Crazy Morning

Had a sleepless night yesterday. Tossing and turning, adjusting myself to get the right comfy position but failed. Woke up every 30-45mins. Went to my dad's room to sleep there and still can't get my mind to shut down not even for an hour. All i need was just an hour. Its been ages since I worry about anything. I guess Allah doesnt want me to be too comfy in my peaceful soul. Probably He doesnt want me to fall so He had to give me a small pinch of Ouuchhh!.
Taking my lappy at the time when I have 4 deadlines is not a small Ouucch actually. Its His funny way of telling me "Remember Me? I don't sleep FYI...Ask...ask. Ask Me for help". At 5.30am, my phone alarm woke me up for Fajar Prayer but because i didnt get to sleep through out the whole night, I decided to snooze it and buried my head under all 6 pillows of mine. After 9 minutes, the irritating alarm tried its best to wake me up AGAIN! But i guess, instead of my fat finger press the Snooze key, it accidently press TURN OFF key.
There goes my Fajar Prayer for today.The next thing I know, i heard a text message with the voice of Yoda telling me "Errr...Message from the Dark Side there is". With my head still under those pillows, my hand was searching for the hp that got lost under one of the pillows. Flip it open, its from the northen number giving me Morning greeting.
Thank God there wasnt a camera in my room to capture the funny reaction. First whenI saw the name of the sender, it put a smile on my face and taking my sweet time replying his message until I saw the time. It was 7am. My impulse reaction - Jump out of the bed, with my mouth instead of saying my normal daily ritual of thanks to Allah for the morning, I said "Holy Shit"and jumped off the bed, pull my towel behind the door, ran into the bath room and just as i was about to take off my top, I remembered i havent thank Allah for the morning.
Put back my top, ran back to my room, sat on my bed facing the window, first told Allah, thank you for giving me to see today, then apologies for accidently miss my Fajar Prayer, give Him a smile and a wink, hoping He forgives me for missing my morning prayer.( I know no excuse for that)
Went back into the bathroom, took my shower. Then it came to choose what to wear for the day(eerrggg!!! the part I hate most everyday), went to the first wardrobe cant find anything to suit my mood, went to 2nd wardrobe, still cant find anything. Went back to the first wardrobe, took my LIMA Rakan Cop uniform and grabbed my thorn jeans and just put them on. Quick make up ( no more thick make since i left the Airline 10 years ago).
Wonder how i get to write this journal when I dont have a lappy? Sadiq's PC while he is away. And I still cant get anywork done....sob sob sob

Love vs. "in" Love..heheheehe

We always hear stuff like, "It's been 6 months and he hasn't said 'I love you' yet." As if that's supposed to really mean something. But the fact that you've been together for 6 months doesn't mean anything other than you've been at it for 6 months. It doesn't mean that you're any closer to love than you were 6 months ago.

Because, as with anything else in life, the passage of time doesn't mean that you've actually accomplished anything. You don't get an "A" in school or a promotion at work just for showing up every day for 6 months. You have to actually DO something. And it has to be something GOOD.

It's a lot like saying "practice makes perfect." They figure that if you've been doing it a lot, then you should have perfected it. But think back to when you were practicing your penmanship in the second grade. Now look at your handwriting today. Have you actually perfected your penmanship? Some of us still have fairly good penmanship -- and some of us don't.

Because practice does NOT make perfect. You have to actually practice the RIGHT things in the RIGHT way to get it RIGHT. You have to follow the right steps and you have to put your whole effort into it. That takes focus and dedication. But if you keep at it, then "muscle memory" takes over. Your body does it without having to think about it. Like breathing.

The problem is that "muscle memory" also applies to practicing the wrong thing the wrong way over and over again too. Your body doesn't know the difference. That's why a lot of people still have bad handwriting. It becomes a bad habit they can't break because they always had bad form and they kept practicing that bad form over and over again.

In other words, practice doesn't make perfect, it just makes it permanent.

So let's get real about 6-month pseudo-anniversaries. At 6 months, you don't actually LOVE each other. Sure, you think you do. But you don't really. That's why it's so damn hard for you to say, "I love you." And that's why you need your partner to say it so badly. Because you want your own feelings to be validated so you can call it "love" too.

People get so caught up in superficial romantic gestures that they forget the real work that has to be done in developing a real relationship. That's why they go overboard in celebrating 1-month, 2-month, and 6-month pseudo-anniversaries. At the same time, when their partner says, "I'm feeling very stressed (or unhappy, frustrated, depressed, etc.)," their first reaction is "What about me?" instead of "Is there anything I can do for you?" They can't even practice good customer service with the one customer they supposedly love.

So, if anything, you're "in" love with each other. Unfortunately, people always mistake being "in" love for real love. "In" love involves chemistry. You either have it or you don't. And if you don't have it, then no amount of time is going to change the fact that you don't have it. That's where "he's not that into you" comes in.

