Desperate...

Desperate, desperate
You're reaching out
And no one hears you cry
You're freaking out again
'Cause all your fears
Remind you another dream has come undone
You feel so small and lost like you're the only one
You wanna scream 'cause you're
Desperate

You want somebody, just anybody
To lay their hands on your soul tonight
You want a reason to keep believin'
That someday you're gonna see the light

You're in the dark
There's no one left to call
And sleep's your only friend
but even sleep
Can't hide you from all those tears
And all the pain and all the days
You wasted pushin' them away
It's your life, it's time you face it

You want somebody, just anybody
To lay their hands to your soul tonight
You want a reason to keep believin'
That someday you're gonna see the light
'Cause you're desperate; desperate
'Cause you're desperate; and now

You know that things have gotta change
You can't go back you'll find your way
And day by day
You start to come alive

You want somebody, just anybody
To bring some peace on your soul tonight
You want a reason to keep believin'
That someday you're gonna see the light
You want somebody, just anybody
To lay their hands on your soul tonight
You want a reason to keep believin'
That someday you're gonna see the light
'Cause you're desperate, desperate
'Cause you're desperate, tonight
Oh desperate, so desperate
Tonight, tonight
Desperate, desperate

Oil Pulling...May have found my cure

Its been almost 2 years since cancer is part of my life. And I have accepted it well with no regret and complaint because I know its His way of cleansing my sins. As what Allah has said in Surah Al Baqarah

Baqarah, 2: 286)

On no soul does Allah Place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns, and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray:) “Our Lord! Condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden Like that which You did lay on those before us; Our Lord! Lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins, and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Protector; Help us against those who stand against faith.

Anyone suffering from illness should remain patient, for there is no reward better or more enriching than that reserved for those endure in patience. I guess because of my patience in accepting my condition, Allah has sent people who knows alternative cure.

Just the other, one of my colleague called me at my extension. She told me to try this supplement call Transfer Factor. That's very sweet of her .

And today I attended a meeting at RTM and when Mr Krishna asked me to why I have to use the cane, i had to tell him of my condition.He said "why not try alternative?" and I told him, I am looking for a good one so he said he will take me to Klang to this Ayurveda center. It seems that this guy is really good and he has been a client to this guy for the past 10 years and everytime he recommended to friends, they're always satisfied with the treatments.

And he also told me about this treatment call OP or Oil Pulling. He asked me to read about OP on the internet and this is what I found:

Oil Pulling is a safe, simple, cheap and gentle ‘do it yourself home remedy’ that cures and prevents diseases and extends your healthy life.

It involves rinsing the mouth with 1 tablespoon (10ml) of oil for 15 to 20 minutes and spitting it out. You can use either sunflower oil or sesame oil, both of which are usually used for cooking and readily available in the home.

This simple therapy is completely harmless as you do not take any medicines - even the oil you use is spit out after OP. By helping the body get rid of toxins that have accumulated, Oil Pulling promotes self healing from within.

Oil Pulling has been mentioned in the ancient texts of Ayurveda. A similar process was also published at a conference of the “All Ukrainische Union, “of the oncologists (Specialists for tumor diseases) and bacteriologists, by Dr.med. Karach. Over the years, this simple therapy helped cure diseases of thousands of people around the world.

I have always like Indian customs and i spent quiet often at Little India at Klang. I like all the herbs and spices...and i cant wait to try the Ayurveda treatment and also the OP. To those who read this post, spread around about the OP

PATIENCE

Found this article on my FB homepage and like to share it. I hope its OK for me to post it here as anything regards to religion, the Copyright belongs to Allah and He definitely wants His servant to past it around. Its another interesting story about patience.

Allaah has made patience like a horse that never gets tired, an army that can never be defeated and a strong fortress that can never be breached. Patience and victory are twin brothers, for victory comes with patience, relief comes wit...h distress and ease comes with hardship. Patience is of more help to the one who has it than men, as it helps without any need for equipment or numbers and its relationship to victory is like that of the head to the body.

In the Qur’aan, Allaah has guaranteed those who are patient that He will give them reward without measure.

Allaah tells us that He loves those who are patient, and that is the greatest encouragement. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And Allaah loves As-Saabiroon (the patient)” [Aal ‘Imraan 3:146]

Patience is the foundation of the believer’s faith which has no other foundation. The one who has no patience has no faith, and if he has any, then it is only a little faith and it is very weak, and such a person worships Allaah as it were upon the edge (i.e. in doubt): if good befalls him, he is content therewith; but if a trial befalls him he turns back on his face (i.e. reverts to disbelief after embracing Islam). He loses both this world and the Hereafter (cf. al-Hajj 22:11). All he gets from them is a losing deal.

