The Short but Most Memorable Vacation....

On Wednesday Nini and I finally bought the train ticket to Butterworth. I looked at her and said finally we bought the ticket and off to North. We' finally managed to get the time to go for this trip. After my dinner with papa, I sat on the bed still holding the ticket in my hand, reading the words that said....Kuala Lumpur Sentral ke Butterworth.

22.30, got online and couldn't wait to tell Qel that Nini and I finally bought the ticket to go to Penang. Well, he is not from Penang but Kulim is very near to Butterworth. I told him that we would be dropping by at Kulim to visit him(Still couldn't believe the thought of meeting Qel for the first time)
Finally Friday came, woke up as usual thanking Allah for letting me see the day, asked Him if I was really going for the trip that same night. Excited? In a way yes but more of being nervous, I reckon. But on that Friday itself, I was busy with appointments. Train to Butterworth was at 8pm and I haven't packed a single thing. I am not a light traveler but Nini reminded me again and again that this time we're not driving and she kept telling me to pack light.
Heheheh frankly speaking, my toiletries itself takes so much space. And my clothes lagi, I know its just gonna be 3days 2 nights..but i have my lappy and my camera bag..my hand bag..etc...
After my meeting at 4.45pm, from Bangsar shoot terus back home to do my packing. Chuck everything into one bag..my back pack and damn it was heavy..LOL...like there's some kind of big rock. At 6.30pm, papa sent me to Nini's place.
Nini's children sent us to KL Sentral...at that time only He knows what I was feeling inside. It's like I can POOP BUTTERFLIES then. We bought the coach that has bed..cost us RM40 one way...pretty cheap. The journey was 8 hours...its my first time on train actually so a lil bit 'Jakun' and I got to know it was also Nini's first time.
The train was heading to Hatyai but would stop at Butterworth. Our cabin was what i call 'Meriah'..with those old China men and retired nyonyas going for their holiday at Hatyai. Those people reminded me of the time when I was doing Beijing or Shanghai flight during my MAS days. Always happy nyonyas traveling..heheheheh.
At 4.15am, received SMS from Qel..."Coming to get you now sayang". Nini was helping me to get rid of my nervousness. I know Qel would still love me the same once he sees me in person....he accepted the fact that i have bone cancer and still love me, he has seen me on the webcam and still love me. Like i told Allah, send me the one that He knows best for me..and came Qel who accepted me for ME.
From far, I saw him and my heart almost dropped. LOL. He asked his father if Nini and I could spent our weekend there and his father was OK about it. Reached his house at 6am and we were greeted by his father. A very nice person. Took my shower, did my Subuh prayer and decided to take a nap.
Saturday was first day there...my God..the place was sooo peaceful and when i woke up, i could hear the sound of birds like tiung, and the chicken at the backyard..lots of green, clean air...GOD! The father was very very nice and Nisha...first time meeting her. Didnt get a chance to meet his mom as she is at Shah Alam now doing some kinda treatment for her sendi.
His father asked me if if I could stay a lil bit longer and i wish i could but then, i cant leave papa and my kids after the weekend. My ex hubby will be sending the kids back to me tonight. Going back tonight. Taking the 9pm train. Am feeling sad already but we will meet again. The days i spent here was really really memorable..hehehe we cooked together while the father kept us company at the kitchen. His father is just sooo adorable.

Qel, learning how to do my special 'Ikan Masin' at the same time eating his favourite 'Rojak Buah". Next dish will be 'Asam Pedas Ayam'...REally had a good time cooking in the kitchen with him. He is a very simple guy but open minded, and takes his religion seriously and funny too. Really enjoy his company.I know Allah has plan this moment long time ago but He made me met the wrong ones before the right one comes along. Qel came just when things at my office were bad and during the time when i have to go through my treatment. I can never thank Allah enough for this. I know later on the train, I will definitely gonna shed my tears.
Qel's father told me that he will like to visit me and papa somewhere after Raya Haji. Looking forward to that.

WHATS IN FOR THE DOG IN 2010

The Dog is wonderfully hard worker, a perfectionist and someone who loves
the small details. He is also a bit anti-social, pessimistic and stubborn. They are one of the most honest and loyal signs of the Chinese zodiac and will always go to bat for a worthy cause. The Dog is a fantastic listener and his advice is usually very intuitive.

Forecast for 2010 The Year of the Tiger will be an excellent one for all Dogs with a significant improvement in fortune all year long. They must leave the past behind, for the Ox year was a challenging one, and look forward with optimism and determination. There will still be challenges this year for the Dog, as for all the signs, and it is important that he talk over any potential problems and worries rather than bottling them up. Socially, this is the Dog’s year to shine and many new strong friendships and alliances will be formed. The Year of the Tiger will see increased finances for the Dog with many receiving bonuses or even gifts throughout the year. However, it is important that he takes his time regarding financial matters, checking details and ensuring that he has
read all the fine print. May to August will be very significant for single Dogs and all invitations should be carefully considered! September through November will have crucial career opportunities so don’t miss
them! Recreational activities and hobbies will also feature strongly,with some able to turn their hobby into their career with great success.

Being Eccentric.....

Some may think think I am eccentric from the way i dress and some may think I am schizo(split personality) but then again so what…life is too short to be so overly concerned about what people think of you. I am proud to be one(eccentric). LOL!

“Eccentricity is not, as some would believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd.”