But even if you have chemistry, that's still not enough to make a relationship. Because real love requires time to develop. And a lot of work. You have to be secure enough as an individual to be able to set your "me"-centeredness aside and become more "us"-oriented. You have to value making peace more than you value your pride or your principles. "Doing the right thing" has to be more important to you than "being right."

You also hear people say stuff like, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." That's just BS. What they really mean is "I was IN love with you more than I actually LOVED you." The truth is that once the chemistry faded, there was nothing left to sustain the relationship. "In" love never blossomed into real "love."

In other words, there's no "love at first sight." That's "in" love. And there is no love at 6 months either. That's still "in" love. Real love needs to develop. And you have to actually DO something -- and it needs to be something GOOD.

So if you're making a big fuss about celebrating your 6-month pseudo-anniversary, then you're much too aware of what time it is to be actually doing anything of any real significance. It's like going to work. Some employees spend their time watching the clock all day to see when it's break time, lunch time, or quitting time. But a few dedicated workers spend their day actually doing their jobs. Because if you're focused on what you're supposed to be doing, then time should pass without being noticed.

In other words, if you're washing dishes, then you have to wash the dishes to WASH the dishes -- NOT to get it over with so you can go do something else. You need to be fully engaged in the task of washing the dishes. Like I said before, you have to actually practice doing the RIGHT things in the RIGHT way if you want to get it RIGHT.

And if you take care in doing what you're doing today, then tomorrow will take care of itself.

Humming and typing at the same time

Just like any other morning, today I woke up with the morning sun shone its SMILE directly on my sleepy face. The first thing I heard when I opened my eyes was the sound of the bird chirping. As usual my daily ritual, I would sit on my bed facing the sky and tell Allah thank you for still giving me the opportunity to see today and how bless i truly feel. I thought I was gonna get up on the wrong side of the bed today because yesterday i was really down because of my poor lappy. But Allah just know how to put a smile on my face first thing in the morning. As i was sitting smiling to Him and thanking Him, I received text messages from the northern number and that puts my first smile for today. I know Allah was smiling WITH me at that moment.
Just before i hit for the shower, Allah made me realised the things i have achieved as at today. Gosh when i listed the achievement, I was speechless.One by one came to my mind and I guess its true that patient is a virtue. And then I realised that I am actually stronger than I thought.
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others. Courage is the ladder on which all the other virtues mount and Humility is the solid foundation of all virtues.
REached the office, first thing i did..I went to my technical's desk and said.."Saaaadddiiiqqqq....please pretty please..i just need to use your PC for a moment, Very very the urgent please pretty please. ( i was doing that spoilt brat face with a bit of angelic eyes with a pooted llips standing infront of a candy jar begging her mom to buy her those colourful candies). So he got up and told me take your time. Hehehe at that moment i gave him the longest smile..ear to ear smile. BUt Sadiq is kinda use to my craziness...jumping in the office trying to reach the ceiling when I am excited, scream out of sudden in the middle of the silence when something went wrong or putting on my headphones and start singing monotones tune so when I gave him that wierd ear to ear SMILE..no question asked.
First thing I type was www.tagged.com..lol. I just need to see his new uploaded pics. Ok I am gonna save my comments just incase he reads this journal and start growing his butt. (ooops! sorrryyyy yogurt)..but i must say this..naahhh i better save it. Now I am just singing to myself and typing this journal. Ok got to get back to work..dont know what to do la without my lappy. Filing? Done that before the Raya holiday, planning? without my project manager software? errghhh i am suppose to do the Pernama FM's website before the 8th oct. Ok now i have to do waht I normally do, take all these problems, wrap them in a plain white sheet, and I am gonna take it to Allah and tell Him to take it back because I can't find a solution. I do that when I am stuck and can't find an answer.
Hopefully things will be ok and He ..no no not hopefully I know He will offer His helping hand.

Just NOT SO COOL

Today is the 4th day of Syawal. I wouldnt say 4th day of Eidul Mubarak because the eid is only one day actually.Only people here celebrate it like the whole entire month of Syawal la. Anyway, today I am back to work. I woke up feeling fresh today probably because of the Magnetic Bracelet Ariff gave me yesterday. At first when i first put it on, I had this Vertigo reaction and kinda sleepy. Ariff told me that i need to drink lots of water.The bracelet is used for blood circulation and it also helps to lose weight. Thats the best part of course. Losing weight. heheheh.

Brought my son to the office as most staff would not be in the office today. They are still having raya sakan and will only be back to the office next week after Monday.Reached the office, tried to switch on my lappy, guess what? My stupid motherboard and also my hard disk have finally came to the end of their life. Khairuddin took out the hard disk and tried to retrieve the Data..Unfortunately it would not open and read. I felt like a dark cloud hovering above my head now. There are lots of important Data in that hard disk.