Allaah states that the victory of attaining Paradise and being saved from Hell will be won only by those who are patient, as He says (interpretation of the meaning): “Verily, I have rewarded them this Day for their patience; they are indeed the ones that are successful”
[al-Mu’minoon 23:111]

The best life is attained by the blessed through patience, and they rise to the highest degrees through their gratitude. So they fly on the wings of patience and gratitude to gardens of delight (i.e., Paradise). That is the bounty of Allaah that He bestows upon whomsoever He will, and Allaah is the Owner of Great Bounty. End quote from ‘Uddat al-Saabireen by Ibn al-Qayyim, p. 3-5.

The Search Of Inner Peace- PATIENCE

Allah says: "...Only those who are patient shall receive their rewards in full, without reckoning." [Surah Az-Zumar: 10]
Surah 23 Al Mumenoon (the believers) Ayah 62. On no soul do We place a burden greater than it can bear: before Us is a record which clearly shows the truth: they will never be wronged. Wala nukallifu nafsan illa wusAAaha waladayna kitabun yantiqu bialhaqqi wahum la yuthlamoona

Woooo...Ssshhhhaaaa!!!!!!

Having maid is more problematic than not having one. I have asked my ex husband to send her back. She is the worst maid out of 5 maids I have. Recently I was on a medical leave for 1 month + and gosh! All she did was sleep or lie down on the floor of the ironing room playing with her SMS. My next door neighbour's remark just last week was "Ellie! what did you feed your maid..she is getting soooooo fat like a hippo?". She spoiled my front loading washing machine, iron, broke my toilet bowl , the sink in the guest bathroom collapsed..what else..? Oh unbelievable my Wok aka KUALI which I had for a long long time since my late mom was still alive. My niece told me last weekend "Auntie G...where did u get all the patience from? How could u just let her go off the hook?"
Well frankly speaking, there were time when I really felt like whacking her bloody head with my walking stick but I told myself "She is just not worth having my heart blacken". After i told her many many times but its like she is annoying me on purpose. Just tell myself, I am in no position to punish anyone. The One up there is always watching..and I mean 24/7 and not a single blink. He doesn't miss out a single second.
At a certain junctures of our lives, we will encounter challenging circumstances or people. We can either our dilemmas with anger, bitterness or frustration. Or we can look deep within and find the source that is beyond circumstances and then pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and move forward knowing all things will work in our favour. If on any given day, negative drama surrounds us, hang on to our own positive attitude and don't let other people to drag us down.

This Journal Is Dedicated to all the Innocent Souls including Baby Tes

The first email I received this morning was from my sis. The moment I saw the pictures in this email, i can feel like a knife ripping my heart and my tears just kept rolling down my cheeks. Even an animal knows how to care it's babies. Sometimes when I see this kind of pictures I always wonder what was running in their sick mind. I have a daughter and a son..everyday I would pray to Allah to protect them and as many other kids from such sick bastards.

Even to those who dumped babies in dumpsters, i mean why wait till the babies are born? Why not abort it at an early stage. I mean not that i agree with abortion but rather than wait for the innocent lives are born and just simply dump the babies like its some kind of rubbish. For God sake!
Here is the picture that comes with the email i received this morning. This was Varsha who went missing on UPSR day and was killed brutally.

Am I having Gamophobia?

What I have is called GAMOPHOBIA? What is "gamophobia?". Mr Wiki definition is The abnormal possibility which is extremely possible of the fear of, wait, oh yeah, the abnormal possibility which is extremely possible of the fear of the fear of the fear of the fear of the fear of the fear of marriage.
This morning one of my cousin buzzed me on FB and we chatted for awhile. Then he told me that he feels like going to an Island with the wife without his kids. I asked if its their 2nd honeymoon and he said hopefully because "the love meter is running on a low fuel".
Then today my "God brother" visited me after office hour and he decided to join me for my "Iftar" (Breaking fast). In the car I asked him about the girl in his FB and he said there's nothing going on between him and that girl. During dinner, suddenly he said "Sis, i am actually afraid of getting married." I asked him why and he said he hasn't found a girl that when he's face to face with her, he feels this kinda electricity.
Well frankly speaking I have the same problem.... I am having "GAMOPHOBIA".And I get kinda pressured when people asked me "So when is the D day?"...My answer is always "Aaarrr...emmm..arrr..."then start scratching my head. I kept pushing month to month until I found the time when this fear of marriage disappears.
I guess because during the period of dating and a few years of marriage, you think you are in real love with your partner. You think you are made for each other, and you are the perfect couple in the world. After a few years have gone by, you may have children by then you become more responsible and sensible. Nevertheless, something is missing...yes the spark of love has disappeared.
The world today indicate that there are more people getting divorced, getting cheated on and breaking ups than they are happy couples that are in love and stay in love. Well I hope I can get over my "Gamophobia" someday..maybe someday..
Well I know one guy who actually knows the meaning of true love and really shows it..and that's my ex boyfriend. He just got married and the way he treats his wife...all i can say is that "She is one hell of a lucky woman". Though he used to be my boyfriend and now we are Xs..I amtruly happy for him and his wife. And I know he is one guy who will love and treat his wife like a princess and light of his life. I remember the time he and I were a couple...well that's history now...