Back to work after a long break

Today is my first day back to work after a long leave for my treatment. Actually tomorrow is the day i am suppose to start work but then, i need to settle some things at work for this weekend's AKW program. Need to make sure the crawler is ready in time before Sunday. Besides i have my monthly management report to do. It was really a drag when I woke up this morning. The thought of going to the office was like Eeeuuuwwwww!!! But then again, Nini and Qel keep telling me that I will be OK.
Reached the office at 8.30am and decided to do my report straight away. At the same time checking with the programmer on the progress of the AKW crawler. Zam the host will kill me if the crawler is not ready by this Sunday program.. I kinda of like the new life I have at the office now. I mind my own business and only talk when its necessary. Kinda of peaceful feel good.
Qel text me asking me how's thing at work. Heheheh! He is kinda worried but again I am a big girl and one thing I learned in life is that..at anytime things went bad for you, always look at the positive side....and no one can hurt you. Life is just too short to be miserable.
At 6pm, i packed my things and left the office. As i punch out today at 6.15pm...i stopped just before i enter the car, though it was drizzling, i looked up at the sky and said THANK YOU GOD for giving me a peaceful day today.

Sarcoma Awareness

I can almost see it, that dream i'm dreamin but, there's a voice inside my head sayin, you'll never reach it. every step im takin every move i make feels lost with no direction, my faith is shakin, but i, i gotta keep tryin i gotta keep my head held high

there's always gonna be another mountain im always gonna wanna make it move always gonna be an uphill battle and sometimes im gonna have to lose it aint about how fast i get there aint about whats waitin on the other side its the climb

the struggles im facing the chances im taking sometimes might knock me down but no im not breaking i may not know it but these are the moments that im gonna remember most yeah just gotta keep goin and i i got be strong gotta keep on pushin on cuz

theres always gonna be another mountain im always gonna wanna make it move always gonna be an uphill battle sometimes im gonna have to lose aint about how fast i get there aint about whats waitin on the other side its the climb x2

keep on movin keep climbin keep the faith babe its all about its all about the climb keep the faith keep your faith

Yesterday while chatting with Qel on YM, Mike called me on YM too...hand typing to Qel, ears listened to Mikey. He is also in the same situation like me..MADLY IN LOVE. He told me that he never approved my previous relationship but this time, he sincerely approved of my relationship with Qel.
Mikey told me last night, he needs my help to teach his girlfriend about Islam. He did mention to me 2 weeks ago and I told him I will try my best. The truth is, I am kinda scared actually though Rona is gonna be the 5th person that I am gonna teach. But each one of the previous 4 individuals Allah sent me has different profiling and before they revert to Islam, I had to do their profiling first. To know at what angle should i approached them and how to bend their heart. Its tough and hehehe the toughest was Mike himself. An American and who at one one time was an orthodox Jehovah Witness. He used to call me Taliban and a terrorist. LOL! But Alhamdulillah now he is a good Muslim.
And to teach about the religion is a big responsibilities. Don't know why Allah put this bis responsibilities on my shoulder..because I am no scholar neither am i an angel. I have too many flaws and weaknesses. But then again if I turn down the task given to me,its like me refusing to Almighty's request. So far 4 whom He sent to me went pretty well and all of them are good practicing Muslim. And which I am still not one.(trying to be though..who knows one fine day).
Today I received a text message from Rona. She is a beautiful Philippines girl. And i mean really beautiful. She told me that she is excited that I am gonna be her teacher (Only God knows how scared I am actually..heheehehe..but then again i know He is gonna guide me just like how He did to me when I had to teach the previous 4 individuals only using YM and Skypes and web cam).I guess this is His way of cleansing me as I have done many wrongs in my 40years of life.
I like to dedicate this song to those who TRULY understand me, appreciate me for what I am, and to those who have been there with and for me.

I can almost see it, that dream i'm dreamin but, there's a voice inside my head sayin, you'll never reach it. every step im takin every move i make feels lost with no direction, my faith is shakin, but i, i gotta keep tryin i gotta keep my head held high

there's always gonna be another mountain im always gonna wanna make it move always gonna be an uphill battle and sometimes im gonna have to lose it aint about how fast i get there aint about whats waitin on the other side its the climb

the struggles im facing the chances im taking sometimes might knock me down but no im not breaking i may not know it but these are the moments that im gonna remember most yeah just gotta keep goin and i i got be strong gotta keep on pushin on cuz

theres always gonna be another mountain im always gonna wanna make it move always gonna be an uphill battle sometimes im gonna have to lose aint about how fast i get there aint about whats waitin on the other side its the climb

keep on movin keep climbin keep the faith babe its all about its all about the climb keep the faith keep your faith

Finally 5 sessions are over...

I finally complete my 5 sessions of radiation therapy. Yesterday was the worst effect. The vomiting and i felt so weak. Nini was with me yesterday and she couldn't stand seeing me sitting on the toilet floor with my head putting on the toilet bowl. I really wish she didn't have to see those moment. She accompanied me all the time and Qel too (only thing is Qel accompanied me via SMS as he is not here at KL)..At 3.30pm, I was still feeling so weak but just had to drive to the office.
Sadiq and Din said "Ellie go home la..look at you..you look so pale with reddish eye bag"..but one of my boss need some clarification and need me to settle some problem with one of our client After the short meeting, my 2nd boss called me into his room. TO told me that he is considering of transferring me to a lighter work but I begged him not to. Work is like drug running through my vain. I am addicted to work. The harder the task is....the "drug-high" i get.
He told me my big boss will make the decision whether to get an assistant for me of to transfer me to a lighter work. He said stress is bad for my cancer. I begged and begged him yesterday to let me stay where my current position is. He told me they will not decrease my salary..only the work will be lighter. But i don't want a lighter work/task.
So I told him that each time i indulge my self into work, i will forget about my cancer. So he told me to be strong as Allah will always be with me. He told me to do extra prayers like Tahajud and he gave me some name of herbs that i should try because one of his friend's daughter took that herb and cured. Now she is cancer free for 3 years.
Finally TO told me, he will not transfer me to a lighter work provided i update him on my progress. I know I am gonna be ok, insyaAllah...with my sibbling's encouragement, my niece Tiara, my best friend Nini, my sweetheart Qel, who are always there for me...InsyaAllah.