Now I am feeling really gloomy and stormy. On top of that gloominess and storminess, I am also feeling embarrass and stupid. I think....no no I know this person that i wrote about in the journal titled "Secretly admiring him..SHHH!" by now knew that the guy i wrote in the journal is him.

From his text messages, it gave me the indication that he already knew.

I really feel like going home now and bury my head in the toilet bowl that fills up with lots of nice clean bubble. This is soo embarrasing and so not cool. With my lappy and this embarrasing details about that journal, i wish i could be reborned. Reincarnation and be tiny frog...eergghhh waht am i spooting about.

I better shut off this lappy, return it back to Sadiq and go to my best friend's house Nini.

It's been 13 years and I still Cant Let Go

God I miss my mom sooo much. 13 years gone by, and I cant let go. Still hoping someday I wake up in the morning, I will hear " Girl..wake up...anak dara apa tido till 8 am. Wake up now and do the cleaning". And when I open my eyes i will see her standing at my door, wearing her moss green Maxi telling me to get up and hit the shower.
Bagaimanakan ku mula
Tiadakah kata-kata
Yang indah untuk diabadikan
Tiap wajah berkisah
Tiap madah bererti
Manakah ilhamku

Cahaya di matamu
Senyum di bibirmu
Mengukir seribu tanda pertanyaan
Mungkinkah kau jua dalam kerinduan
Di saat begini aku merindukan

Berhelai helai surat
Terbiar di depanku
Tak dapat aku utuskan
Ku ramas semua dan ku buangkan jauh
Dari pandangan
Lalu aku kesal
Ku kumpul semula
Tak dapat ku nyatakan apa yang ku rasa
Jika engkau tahu di dalam hatiku
Mungkinkah kau sahut jeritan batinku

Dengarkanlah panggilanku
Dengarkanlah lagu untukmu
Angin lalu kau sampaikan
Rasa rindu yang membara kepadanya

Warna warna cintaku
Kian pudar bersama
Malam yang gelap gelita
Apakah kau rasakan apa yang aku rasa
Atau kau tak endah
Tapi ku percaya
Semua telah tertulis
Dan niat suci ku takkan disiakan
Dan di suatu masa
Di hari yang indah
Ku hulur tanganku
Lalu kau terima

The Perfection of OUr Soul

If you've decided to get to the summit of your mountain and not just hang around base camp, then know that ascending to the highest level of living is going to involve your heart. Take a second to check how it's doing right now: Put your hand on your heart and ask, "Is my ‘love tap' flowing inside of me?"

You see, we all have a small but powerful golden tap inside of us -- while it might be covered over and obscured by leaves and twigs, it's still there. Get to know it, and check in with it on a daily (even hourly) basis. Is your tap turned on enough so that the love from your heart is flowing out to everyone you meet? Even though you may be taxed and burdened by a life that can be fraught with many disappointments, you can still love.

Every night before we go to bed, it helps to examine the day and review ourthoughts and actions to find how they could be more loving. Ultimately, when we leave this plane of existence, that's what's going to count.

In order to reach the summit of your own personal mountain, your mandate must be to love, inspire, and serve others in whatever we do -- not in some lofty purpose "over there," but in our daily life, right where we are right now.

1. Welcome everyone with love. With everyone, including animals, I meet, I automatically say to them mentally, "I welcome you into my life with love." It diffused so many situations I have been confronted with over the years. It puts out an energy and feeling of peace and understanding, whether the other individual knows it or not.
2. Listen to others. Truly listen with our undivided attention when someone is trying to convey something to us. truly understand where an individual is coming from. So much of our communication between individuals is misunderstood. Listen with the heart into what someone is actually saying, as it may not at all be what we thought we heard.
3. Breathe in love and breathe out blessings.This a continual mantra throughout my day.I start my day with and continually repeat. It reminds me to think well of others. Remember there is no time or space, and every time I say this I am actually emanating blessings and love to everyone and everything around me. This actually creates an energy field emanating from my heart like a beacon. Every second of every day, I always have a choice of how to be and how to react to any situation.
I believe that diseases begin when we disregard the messages of the heart and deny what gives us happiness -- good things will come if we live in joy, harmony, and gratitude. Through any personal health challenge, the miracle of the body still prevails. With a little help, it knows what to do and can repair at any age -- I've seen it happen countless times.