Im So Proud Of My Brother, Norman@Ted

Today my one of my Facebook friend text me and said "Ellie..your brother today is in Star paper!" So I asked her which brother coz I have 5..so she said the Chef. So I click Star Online and there he is...so to my brother Ted (thats what we family call him), Im so proud of you, have been and always be proud of you. I'm sure our late mom will be smiling knowing how much you have changed and succeed in life.

Perfectionist chef

By ZIEMAN

CHEF Norman Zaid wants everything to be perfect in his kitchen. He wants his food to be good as it looks and to have a good effect on his customers.

It's not just what's in it that counts, but what's not. According to this 35-year-old chef, he knows exactly what’s inside anything that he puts in his mouth.

If he has it his way, vegetables touched by pesticides, rice processed with bleaches or anything with MSG will not find their way into his kitchen.

What does have a place in his kitchen at the Kitchen Creatures restaurant, in Centrepoint, Bandar Utama, is distinct Western and Italian cooking which is deeply flavourful.

The restaurant is packed daily during lunch, mostly with regulars who come to taste Norman’s special Spaghetti Aglio-Olio with shrimp and mushroom, a specially-flavoured soup, pastas and pizzas. Most of his customers are stunned by the textures, tastes and freshness of the food.

Norman, who was trained under renowned chef Ricky Palanti, says practice makes perfect and this is what he expects his team of six to do in the kitchen.

"I get very disappointed when I find out my staff have not followed the exact ingredients or substitute it with something else or worst of all, omit it totally. Somehow, I can tell what's missing or has been used in excess," said Norman who plans to open his own restaurant before the end of the year.

As a young boy, Norman enjoyed messing around in the kitchen, helping his late mother, Mariam Ali prepare meals for their big family. Norman has seven siblings and he is the second last.

"My late mum used to cook three to four dishes a day in a jiffy and she can complete her task within one hour. Looking back, I'm still amazed at how fast she could do all the chores in such a short time," said Norman who admits having no chemistry working in an office environment.

After all those years helping his mother, the image of him in the kitchen stuck in his head and he went ahead to pursue his dream to become a chef.

Norman has worked in every part of the kitchen. He remembers fondly how he ended up working in Delifrance during the early days in 1995. From there, he moved on to work in the pastry department at the Hilton KL for the next two years.

Somehow, Norman knew it was going to be a difficult journey to become a trained chef but he never once gave up.

"All along, the desire of wanting to have the whole kitchen to myself was so great. I finally got my chance after working my way up," said Norman who blames his profession for still being single.

Despite being deprived of a love life, Norman said labouring in the kitchen for long hours under the tutelage of master Chef Ricky Palanti was more fulfilling somehow.

This ex-chef of Carcosa Seri Negara and Shangri-La followed Palanti almost everywhere for the next 10 years until Palanti opened his own restaurant, the Mango Tree.

In fact, Norman owes it to Palanti for all his training and shaping him to be what he is today.

"They say if you can survive working with the regimented and difficult Palanti, you can survive anywhere. I agree full-heartedly. It is not easy working with Palanti. He trained me the hard way and after many years under him, the reward now shows," said Norman who has mastered the Western and Italian cuisine.

According to Norman, he has always aspired to be a chef. Nothing that his parents or friends said changed his mind.

"Wanting to be a chef was my ultimate goal in life. I did not go for any formal education but my passion guided me to make the best choice in this career," said the local-born who still appreciates the good, old-fashioned cooking of his father.

"You may not have the formal training but with great passion, you can achieve your dream. It was a long process to reach where I am now but I never regretted it," said Norman who has 13 years of experience.

Norman admits that the competition to be the best in this line is rather stiff.

"Every chef has his or her own speciality. It's fine with me. The cake is big enough for everyone to share it," said Norman.

Here's Norman's Spaghetti Aglio-Olio with Shrimp and Mushroom.