A Fresh New Start

Today, I have decided to have a new fresh start. I have decided to delete all unnecessary negative element in my life. After my hospital appointment, I rested at Nini's place until i was feeling ok. There I listed down all the things and people that I don't need in my life. After doing the listing, I sign in to my Facebook and deleted anything or anyone that I have considered my past. Got onto my YM deleted all my past and finally, got on this blog of mine, have a new make up and disable what I need to disable.
Some may say I am dysfunctional in many ways, from the way I dress, from the way live my life but one thing I know I am truly happy with my life. I realised "This is me" and yes I am different even if to some I have split personalities and crazy...so be it as long as I am happy and not feeling miserable inside.
Now that I have deleted my past, I shall live the way I want my life to be. And never to bother what anyone wants to say or do. Special thanks to the Almighty, my family, Qel, Nini and not forgetting my God brother, Milli..

Am not gonna get even

I learn one thing in life...when we hate our enemies, we are giving them power over us, power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health and our happiness. Our enemies would dance with joy if only they knew how they were worrying us, lacerating us, and getting even with us. Our hate is not hurting them at all, but our hate is turning our own days and nights into a hellish turmoil.
I can't really remember who said this but it goes something like "If selfish people try to take advantage of you, cross them off your list BUT DON'T TRY GET EVEN. When u you try to get even, you hurt yourself more than you hurt the other fellow...
Hatred destroys our ability to enjoy even our own food. I know people who whose faces have been wrinkled and hardened by hate and disfigured by resentment that all the cosmetics surgery wont improve their looks half so much as would a heart full of forgiveness, tenderness and love.
If we cant love our enemies, lets at least love ourselves. Lets love ourselves so much that we wont permit our enemies to control our happiness, our health and our looks.No one can humiliate or disturb me unless we let them.
STICK AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES
BUT WORDS CAN NEVER HURT ME.

Heard an incoming message at my phone. Head was still buried under my 6 pillows...grabbed my phone and read the message. "Breakfast"??.....can u you accompany me with the kids for breakfast?"..text message from my ex hubby. I just gave a short reply saying "Ok...30mins".
Since I have been throwing up after my radiation treatment, just dont have appetite. Rizal came picked me and ridhwan up..Sarah still didnt want to go but Rizal forced her to tag along. Had breakfast at Papa Rich Kopitiam because i felt like having something soupy.
After breakfast, Rizal dropped me at my house and took the kids for a swim at his place. I took my car and went to Nini's place. Fahmy and Tokwan Gaban arrived from Penang this mornintg at 4am and put up at nini's place. The moment i walked into Nini's house, saw Tokwan and he looked at me with that look that tells me he knows about Q and me( told myself..that's it, Im so gonna get it from them). And the moment I walked into the kitchen, Fahmy said "Ahhh meh duk sini..nak kena Q & A..Ma(nini) dah cerita kat aku semua pasai hg n Q"...
Shida (nini's sister) asked me to rest because I looked so pale and my eyes looked terrible due to the radiation therapy . But then again, I reminded her not to treat me like a sick person. The whole time, they were teasing me about my relationship. We were so loud and we really had a good time.
At 2pm, Nini, Fahmy, Tokwan, Tiara and me went to Mili's house for late lunch. Finally...I finally went to their house. Had a good lunch. Ain cooked us Ikan bakar, BBQ chicken(i think) and the air asam is superb. Love Ain's cooking.

Critism Cant Hurt You

I just have to write this topic today for the benefit of MYSELF and those who care to better themselves . Some of the stories in this journal like about Abraham Lincoln and Eleanor Roosevelt are taken from the books i have read. Reading and understanding always make you a better person. In surah Al'-Alaq started with the word "READ". But reading and not understanding will only create problems.
At one time, criticism made by others, really bothered me right to the root of my heart. But then I remember Umar Khattab once said, the best person to make you a better person is your closest enemy. The criticism given by your closest enemy actually makes you a better person..and while they are busy finding ways to hurt you with their critics and words, you will be busy bettering your self. For that I will have to say THANK YOU.
Off late, I have been berated and insulted, and denounced as mentally ill bitch, pig etc etc....I have been called every possible combination of unprintable cuss words in Bahasa Malaysia language. Bother me? Huh! When I hear somebody cussing me now, I never turn my head to see who is talking." Most of us take the little jibes and javelins that are hurled at us far too seriously.
If I am lied about, ridiculed, double-crossed, knifed in the back, and sold down the river by one out of every six of my most intimate friends- let's not indulge in an orgy or self pity. Instead, lets remind ourselves that's precisely happen to one of the prophet...Nabi Isa(pbuh) and also Prophet Muhamad s.a.w(pbuh). So why should I expect a better score?
I discovered lately that although I couldnt keep people from crtisizing me unjustly, I could do something infinitely important: I COULD DETERMINED WHETHER I WOULD LET THE UNJUST CONDEMNATION DISTURB ME. I am not advocating ignoring all criticism la kan. Far from it. I am just talking about ignoring UNJUST CRITICISM.
Ok this part is taken from a book I read once. About Eleanor Roosevelt and how she handled unjust criticism.(ni ada kang someone kata I am mentally ill lagi..hehehe) And only Allah knows how she had a lot of unjust criticism. She probably had more ardent friends and more violent enemies than any other woman who ever lived in the white house. When she was young, she was morbidly shy, afraid of what people might say. She was sooo afraid of criticism that one day she asked her aunt....Theodore Roosevelt's sister for advice. She said something like " Auntie Bye, I want to do so and so. But I am afraid of being criticized".
Teddy Roosevelt's sister looked into the eye and said "NEVER BE BOTHERED BY WHAT PEOPLE SAY, AS LONG AS YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART YOU ARE RIGHT"..the advice bit of advice provoke to be her Rock Of Gibraltar years later.
The only way we can avoid criticism is to be like a Dresden-chine figure and stay on the shelf. " Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. yOU'LL be 'Damned if you do' and damned if you don't"
Abraham Lincoln might have broken under the strain of the Civil war if he hadn't learned the folly of trying to answer to all the vitriolic condemnations hurled at him, He description of how he handled his critics has become a literary gem...his headquarters desk during the war and Winston Churchill had a framed copy of it on his walls of his study...(I like this very much) It goes like this " If I were try to read, much less to answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business. I do the very best I know how....the very best I can and I mean to keep on doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, then what is said against me WONT MATTER. If the end brings me out wrong, then 10 angels swearing I was right would make so difference.