When the body repairs, the energy returns, the lights go on, the vitality pours back in, and everything lines up! Then emotions take on a rational perspective and spirituality is aligned; thus, we witness the true miracle of the connection between the body, mind, and spirit.
This brings me to the art of surrender, or the top of the mountain -- that is, when I can accept, allow, and enjoy the mystery of life as it unfolds and then ends. I hope that I can look back on the piece of patchwork that I've left on the planet with a sense of pride and accomplishment. And, as I review the life that I've passionately lived, I will be able to say" I DO NOT REGRET ANYTHING"

You are God's Bless

Just when everything was not in my favour, you came along. Only Allah knows how bless I am to have you in my life. I know we are far away from each other, but the messages you sent me daily made me so close to you.


aku malu berharap Engkau mengerti lagi
atas kesalahan yang pernah aku perbuat
hati dan perasaanku mulai teruji
selembut doa dalam hati
Kau mengetahui

kala panggilan-Mu
kumohon ampunilah aku

aku bersujud.. aku berdoa
menyerah padaMu.. ya Tuhanku
aku memohon.. keringanan hati
menentukan pilihan.. menuju rahmat-Mu

ya Tuhanku.. ya Tuhanku
ya Tuhanku.. ya Allah

aku malu berharap Engkau mengerti lagi
atas kesalahan yang pernah aku perbuat
hati dan perasaanku mulai teruji
selembut doa dalam hati
Kau mengetahui

kala panggilan-Mu
aku mohon ampunilah aku

aku bersujud.. aku berdoa
hanyalah padaMu.. ya Tuhanku
aku memohon.. keringanan hati
menentukan pilihan.. menuju rahmatMu

aku bersujud.. aku berdoa
hanyalah padaMu.. ya Tuhan
aku memohon.. keringanan hati
menentukan pilihan.. menuju rahmat-Mu

ya Tuhan.. ya Tuhanku

ampuni dosaku [ya Allah]
ampuni dosaku [ya Allah]
ampuni dosaku [ya Allah]

The First Eidul Fitri that I celebrate after 20 years of not having RAYA SPIRIT

Yesterday was the first time I enjoyed Eidul Mubarak since 20 years of losing that Raya Spirit. Actually I have a "Bucket List"- things that i will like to do, to meet and to achieve before I actually kick the bucket. I've had a couple on the list that I have achieved and done. And one of them is to spend Eidul Fitri with my family and having my 2 kids with me.
4 years since the divorce, i haven't gotten the opportunity to be with the kids during Eidul Fitri until yesterday. Only Allah knows how happy I am to get the pleasure of being with my kids and my whole entire family during the Eid.

I truly found the happiness yesterday during Eidul Fitri, because the Eid is not about SHOPPING til you drop dead and later get yourself stress for no particular reason because you are so dead broke. But the Eid is about you celebrating the achievement during Ramadhan and I might not have done 100% well during Ramadhan, but I have the biggest achievement during Ramadhan this year. Allah tested me with people that are close to me going against me for reasons only God and them. With all the nastiest emails and nastiest names given to me by them, I stood with my head held high and not a single bit it effected my mood or upset me in any way. For that, its the biggest achievement in my life because then I know I am able to block almost all negative issues that comes into my life.
This is the beginning of a wonderful journey in life, insyaAllah.

She is back?

Today as I was driving to KL to send the brownies Nora ordered, received a text messages. But i didn't bother to read instantly as i have been receiving a lot of Eidul Mubarak wishes. When I reached Ampang Point, remembered about the text message I received. Flip my Sony Ericsson phone, read the message.
Well it wasn't an Eidul wish but a message I received from someone who was at one time close to me and Nini. She told me that she will not go back to Sarawak this Eidul Fitri and she is all aline here. I don't know why but I felt sorry for her. So I told her to come over and celebrate Eidul Fitri with me and Nini and my family.
As much we were disappointed with her, I just feel sorry for her. And I bet she must be feeling lonely right now. And later after i have done with the cooking, I received more messages from her. This time she gave me her new contact number and her new house address.
Probably tomorrow I'd just drop by at her place with some of the Rendang and Ketupat. Let's see if Nini wants to come along. I guess its ok to give her a second chance though I am so afraid to have anymore close friends after what had happened at the office during Ramadhan. I am happy right now being on my own. Everyone is equal and no one is extra special as BFF anymore except Nini, Linda, Shaharudin(Qelana) & Mike.
Well will see how tomorrow is..and i will update

Salam Eidul Fitri

Today is the last day at work before Eidul Fitri festival. Many have gone back to their hometown last Wednesday. I am glad that i managed to apologies to those I have sinned in this office. People that I nicknamed or gossiped in my previous chapter of life.
In this new chapter, I decided to " zerorise " my mistakes with them and no more having cliques. Yesterday, the moment I gave people that I have sinned a hug and an apology, the moment I told them I have made many wrongs and mistake towards them, I felt the warmth in my chest and suddenly a big weight was lifted off my shoulder. I might not have best friends in the office anymore but one thing i know, I have gained many friends and after this my life in the office will be different. No more having cliques, everyone is equally treated.
Everyday is a transformation, a new sensation, alteration, modification, an incarnation,celebration. Everyday is a new equation, revelation, information, anticipation ON TO ANOTHER DESTINATION.
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference

If we want to find happiness, lets stop thinking about gratitude or ingratitude and give for the inner joy of giving

A new Chapter In My Life

Today I have decided to close a chapter in my life and start a new one with a greener pasture. It's true that when you lost something or someone in your life, God will replace it with a better things.
In my previous chapter of my life, I have lost people that were close to me. The first day I was sad and what made it even sadder were the words they threw on my face. But then the second day, I realised something. I woke up and still hearing the birds chirping and the sun was shining so brightly and beautifully, I told myself "Hey what is that to be sad about?". I went to the office feeling so much better than the old Chapter of my life. Because now, I have more friends and more time for myself. And guess what? For the first time in 4 years, my ex husband decided to let the children spend their Eidul Mubarak with me. Not forgetting, I received RM1,000.00 Ang Pow for the Eidul Mubarak from a client yesterday. At first I was wondering why was the packet thick and kinda weighty until I opened and took a peep. To my surprised there was RM 1,000.00. So I decided to give my best friend some and some to 2 of my colleagues who have helped me alot without having to remind me that they have helped me. And the balance shall go to my dad and to buy some meat for the festival of Eidul Mubarak.
I guess like the song i sing everyday to my self and to my 2 angels say:
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...
If you smile
With your fear and sorrow Smile and maybe tomorrow You'll find that life is still worthwhile if you'll just... Light up your face with gladness Hide every trace of sadness Although a tear may be ever so near That's the time you must keep on trying Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you'll just...
Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...
If you smile
Through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you'll just Smile...
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you'll just Smile

Thank you Allah for everything and for always protecting me in Your very own way... mmmuuuaaaahhhhsssss...Love you always Oh Allah

20 Quranic Duas

1) "And when My servants ask thee concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the dua (prayer) of every suppliant when they calleth on Me " [ Quran 2:186 ]

1. Our Lord! Grant us good in this world and good in the life to come and keep us safe from the torment of the Fire (2:201)

2. Our Lord! Bestow on us endurance and make our foothold sure and give us help against those who reject faith. (2:250)

3. Our Lord! Take us not to task if we forget or fall into error. (2:286)

4. Our Lord! Lay not upon us such a burden as You did lay upon those before us. (2:286)

5. Our Lord! Impose not on us that which we have not the strength to bear, grant us forgiveness and have mercy on us. You are our Protector. Help us against those who deny the truth. (2:286)

6. Our Lord! Let not our hearts deviate from the truth after selves, and unless You grant us forgiveness and bestow Your mercy upon us, we shall most certainly be lost! (7:23)

13. Our Lord! Place us not among the people who have been guilty of evildoing. (7:47)

14. Our Lord! Lay open the truth between us and our people, for You are the best of all to lay open the truth. (7:89)

15. Our Lord! Pour out on us patience and constancy, and make us die as those who have surrendered themselves unto You. (7:126)

16. Our Lord! Make us not a trial for the evildoing folk, and save as by Your mercy from people who deny the truth (10:85-86)

17. Our Lord! You truly know all that we may hide [in our hearts] as well as all that we bring into the open, for nothing whatever, be it on earth or in heaven, remains hidden from Allah (14:38)

18. Our Lord! Bestow on us mercy from Your presence and dispose of our affairs for us in the right way. (18:10) & (59:10)

19. Our Lord! In You we have placed our trust, and to You do we turn in repentance, for unto You is the end of all journeys. (60:4)

20. Our Lord! Perfect our light for us and forgive us our sins, for verily You have power over all things. (66:8

Secretly admiring Him..Shhhhh!!!