Redha is a Virtue

Today is my first day without my car. I have decided to let go of my car which has been serving me for the past 5 years without giving me a single problem. Papa was really sad when I told him about me having to let go the car. He told me with tears in his eyes, "Allah has tested you so much Girl, with your cancer and things that happen in your life". I smiled at papa and told him " That's because Allah is so Merciful. He doesn't want me to go home to Him with still full of sins papa, and I have accepted all His test with an open heart.
Allah has revealed in His Quran, that He will test the Muslims in various ways until the end of their lives. But there is one important secret the believers need to know : If someone encounters difficulty or something hard for them to deal with, that means Allah has also given them strength to overcome the matters and succeed the test.
I also told papa " If we dedicate and submit our lives to Allah, we must have trust in Allah and calm in facing the difficulty. I have never regretted my life and the thing I go through in life. Not a single bit of my life. Despite being a sexual abused child when I was 7-12, now my bone cancer and today having to finally let go my car, I still feel so bless because the PEACE which Allah has put in my heart, not a single soul can take it away and no amount of money can buy it.
My eldest brother who has been so supportive and has always been there for me gave me these 2 ayat yesterday. Its from Surah Al- Hadiid (IRON) ayat 22-23 which means:
22. No calamity befalls on the earth or in yourself but is inscribed in the Book of Decrees(Lahuz Mafuz) before We bring it into existence. Verily, that is easy for Allah. ( Tidak ada sesuatu kesusahan atau bala bencana yang ditimpakan di bumi dan tidak juga yang menimpa diri kamu, melainkan telah sedia ada dalam Kitab (Lahuz Mafuz)sebelum Kami menjadikannya, sesungguhnya mengadakan yang demikian adalah mudah bagi Allah.

23. In order for you not to be sad over matters that you fail to get, nor rejoice because of that of which has been given to you. And Allah likes not prideful boasters. ( Kamu diberitahu tentang itu - supaya kamu tidak bersedih hati akan apa yang telah luput daripada kamu, dan tidak pula bergembira (secara sombong dan bangga) dengan apa yang diberikan kepada kamu. Dan ingatlah, Allah tidak suka kepada tiap-tiap orang yang sombong takbur, lagi membanggakan diri)

This is a very beautiful Surah (in fact all the surah in the Quran are so beautiful and touchy..it will make one shed tears when read the translation) which is call Surah Al Hadiid (IRON). This particular surah is teaching the Muslims to be strong in their IMAN and to submit fully to Allah:

Why We Must Learn To Forgive

Everyone of us is hurt from time to time. Sometimes we are hurt intentionally by others and sometimes unintentionally. Some hurts are little and within a short time we forget about them. What I want to talk about are the times when we are hurt and time doesn’t seem to bring healing. Every time we think of the person who hurt us, the pain and anger wells up inside again. Most people do not know what to do and continue to live with the pain, which often gets worse with time. I believe that there are two things Allah wants us to do when we are hurt. If we do these two things, God will bring healing into our life.
The first thing to do when we are hurt is the simplest, but often overlooked. Simply pray and ask for God to help us. There is great power in prayer.

The second thing to do when we are hurt is more difficult, it does not come naturally. When we are hurt, God wants to teach us to forgive the person who hurt us. Many people have trouble with forgiveness, they think that forgiveness is letting the other person off the hook. Forgiveness is really about letting you off the hook, the hook of unforgiveness.
What is forgiveness? Forgiveness is simply yielding our right to get even with the person who hurt us. It is not saying that what they did was right, it is not saying that Allah will let them off the hook. It is giving up on revenge and praying for them. How can we forgive when the hurt is great? We can forgive as you remember that Allah has forgiven us We can forgive when we acknowledge that Allah is in control. Nothing that anyone will ever do to us can thwart God’s plan for our life. Allah is able to take even the worst of the hurts and turn it around for good for those who love God.
We’ve all been hurt in our lives by other people,may have been by our parents, by friends, by relatives, by employers or by our spouse. Often-times the deepest hurts are by those we are closest too. The ones we really want to love us the most sometimes hurt us the worst.
We’re all going to get hurt by people, we don’t have a choice in that. Our choice is how to respond to those who hurt us. Forgiveness opens the door to living in freedom. Our forgiveness of others releases God’s forgiveness toward us.
Forgive, even when it’s hard. Why must we forgive when it’s difficult, because Allah forgave us all the time when asked for forgiveness.