Remember this quote :
DO THE BEST YOU CAN; AND PUT UP YOUR OLD UMBRELLA AND KEEP THE RAIN OF CRITICISM FROM RUNNING DOWN THE BACK OF YOUR NECK

Day 2 (22/10/09)

The whole of last night I couldn't sleep. The throat was feeling really dry and i was throwing up so bad that my tummy hurt. But the doctor told me that I will face all this after radiation therapy. Today my best friend decided to take leave to be with me during my radiation treatment. Since this is already 2nd day of the treatment, I am braver than yesterday and knowing my best friend Nini is always gonna be there with me, I imagined going for the radiation is like going for a SPA.
Oh cute practical doctors were around too..lol! Nini said,http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5503574444178363699 Ellie, remember Qel? I said of course, he is right here with my hand putting at my chest where my heart is.I was just trying to get rid of my nervousness of going thru the treatment again when I told Nini " There are cute practical doctors...lol". I even told Dr M, "Cute practical doctors made me feel like as if I am at a SPA in the Garden of Zeus". He said "Yeah keep that imagination and make sure you have removed all the STUDs on your body". Again having to lay my body on that big metal bed that made me feel like being bedah in the bilik mayat la. Just when Dr M said ok no movement, thats the time la i feel like scratching my armpit, my leg la and my temple la...lol!
After the treatment decided to rest at Nini's place. I felt tired and my voice sounded sexy..and my throat felt like being sliced. Nini asked me to rest at the guess room while she and her sister Shida cooked lunch. The lunch was good and really love the telor masak lemak, ikan masin goreng and kucai goreng with garlic. Just when i thought I can enjoy my lunch when suddenly I felt the food was going up and down in my tummy. Unfortunately the didnt last long enough to be digested. Threw up everything...so Nini told me to take a nap....was feeling kinda weak but keep telling myself "Im strong"..
I decided to update my blog...when i saw this comment. I was dumbfounded at first but then when Nini read it, she said Ellie, just don't bother. Look at it this way, no one can hurt you because you are not the one who keep finding ways to hurt others but some people has nothing better to do in their lives and they are so bitter that all they can think is spending their time to crack their head to find ways to hurt you when you have moved on with your life. And Nini told me that whoever wrote that just need to grow up and get a life.
Thought of what Nini said made me smile. Its true, because the nasty comment was for the journal below. Yes the story titled "God Replied was from an email I received 10 years ago which I keep til today because it has a reminder which i use it for myself whenever I fall. Well like Qel said, "If you read the 'devine dialogue', in metaphorical sense there are insight that can be of benefit to you".
Allah gives the very best to those who leaves the choice to Himeditdelete

10 months ago

Yesterday while doing my solat Isyak, during my last sujud i was sobbing crying asking God few questions. This is the first time that Allah tested me to the maximum of my abilty not beyond but its to the maximum. During this test Allah has answered all my questions that i asked last nite during my prayer at 3.00am. Beside all the question aswered as below verses in the Quran i received from an email, Allah has also shown me who are my trues friends, friends that are really there for me during this hardship im going thru..and who are just friends that will be there with you during your good times only. Anyway below are the verses from the Quran that i suddenly received in my email and surprised that these are the questions i asked Allah yesterday which no one knows. Allah speaks to you in many ways

KITA BERTANYA : KENAPA AKU DIUJI?
AL-QURAN MENJAWAB
"Apakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan saja mengatakan;
"Kamitelahberiman," sedangkan mereka tidak diuji? Dan sesungguhnya Kami telah menguji orang-orang yang sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui orang-orang yangmbenar dan sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui orang-orang yang dusta." -Surah Al-Ankabut ayat 2-3
KITA BERTANYA : KENAPA AKU TIDAK DAPAT APA YANG AKU IDAM-IDAMKAN? AL-QURAN MENJAWAB
"Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu, Allah mengetahui sedang kamutidak mengetahui."
Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 216

KITA BERTANYA : KENAPA UJIAN SEBERAT INI?
AL-QURAN MENJAWAB
"Allah tidak membebani seseorang itu melainkan sesuai dengan
kesanggupannya."
Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 286

KITA BERTANYA : KENAPA RASA KECEWA?
AL-QURAN MENJAWAB
"Janganlah kamu bersikap lemah, dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati,
padahal kamulah orang-orang yang paling tinggi darjatnya, jika kamu orang-orang yang
beriman."
Surah Al-Imran ayat 139

KITA BERTANYA : BAGAIMANA HARUS AKU MENGHADAPINYA? AL-QURAN
MENJAWAB
" Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Bersabarlah kamu (menghadapi segala
kesukaran
dalam mengerjakan perkara-perkara yang berkebajikan), dan kuatkanlah
kesabaran kamu
lebih daripada kesabaran musuh, di medan perjuangan), dan bersedialah (dengan
kekuatan pertahanan di daerah-daerah sempadan) serta bertaqwalah kamu
kepada Allah,
supaya kamu berjaya (mencapai kemenangan)."