Recently, I know this guy. He has every quality i like in a man. Its hard for me to like a man though I have a couple relationship before. But half way I got bored with them. I need an intelligent man with good sense of humor. This guy, he is intelligent, full sense of humor and other qualities .Well, he doesn't know that I am kinda fond of him. I always look forward to see him online and get his messages. Whenever I hear the incoming text messages, I would jump at the instant beat hoping it would be from him. I remember the first time i received a text message from an unknown northern number, I was hoping it was him. So I replied the message and asked who the sender was...yay! I was right..it was him. My heart beat went dap dup dap dup.
I love intelligent Men! There is no doubt about it! I think intelligence and a good sense of humor are two of the most attractive qualities a man can have!Men with intellect, to me, are more passionate. They've studied, they've committed to bettering their mentality. The fact that they are willing to devote their time to something (earning an education, observing/retaining the world around them) can show through in many elements of life. That passion can follow him in a relationship, raising his babies, maintaining a job, empathizing for others.I don't think it has to do with the money, more to do with the fact you could have a decent converstaion. I know some really intelligent interesting men and they are in really low paid jobs, they just never found their calling in life. Still really interesting and intelligent and I love listening to what they have to say.
Physical appearance only counts for 20% to 30% of man's attractiveness level to me. When it comes to being more attractive to me, his personality is the greatest asset.
I love men who can make me laugh. But don't overdo it. Some guys tend to hide their insecurities by trying too hard to entertain and they end up looking like a clown. Everyone should have a passion for something. Not only does it give you so much more meaning to your life, but it also happens to be one of the most important qualities a girl looks for in a potential partner.
I am also attracted to man who is aggressive. This means man who know what they want in life and isn't afraid to GO FOR IT! Women want to feel good when they around their man. The men who are the most successful with women are enthusiastic, fun and happy.And this is what I like most about this guy. He is fun and funny.
This guy that I like, even though he is intelligent but he is not nerdy by trying to prove himself intelligence by talking about dry economic theories or overly deep philosophical nonsense. I cant't stand a nerdy man , unless if you know how to make these interesting for me. I like intelligence but I don't want a boring know-it-all kinda man. lol.
Well, after all is said, I just want to say..I REALLY ENJOY KNOWING HIM and feel bless that he is my friend.

Hiding again in my Numb World and I made friend with PEACE

2 weeks ago I was assigned to handle this big government project. In a way I am glad that I have been entrusted to handle this project. Handling it is interesting and what made it more challenging is that the deadlines to some are ridiculous. Some of my colleagues asked me why did I commit to this project when I was given only a month to deliver.
Well actually its shorter than a month and the project is worth million ringgit and one of my client involved in this project told me "Ellie please don't let me down with this project". I might looked cool on the outside but deep down inside of me, only Allah knows. 1. I don't have enough man power and 2. the time given for this big project is insufficient. But like I mentioned before, I am a work junky and I am addicted to challenging task and its like smoking pot.
I am shutting out some of the remarks my friends made. Some said " I do not have confident that you can achieve this project by the 18th", and some when i mentioned that I will have to sacrifice my Eidul Fitri holiday on 22nd September because I might have to work on that particular day, I got remarks such as "It's OK if you have to work on that day because you don't have home town to go back to" and worst of all the remarks was " It's ok because you don't have a husband and a hometown".
They do not know how those selfish remarks cut me like a knife. They do not realized how sensitive those remarks can be. So What I am gonna do is Shut myself into my imaginary place called My NUMB WORLD. In my Numb World, I made friend with something called PEACE.
In my Numb World, I close my eyes and see a perfect life. Inside my mind, dreaming only the days ahead. Wanted and wished for more than now or the days behind.
Every night before I go to bed, I always have this time where I called " My moment with my Best Friend (The Almighty Allah)". This is the moment where every night at 12 am, I will sit at my window in my room and talk to Him. I will tell Him how my day went for the day. Yes He always knew how my day went because He is always watching over me but Allah said He never get bored listening to my stories everyday. He would then explained to me why as compared me to my other friends, He decided to test me with lots of issues.
He said it's because He doesn't want me to forget Him not for a second. He also said that with all the issues that I have to go through in life, I will see things better as compare to others. He also told me that some of His servant, when they are tested with calamity(problems), they would then said "Oh Allah, I am sorry. I want to repent...but then when Allah lifted the problems, they forgot the promise they made and went back to the way they were".
Allah was the One who taught me to go to my Numb World whenever I am hurt. Its the best moment in my life where I find tranquility and solace.

Hold On....Be Strong

I have been assigned by my boss to handle this project and its not just a project but a huge project and it's million Ringgit project. I am all excited at the same time only God knows how much I am scared and worried. Not because of anything but I am given million ringgit worth project to handle but I am not given a team to work with. Yup no team. Just me, myself and I.
And I really do not want to screw up with this project coz if I do, I am putting my neck on a chopping board. I am doing the best that I can but at the same time I am also having other project coming in. All the projects are urgent and i mean it's super urgent. I have agreements to do, proposals to do, and also meeting clients at the same time and all I can do is to give my best shot and the balance of my worries, I guess I have to wrapped it in a pelican pouch and pass it back to Allah and let Allah handles them. I am only His humble servant.
I don't have the team to be working in a team. As I said before in my previous journal, 90% of the staff have been assigned to handle another project and that leaves me all alone to handle this big project. To make things more interesting Allah is at the same time, testing me with a teaspoon of salt and pepper. That is by giving me a situation to handle which is big.... my son is sick again and so is my daughter. On top of this my ex husband wants me to handles this all by myself.
When I look at my good friends like Zue, Azlan, Razak..how lucky they are. Happily married and loving couple. Maybe I will not get it here but who knows akhirat things are better for me. heheheh because at that time no one can hurt me anymore. Here, they keep on hurting me like life is gonna be forever for them la kan..lol.
Back to the point, basically at this moment I am worried as hell but at the same time I am feeling ok because I know this moment will pass somehow. The moment I get PO for this project I am gonna go for a break. Well I have this song that I really want to dedicate to myself:
Are you swimming up stream
in oceans of blue
Do you feel like your sinking?
Are you sick of the rain after all you've been through?
Well I know what you're thinking
When you can't take it
You can make it
Sometime soon I know you'll see

