selfish from now on. I hate when family and friends treat me like door mat or like I'm some kind of a punching back. And when they don't need me..i will become invisible to them or they will throw me like a dirt bag.
Well anyway life has to on, till next time..HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone

Love letter to someone....

There was a time where I didn't believe in love.I really thought it never existed, but this is the time that makes me want to thank you. Thank you everything, because it is you that taught me love, and how to love. Before, I feared love. But now, I know I can't go on without love. Not any love, but your love, my love, my only, my one. I know you might fear my love. Here I am telling you to not fear it, but have it. Out of all the things money can buy and life can give, my love to you can not and will never match. Because it is you who I live for and will die for. It is you who has my heart, body, and soul. My eyes open to see you and close to picture you. You run wild in my mind, You stay still in my heart. My soul you share and my body you hold. Forgive me if I stop writing, but I must, for I fear words written on a paper can not describe what I honestly feel for the obssesion of my love, for you my love.Love you for the years to come, loved you for the years that have passed, and my love you will have always
i am overwhelmed by the flood of emotions. i am also a lover but i chose to hold back my feelings for this person because he is for something else, something greater than life itself. yes, i know that when the time will come that he has to go for it and live it, i will be broken. i know it will make me wanna scream and shout because of the pain but i know he will be happy there. his happiness is what i seek because i love him so much that though it will crush me, i am willing to see him without me. it is so easy to love but to really love without measure makes one the most vulnerable of all. but i believe that is the essence of love, loving and letting go just for him to be happy whatever his decision. i know he loves me, he told me so but i know i don't come first in his life. and that, i have to live with.
thank you for this chance to say how i truly feel. we all share this gift, the gift of loving. all of us are lovers, but not all have realized it yet or maybe they just chose not to be one because of the pain.
I love so much about you that it is hard to pick just a couple of things out. I love the way you laugh. I love the way you smile. I even love it when you make me mad and don't know why. I love how when you upset me, you try so hard to make it better. I am so in love with you that I don't go one minute without thinking of you and wishing that I was with you! I can't stand to be without you for one second. You have truly turned me into myself. Before you, nobody allowed me to be me. You have allowed me to open up my heart and trust again. You have allowed me to smile and be happy again. And for that I love you. I thank you and I will forever cherish our memories and I know there are many more to come.