KITA BERTANYA : BAGAIMANA HARUS AKU MENGHADAPINYA? AL-QURAN
MENJAWAB
"Dan mintalah pertolongan (kepada Allah) dengan jalan sabar dan
mengerjakan sembahyang; dan sesungguhnya sembahyang itu amatlah berat kecuali kepada
orang-orang yang khusyuk"
Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 45

KITA BERTANYA : APA YANG AKU DAPAT DARIPADA SEMUA NI?
AL-QURAN MENJAWAB
"Sesungguhnya Allah telah membeli dari orang-orang mukmin, diri, harta
mereka dengan memberikan syurga untuk mereka...... "
Surah At-Taubah ayat 111

KITA BERTANYA : KEPADA SIAPA AKU BERHARAP?
AL-QURAN MENJAWAB
"Cukuplah Allah bagiku, tidak ada Tuhan selain dariNya. Hanya kepadaNya
aku bertawakkal."
Surah At-Taubah ayat 129

KITA BERKATA : AKU TIDAK DAPAT TAHAN!
AL-QURAN MENJAWAB
"dan janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya
tiada berputus asa dari rahmat Allah melainkan kaum yang kafir."
Surah Yusuf ayat 12

Day 1 (21/10/09)

Though I was on leave today, but had to wake up really early to settle something at the office. The thing need to be settled before 11. It has to be at RTM before 11 a.m. Managed to settle a couple of things by 9.40am..email out and off i rushed to the hospital for my first radiation therapy. Was kinda scared but mama use to tell me, there is no such thing as pain..it's all in your mind. My late mom used to remind this again and again " HE WHO CONQUERS HIS SPIRIT IS MIGHTIER THAN HE WHO TAKETH A CITY..AND ALWAYS REMEMBER ALLAH NEVER SLEEP NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND..HE LISTENS"
I need to do this on my own...without people that I love to be around. Not even my closest friend Nini. I don't mind having Nini during my routine check ups but while going thru the treatments, no matter how they hide the feelings, i know deep down these people will feel sorry for me and cried inside of them. In order for me NOT to break down, I have to go thru the treatment all by myself.
While waiting for 2pm, i sat the cafe with my lappy. I looked at my dad's photo, my kids, and Qel's photo to give me that strength. Stopped by at Nini's Tagged, looked at our photo together and actually told her in my heart.." We are gonna build that house at Teluk Intan by the river...we will have that house". From 12.15pm, I was listening to the song "Can't help falling in love" by Michael Buble on a repeat mode...In my heart singing it to Qel.
In the beginning I told NIni never to tell Qel about my cancer. Afraid to lose him. He is a blessing from Allah. And since we are in a relationship now, I told Allah, I am gonna love him for the sake of Allah. And I know Allah gives the best and he is the best among all the guys I know. So a couple of days ago, I took the risk of telling him. The risk was a big one but I just don't have the heart to hide things from him. And so I told him...to my surprise, he said he is not gonna leave me and he is gonna be there for me..rain or shine.
Before 2pm, they already prepared me for the treatment. I had to change into the hospital gown...well the doctor already told me earlier that the treatment is not gonna hurt...but what is gonna hurt probably is the after effect. Thank God it was external radiation therapy. Dr M was really nice...I guess all doctors are nice. Their duty is to save lives. Hmmm...the procedure didn't take that long. But I was made to rest before time for me to go home.
Got back home around 6pm++. Text Qel and Nini...I asked Qel if he still loves me and would want to be with me, after knowing my real condition?..His answer really touched my heart. The SMS was very simple and short but the impact from his answer gave me a chill running through my spine.."By Allah's name, YES! Muuuaaahhhs".(The SMS I received..and knowing him, he doesn't just using Allah's name if he really didn't mean it)
I guess when Allah took my 2 friends that i truly love and adore for reasons i will never know(wish I knw)...He replaced with someone who would bring happiness into my life and his love has overcome the sadness in me for having to lose 2 of my best friends(well at least i know there were my best friends once upon a time and someday I hope and pray they will find a place in their heart to forgive me and tell me what I actually did wrong to them..i wish I know). Allah always does His miracle.
I am gonna write a story titled GOD REPLIED and I really hope whoever reads this part of the journal will not get upset of kinda sensitive. Read the message in the story , here goes :