'cause when you're in your darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
and When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray
Well hang on and be strong

We're taking each step one day at a time
You can't loose your spirit
Let live and let live forget and forgive
It's all how you see it
And just remember keep it together
Don't you know you're never alone

'cause when you're in your darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray
Well hang on (whoa) and be strong

No you're not defeated
And soon you'll be smiling once again
Then you won't have to feel it
Let it go with the wind
Time passes us by
And know that you're allowed to cry

'cause when you're in your darkest hour
And all of the light just fades away
When you're like a single flower whose colours have turned to shades of gray
Well hang on (whoa) and be strong
(hang on hang on) Be strong
Hold on and be strong

A True Friend

This journal is dedicated to all my close friends....lately close friend has unintentionally or intentionally hurt my feelings. And at times I am feeling kinda alone.
A true friend will be there for you through thick and thin – good times and bad. It isn't too difficult to be friends with someone when life is filled with happiness and peace. It is something altogether different to have a friend who shares in your sadness and stays beside you even when things aren't going well.When strong friendships exist, mutual caring is evident. Doing things for one another, without expecting to have something done in return, is a sign of genuine friendship. So is being thoughtful and listening to friends when they need to open up.
When a friend is going through troubled times, being there to encourage them, even if it's just being a shoulder to cry on or to simply listen, can make all the difference in the world. Even when things are going great, having someone recognize and appreciate your accomplishments can be just as important. With so much emphasis placed on success and accomplishment this in this day and age, having someone to witness your achievements can make even the minor victories meaningful.
Unfortunately, sometimes, loyalty can be tested. We've all had situations where someone we'd consider a true friend has let us down. Friends, even true friends, are still human and because they're human they can make mistakes. Forgiveness is essential in friendships. Accepting a friend even though they may make a mistake shows them that you respect them enough to realize they're human.
No one is perfect. Have you always lived up to your highest potential? Sometimes, we can be the cause of problems that create negative effects for people who were counting on us. Because of this, friendships can be tested. A true friend accepts you, faults and all, though. A genuine friend understands that you make mistakes.
There are many reasons that you might decide someone is a good friend, and there are lots of reasons that you might want to pursue a closer friendship with someone. The color of friendship isn’t about race, ethnicity or skin color. It’s about two people who care about each other just as they are. Great friendships are formed when people will be there for each other, no matter what happens.
Friends become good friends because of these things, and because they enjoy spending time with each other. Friends don't become friends just because they look like each other, and people should never deny a friendship simply because they look different from each other. The true color of friendship shouldn’t be a color at all, but a feeling of belonging.
You can tell your true friends when they come to you for advice. If your friend is in need, they will often give you a call for helpful advice or simply to have a shoulder to cry on. Because that friend comes to you when they need help, it shows you that they think you are the person to help them. This is the ideal example of a true friend and something you should always keep in mind when a friend needs help.
The last reason why a friend who needs help is a friend indeed is that they will be there for you for both the laughter and the tears. Not only should two friends come together for fun times but also times of trouble. When you have a friend, make sure that the person whom you befriend is not a fair-weather friend and will stick by you no matter what. When the party is over, you want to be sure that your friend is still around. Although it is easier in the good times for many, it is when the rough times come along and you need help that you truly know who your friends are.

Drifting Apart

I thought that I knew you
But now I'm not sure

You used to be friendly
But not anymore

Each day we grow farther
Apart and I'm sad

We used to be best friends
The best I ever had.

At some point things changed
And our lives split apart

I miss you so much
In my life – In my heart.

Sometimes things must happen
And friends drift away

I wish it weren't us
I wish not this way.

My Days at Sunway Medical Center : (

I am writing this from my hospital bed at Sunway Medical Center.Got admitted yesterday at 9.30pm when my tummy got worst. I have been having my gastric attack the past 2 weeks and 3 times i had been to the clinic. None of the medicine I took helped to ease my gastric.
Today the doctor came to have a look at my problem and he said i needed to have endoscopic done to make sure that I am not having ulcer. I was so afraid of the word ENDOSCOPIC. Didn't know how the procedure would be done. I was so afraid to go thru another nightmare treatment.After the cancer treatment 2 weeks ago, I don't think I can take another treatment that would give me an excruciating pain like the one i had to go through 2 weeks ago.
At 10.30am, the doctor came to have a look at me and did some pressing here and there before he told me "Ok I will need to do endoscopic and some x rays on you". And when I asked him if the procedure was gonna hurt, his reply was "Oh no..its gonna be fun for the doctor"..
I was asked to removed all my 7 ear studs, my belly stud, toe ring..everything on my body that's metal.At 12.30pm the nurses wheeled my bed down to 1st floor and to a room called DIGESTIVE CARE ROOM. I was sooo hungry because the last meal I had was at 6pm yesterday. At 4am this morning a nurse woke me up to give me my medicine and Milo to drink. She told me that I had to fast at 7am for 6 hours.
At the DIGESTIVE CARE ROOM, i was given this orange syrup. It was sweet and a lil bit bitter when I drank it but after awhile..euuuuwwww!!!!..It started to taste weird in my mouth.Then again I was wheeled into a different room with scary equipment. The nurse could see my nervousness. She told me not to be afraid coz the doctor would be putting me to sleep before the procedure.Pheewww..
Then the doctor walked into the room, took a small syringe contain the liquid thats gonna put me right to sleep. The next thing I know, I woke up at a recovery room. My head felt so heavy only God knows.
Finally they wheeled me back to my ward where my dad n my best friend waited. I also saw a fruit basket on my side table and i knew my pantry gang came but had to go back to the office as it was 3.30pm. Thanks guys.




Above are some of the pictures during my stay at Sunway Medical Center. I miss my 2 angels and wish they are here with me. Sarah just called as I was uploading the pictures above. She wants me to come home but the doctor told me "NO NO NO... you have to stay one more night. Sob Sob Sob...I also miss 2 episodes of Sekar..Darn!...

Glogster

Finally Allah answered this particular request of mine

Everyday I prayed to Allah, to open my 2 brother's heart to come back and ask for forgiveness from my dad. Its been 2 years, since papa disowned them. 2 years ago, they both wrote a very nasty emails(which I still have, though i have forgiven them since that very day and do not hold grudges against them) to me and i mean really really nasty. At that time I had this evil maid..or rather would call her Maid Made In Hell. 2 years, she was with me, she told my ex husband and my brothers things weren't true about me. And because of that, my 2 brothers hate me til today and my ex husband used to send me nasty SMS every time she slandered me.
At that time all I could do was crying my heart out.People asked me how come I didn't chase her out of my house? My answer was "she is poor". Having her in my house for 2 years was like living as a prisoner in my own house.I lost my 2 brothers, I have an ex husband who kept sending nasty text messages to me (at the time she was with me and the spy for my ex husband..lol)
But the past 2 years, despite the nasty emails and accusation my 2 brothers made towards me, I have never stopped praying to Allah to open their heart to come to papa. I even asked Allah to take me away, maybe by taking me away they will come back to papa.
Yesterday, papa went to my cousin's place for a kenduri. He told me, he was talking to my auntie when suddenly my sister in law came to my dad and hugged him. About 10mins later, my brother came and hugged my dad, crying beg for his forgiveness.
Just last week over dinner I told my dad, "papa if the 2 of them come back during the Eid Mubarak, please forgive them".My dad was upset and said NO..then I told my dad " Allah is the greatest and He forgives anyone who ask for His forgiveness." and my dad kept quiet after hearing that remark.
And yesterday when I heard what happened, I was soooo overjoyed. Only Allah knows how happy I am now. Now i have to keep asking Allah to open the other brother's heart. I'm sure he will come back soon. And I know papa will have both sons back even though I know they are not gonna talk to me but it doesn't matter as long as I know papa forgives them.
Thank you soooo much of Allah

Secret Admire...SHHHHHH!!!

Saat aku tertawa diatas semua

Saat aku menangisi kesedihanku

Aku ingin engkau selalu ada

Aku ingin engkau aku kenang

Selama aku masih bisa bernafas

Masih sanggup berjalan kukan slalu memujamu

Meski ku tak tahu lagi engkau ada dimana

Dengarkanlah aku kumerindukanmu

Saat aku mencoba merubah segalanya

Saat aku meratapi kekalahanku

Aku ingin engkau selalu ada

Aku ingin engkau aku kenang

This is the song I listen to every day, every night. And each time I listen to it I wish I have someone to dedicate to..hehehheheeh. But who would that be? Well at this moment, I kinda like this person. But I can oly admire him from a distance.
I miss him when he doesn't call or doesn't text or YM me. He doesn't know and I will make sure he will never know. Oh dear! I don't know what will hapeen if he is to know that I kinda admire him. I guess its true when they said that when u like a person, you tend to keep all his or her text messages.
Hehehehe i know it's stupid but guess what...I'm guilty as charged. LOL. I kept almost all his text messages unless my inbox is kinda full. heheheheeheh. Well I am just gonna keep this as a secret and enjoy his company for as long as I can.