GOD : HELLO DID YOU CALL ME?
ME : Called you? No ..... who is this?
GOD : THIS IS GOD. I HEARD IN YOUR PRAYERS. SO I THOUGHT I WILL CHAT
ME : I do pray. It makes me feel good. I am actually busy right now. I am in the midst of something
GOD : WHAT ARE U BUSY AT? ANTS ARE BUSY TOO
ME : Don't know but I can't find a free time. Life has become hectic. Its a rush
hour all the time.
GOD : SURE ACTIVITY GETS YOU BUSY. BUT PRODUCTIVITY GETS YOU
RESULT. ACTIVITY CONSUME TIMES AND PRODUCTIVITY FREES IT.
ME : I understand but I still can't figure it out. By the way, I wasn't expecting you
to buzz me on an Instant Messaging Chat.
GOD : WELL I WANTED TO RESOLVE YOUR FIGHT FOR TIME, BY GIVING YOU
CLARITY.
ME : Tell me why has life become complicated now?
GOD : STOP ANALYZING LIFE. JUST LIVE IT. ANALYZING IS MAKES IT
COMPLICATED
ME : Why are then constantly unhappy?
GOD : YOUR TODAY IS THE TOMORROW YOU WORRIED ABOUT YESTERDAY
YOU ARE WORRYING BECAUSE YOU ARE ANALYZING.WORRYING HAS
BECOME YOUR HABIT. THAT'S WHY YOU ARE NOT HAPPY.
ME : But can we not worry when life is full of uncertainty?
GOD : UNCERTAINTY IS INEVITABLE, BUT WORRYING IS OPTIONAL.
ME : But then there is so much pain due to uncertainty.
GOD : PAIN IS INEVITABLE, BUT SUFFERING IS OPTIONAL
ME : If suffering is an optional, then why is there so many good people suffer?
GOD : DIAMOND CANNOT BE POLISHED WITHOUT FRICTION. GOLD CANNOT B
PURIFIED WITHOUT FIRE.GOOD PEOPLE GO THROUGH TRIALS BUT
DON'T SUFFER. WITH THAT EXPERIENCE THEIR LIVES BECOME BETTER
AND NOT BITTER.
ME : YOu mean to say such experience is useful?
GOD : YES IN EVERY TERMS. EXPERIENCE IS A HARD TEACHER. SHE GIVES
THE TEST FIRST AND LESSONS AFTERWARDS.
ME : But still why would we go through the test? Why cant we be free from
problems?
GOD : PROBLEM ARE PURPOSEFUL ROADBLOCKS OFFERING BENEFICIAL
LESSONS TO ENHANCE MENTAL STRENGTH, INNER STRENGTH COMES
FROM STRUGGLE AND ENDURANCE , NOT WHN YOU ARE FREE OF
PROBLEMS.
ME : Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don't know where we are
heading
GOD : IF YOU LOOK OUTSIDE, U WILL KNOW WHERE YOU'RE HEADING
LOOK INSIDE.LOOKING OUTSIDE U WILL DREAM. LOOKING INSIDE, U
AWAKEN. EYES PROVIDE SIGHT. HEART PROVIDES INSIGHT.
ME : Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction.
What should I do?
GOD : SUCCESS IS MEASURE AS DECIDED BY OTHERS. SATISFACTION IS MEASURE AS
DECIDED BY YOU. KNOWING THE ROAD IN AHEAD IS MORE SATISFYING THAN
KNOWING YOU RODE AHEAD.YOU WORK WITH THE COMPASS.LET OTHERS
WORK WITH THE CLOCK.
ME : In tough time, how do you motivate?
GOD : ALWAYS LOOK AT HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME RATHER THAN HOW FAR YOU
HAVE TO GO. ALWAYS COUNT YOUR BLESSING..NOT WHAT YOU ARE MISSING
ME : What surprises you about people?
GOD : When they suffer, they asked "why me"?When They prosper, they never asked 'why
me?"Everyone wants to have truth on his side but few wants to be on the side of the
truth.
ME : Sometimes i asked who am I, why I am here, i cannot get the answer.
GOD : sEEK NOT TO FIND WHO U ARE, BUT DETERMINE WHO YOU WANT TO BE. STOP
LOOKING FOR A PURPOSE AS TO WHY YOU ARE HERE.CREATE IT. LIFE IS NOT
A PROCESS OF DISCOVERY BUT A PROCESS OF CREATION.
ME : HOw can I get the best of life/
GOD ; FACE YOUR PAST WITHOUT REGRET. HANDLE YOUR PRESENCE WITH
CONFIDENCE. PREPARE THE FUTURE WITHOUT FEAR.
ME : One last question. SOmetimes I feel prayers are not being answered?
GOD : THERE ARE NO UNANSWERED PRAYERS. SOMETIMES THE ANSWER IS NO
GOD : KEEP THE FAITH AND DROP THE FEAR.DON'T BELIEVE YOUR DOUBTS AND
DOUBT YOUR BELIEFS. LIFE IS A MYSTERY TO SOLVE AND NOT A PROBLEM TO
RESOLVE. TRUST ME. LIFE IS WONDERFUL IF YOU KNOW HOW TO LIVE.

THE MOST RELAXING RECREATING FORCES ARE A HEALTHY :
RELIGION, SLEEP, MUSIC AND LAUGHTER. HAVE FAITH IN GOD- LEARN TO SLEEP WELL- LOVE GOOD MUSIC - SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF LIFE- AND HEALTH AND HAPPINESS WILL BE YOURS

Leave To be Continued..YAY!!

Yesterday was the first day of my 2 weeks leave. This 2 weeks leave is no vacation for me... I need to go for my cancer treatment(pheww! now I can write here as Qel already knw about my bone cancer so i have nothing to hide anymore.) I refuse to do chemo as the side effect is really obvious and I never ever want papa to know about it. At this his age, he should not be worrying about his children anymore. Instead of chemo, i will opt for something with less side effect. Anyway its still at stage one. I opt for radiation therapy. Its a type of cancer treatment to shrink the cancer cells. I will be going through an external radiation therapy, therefore I need not stay in the hospital overnight. Nini will accompany me for the therapy but actually I rather go alone. 1. I dont like people to see me when I am in pain. Its only gonna weaken me. I am a strong girl. I AM TINKERBELL...
But unfortunately, yesterday after my hospital trip, my boss called at 12 requested me to cancel my leave for 2 days because police of Kuantan has personally requested for me to be there by 3pm. I know it was a crazy request but i had no choice but to rush home, packed my things and drove all the way to Kuantan at the speed of 170-180km. Reached Kuantan just in time. Straight to the Rakan cop booth and started doing what I was suppose to do la. But Allah is soooo great, He knows i was tired due to the early morning hospital trip and having to rush to Kuantan. I was being given the ultimate highest treatment by the local police. By 7.30pm i wrapped up everything and went straight to the hotel.
This time I was given by the local police a complimentary room at the hotel. A suite...I have always told myself..."I wish one day I get to sleep on the most comfy mattress that is covered with WHITE clean sheet, with lots of white fluffy pillows( I love fluffy pillows) and with thick white fluffy comforter... And guess what, the moment i entered the suite, i went to the room...God fulfilled that wish of mine...the exact request. And being in that big room all alone...its the best moment for me yesterday.
Today I woke up at 6am++ when Qel text me..hehehe my head was still buried under the 6 huge fluffy pillows...was still feeling sleepy when we were exchanging SMS. Continue my sleep until about 8.50am....was soooo hungry. Ordered room service. The OCPD told me..eat whatever i want...just sign to the room. Did some work before i packed my stuffs and took my shower. At 12.30 drove back to KL. Decided to stop by at the office.
Met my HR and somethings happened. But Alhamdulillah Allah is on my side. Something my HR inform me that made me feel so blessed. And guess what...not gonna let anyone break me. And I mean NO ONE...
My new CEO knows about my condition, having to fight cancer, he allows my leave to be extended till 4th November. And I promised him that despite having to go through my treatment, I will still do my work from the hospital and at home.

My Beserah Trip 13/10 - 15/10

My Best Friend Nini and I by the beach across our cabin. Before dinner. Just got back from work at Beserah.


Lotus plant. Right infront of our Cabin. Its really beautiful. It gave me the serenity inside of me. Really have to take the kids here. Hopefully next weekend before the monsoon gets really bad.



This is where i had my tea after work and nice charcoaled bun. Hai Peng is a very famous kopitiam at Kemaman. My boss En azli took me and 3 other colleagues of mine 2 years back. It has been there since 1940..and the kaya bread is fantastic. The black coffee is simply uuurrmmmp.


On Tuesday 13th Oct, after work and rite after Maghrib, I had to drive to Beserah, Pahang. Because I have some problem with my left leg, Nini had made a promise, any outstation trip I will not drive alone but with her. So, I picked her up at her place and straight to Kuantan. We made a move around 7.45pm. Nini said I am so stubborn for not letting her drive. She knew I was tired coz I was at work as early as 8am and i only slept for 2 hours the nite before. On top of that, I had RTM meetings. Reached Kuantan decided to look for the place where my event would be held at Beserah.

Reached my favourite hide out place at Cherating around 1.20am. Unfortunately it was close. Nini called Shah who happen to own the bar across the the chalet we wanted to stay. He told us to stay at the chalet next door .
As long as the place is clean and has an attached bathroom WITH A DOOR, i'm fine. Shah called the owner and thank God, there was chalet available. If not, guess we have to stay in a car. And if that was to happen, i would be dead duck because my event started at 8am the next day. Reached our cabin, put everything on the bed, I rushed to the toilet. Came out from the toilet, my eyes just caught this flickering thingy on our bed. Nini and Shah were smoking outside. When I got near the bed, to my horror, it was a medium size butterfly. I have phobia when it comes to butterfly or moth.(long story why la). I jumped and screamed like as as if I saw a ghost. I ran outside and jumped off the chalet standing in the rain and begged Nini and Shah to get rid of the butterfly. After 5 minutes trying to catch it, finally Shah managed to catch and let it free outside.
After awhile, Nini went to send Shah back to Lil Bali. I locked the door and called Qel.
I was having a good conversation with him, when suddenly i saw another creepy crawler. A Cockroach. And when it started to move towards my bed, I got up still on the phone with Qel, standing on the bed with my eyes followed the movement of that stinky creature. It got nearer to the bed and suddenly it came down and got onto the bed.Qel kept me company over the phone. I told myself what could be worst then getting myself stuck in a small place and cockroach as your company?
Guess what, as I turned my head looking for any newspaper to whack that sticky creature, I saw this hole on the wall covered with masking tape. The I remembered what Shah told us earlier before nini & i checked in. He said this place has a peeping tom. I was updating Qel on every movement of that cockroach. When it crawled on the floor i had to jump back on the bed. And i told Qel about that hole on wall too and the peeping tom. Felt so hungry then. Had to wait for nini to come back. Qel was sweet enough to keep me company over the phone.
At 2am, suddenly a loud knock on the door and again i jump and scream. Gosh thank God i didn't get a heart attack. It was nini. She came back with some food. Alhamdulillah. Heheheh when I opened the pack it was nugget. I dont normally eat nugget but damn i was hungry. Had a couple of pieces. At 3.30am, Qel and I finished our conversation as i had to sleep. Had 2 and half hours of sleep. Nini woke me up at 7am. Took a cold shower and off to Beserah for the Rakan Cop event.

The Chalet across ours. This was taken in the evening after my duty at Beserah. Its simply breathtaking.

The lake is another breathtaking view. Taken from my Cabin doorstep. With lots of lotus.

This was taken right from our doorstep. After a hard days work, i was sitting at those lil steps of our cabin, wish the kids came along but because they had school, I couldnt take them with me. I bet they would enjoy every moment spent there at cherating

On the way back from duty, saw all these kambing. I got excited and decided to snap their picture. Really wish one day, I can have this simple life. Its so peaceful.

To The Shining Star Of My Heart QEL..

This song is specially dedicated to someone very very special to me..the apple of my eyes, Qel. With lots and lots of love...

Before you Qel, my life was like a moonless nite. Very dark but there stars-points of light and reason. And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire, there was brilliancy. "I looked up to see him smiling a crooked smile so beautiful that i could only stare at him like an idiot".
I was prepared to feel.... relieved. Having you know about everything, not needing to keep secrets from you. BUt I didnt expect to feel more than that. i like it. It makes me....HAPPY.
"I am glad", I said. I'd worried that he might regret telling me these things he told me. It was good knowing that wasn't the case.

- ???-

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay beforeyou and how fabulous you really looked….You're not as fat as you.Imagine.
Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing Bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind…the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.Stretch!!Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever
own...
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Brother and sister together we'll make it through.Someday your spirit will take you and guide you there. Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

Papadom

I don't normally watch Malay movie but with the recommendation from my eldest brother, I decided to take the kids to watch PAPADOM at the GSC Summit. I must say, it's a thumbs up. And besides the actor happen to be my favourite, Afdlin Shauki. Always like his acting. The kids wanted to watch G-Force but I made a deal with them. I will buy G-Force DVD(pirated copy) which they can watch again and again (especially Sarah) provided they watched PAPADOM with me. And the kids agreed.
After the movie, stopped at Focus Point to make me a a new glasses(getting old that i need a reading glasses now). Recently I notice that i have difficulty with my reading. The sales assistant kept telling me I am too young to have a reading glasses. Until I insisted they checked my eyes and told them that I am not actually young. I am 40. Hehehehe they thought that I am 28...hmmm...must be the tomato juice. After checking my eyes, she told me that I do actually need reading glasses.
Checked my tagged and my emails. Got a couple of emails from my Pete. He sent me my favourite pictures. Pictures of him and his mom. I just love looking at his mom's photo. I bet if my mom is still alive, she would look like Pete's mom...God I wish I still have mama.

My Day Today

Today I decided to go for my run at MPSJ track. Its been 5 months since I last went for my work out at the gym. Not just because I have been busy but also my left leg needed the rest for 6 months. Woke up at 5.45am, did some reading and really forgot the time until my Pete text me at 6.25am. Replied his text and took my ablution and prayed.
Wanted to just stay in bed at least until 7.30am but then again need to start my exercise. Changed into my exercise attire and woke the kids up.Decided to bring my kids and my helper along. Only managed to do 5 rounds around the track. After 5 rounds, my left leg was still feeling OK.Not bad I said to myself.Told myself, need to do one more test to see if my leg can take it..running up and down the steps. Another 10 rounds of ups and downs of the 25 steps non stop. Alhamdulillah til now my left leg is OK.
Weather was really nice. Sarah and I were singing "What a wonderful world" all the way back home. I see trees of green, Red roses too.I see them bloom for me and u..and I think to myself WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD. The colours of the rainbow so pretty in the sky( Sarah & I jus love to sing)....Sent the kids n my helper back home and decided to visit mama's grave. Recite some verses from the Quran for her. Had a lil chat with her. Updating her stuffs....telling her things that happened at the office and telling her about this wonderful guy i just know. God! it feels so 'tenang' at her grave. Really pray to meet mama again.
Went back home,don't know why feeling lethargic but then my room needed my attention. Decided to clean my room at the same time enjoying my text messages with my Petey. Just after doing the cleaning, went out with my angels for lunch(food at home is too luxurious for me, big prawn curry, chicken ginger with leek, etc). I just need some simple food, vegetarian.
Wanted to pay Nini a visit but was too tired. Perhaps later tonight. Decided to take a short nap but my short nap wasn't that short. I slept til 6pm. Must be the DETOX. I detox my body every 6 month but since after Ramadhan, I only eat once a day so probably with the detox and lack of food in my body made me feel lethargic.
Decided to have a quick check on my Tagged. Something caught my eyes. My ex changed his profile picture. He only put the picture which he knew only me will understand. Every time, he puts that picture, it means he is sad. Its already been a year when I broke up, but why is he still doing this to me. I have to move on with my life. He had his 20months chance with me. I am not a person who would wreck someone's marriage. Its bad enough not knowing I was having a relationship with a married man. But guess what? This time that profile picture he just change is not gonna make me feel sorry. I have a life. I am not gonna let anyone hurt me anymore. I deserve to be happy. Its time i care for this someone named Elina Ariffin. She deserves especially from myself.

Guess It's The Bitterness in Them

Sometimes it’s funny to see how some people are so bitter. They are constantly finding ways to hurt others. But the funny part is, while these people busy finding ways to hurt the other party, this person just couldn't be bothered and go on with their life. So the loser will bee those with bitter heart, those who filled up their heart with anger and hatred.
We know we should forgive. We know we shouldn't be bitter. There is, however, a significant problem. Forgiveness often gets frustrated. It gets blocked, stuck, restrained, entangled. The process of forgiveness often begins with the best of intentions, but then it somehow looses its steam. The rage returns. The pain & the injustice overwhelm us again. We find our hearts turning away from forgiveness toward bitterness & revenge. Our inability to forgive leads us to see ourselves as spiritual failure. Bitterness is an intense animosity towards another person that erodes our peace of mind & robs us of joy. We need to recover from bitterness because of what it does to us. We need to be healed of our pain, freed from our rage & comforted in our grief so that we can let go & move on in life. But, once bitterness begins to grow, how do we get the process of forgiveness started again? It would be relatively easy if forgiveness were a simple matter of choice. Unfortunately, choosing to forgive is only a small part of what we need. The whole process of forgiveness requires much more than a willingness toforgive.C. S. Lewis put it this way:

We find that the work of forgiveness has to be done over & over again. We, forgive, we mortify our resentment ; a week later some chain of thought carries us back to the original offense & we discover the old resentment blazing away as if nothing had been done about it at all. We need to forgive our brother seventy times seven not only for 490 offenses but for one offence. Clearly, forgiveness isn't some kind of magical incantation that we can use to make our pain disappear. Forgiveness is an emotionally costly struggle. It's, however an important struggle because it's part of the struggle to live in solidarity w/God & his Kingdom. So struggle to forgive is the struggle in whom we ourselves find forgiveness. If you have ever tried to forgive someone & became struggle because you were unable to do so, these studies are intended for you.