Al Fatihah to Tuan Alwee

Al Fatihah
Alwee Ab Ghani
9 July 1957 - 6 June 2010

Innalillahiwainnailaihi raji'un... 3hours ago, my closest client who was not only a client but a very close friend and also like a brother to me, Supt. Alwee AB Ghani from Bukit Aman passed away after 2 and half months of being critically ill. Just last week when he asked Tuan Syed of IPK Selangor to take him for Chicken Rice at Shah Alam. Despite being sick, he asked Tuan Syed of my condition and Tuan Syed had informed him about my operation and my stubbornness. Right after my operation, Tuan Syed told him I had crab and prawn on the same day of the operation and just after my discharged from the hospital, i drove my car to Sunway. Tuan Alwee despite his condition at that time, was pretty much angry and told Tuan Syed to come with me to his house.

Above pictures were taken 21 days before Arwah passed away

5 years Ive known Tuan Alwee, he was a strict man when it comes to work and duty. Towards the last 6 months of his life, he gave me more advice and always talked about his family and had spent more time with his family. He promised me that he would attend my wedding but I guess we can only plan but everything is up to the Almighty.





So this journal is specially dedicated to my client/friend/big brother SUPT ALWEE AB GHANI who was and will always be dear to me. Will miss you Tuan. Al- Fatihah.

Tuan Alwee has always been proud of his parents. Always advised me to always take good care of my dad.

Celebrating his 26th Wedding Anniversary .

Quote from Tuan Alwee that came with this picture : [Seronoks tengok gamba2 vacation wit fam + ank2buah di Bandung 9-12 Jan 2010. kepada semua amek ar kesempatan masa yg ade nih vacation wit fam + adk bradek + ank2buah. U wont regret !!!!].

Alwee A. Ghani
Thanx isteri ku, along, alang, wanie + Qilah and Nuar, nana & ayien for a wonderful time together2. Tis is jez a beginning. meh arrr mklong + fam, mklang + fam, pkder + fam, pkteh + fam & Ucu + fam..next trip ehhh. really looking 4wrd !!!!
January 15 at 12:36am
Alwee A. Ghani
masa nih dia org smo x nyempat2 nk turun nk pijak bumi Bdg. Ktorg relax jerr...well U know me cool as cucumber kan kan kan
January 15 at 2:27pm ·
Despite his busy schedule, he never neglected his family

Quote and comment came with this picture:
Alwee A. Ghani
jez love de views...
December 2, 2009 at 11:34am
Elina Ariffin:
yeap..remember sadiq and me snap pic membelakang this view...heheheeh
December 2, 2009 at 12:37pm
Alwee A. Ghani:
huhuhu amek gmba x pe jgn terjun udah lerr..level 29 tuh ateh bukit lg..x sempat nk mngucaps ooooo..kan Mya
December 2, 2009 at 10:17pm ·

Quote from Tuan Alwee that came with this picture: [Kesihatan yg baik makes all things possible, kekayaan / kemewahan makes all things work & LOVE makes all things BEAUTIFUL. Smoga U all have them all.. Good luck & al de best in 2010..

Was taken 2 and half months back after biopsy

Discharged after 10days of being hospitalised at PPUM. Quote that came with this picture from Tuan Alwee :[bosa hati dan terharu semua adk bradeks dr JB & Cheras, Ampg + Klang dtg lawat aku yg sakeet nih. Ko org sbonanyer ubat paling mujarabs. TQ so much semoga kita dpt jumpa lagiiiii..insyallah]

Was taken on 15th May 2010 (21 days before passed away)

Was taken on 16th May 2010 (20 days before passed away)

The Message Allah has Sent To Me

The past one week, I dunno why the name of this particular Surah in the Quran kept playing in my mind. Everyday and every minute. Then from every hour, it went to every minute and then every seconds. So i decided to take my translation Quran and go thru the meaning of each ayat in that surah. I realised then why it suddenly came to my mind. Allah was sending a message to me. My whole body trembled when I read the meaning. Masha Allah..its beautiful. Jazakh-Allah Khair. I hope whoever reads this entry will watch both of these videos till the end. Before I post this video, I kept watching them again and again. And each time I watched them, I cried and have this tingling running through my spine. No wonder Allah kept playing the name of this Surah in my mind until I opened the translation and looked into it. Subhanallah..

Have Faith In Allah And Everything will be Fine

I just have the urge to write this topic because I have failed as a good muslimah and also help people that i care most to see how Allah works in our lives and what he has commanded us to do. Hopefully and maybe they might bump into my journal and in directly I can send the message across. I am still struggling to better myself to be a better muslimah which I still need to work really hard on it because I am NO angel myself, in fact I am a devil myself trying to change to be a good Muslimah but it's really tough and as long as I believe Allah is merciful and Most Forgiving, I know He will help me. I can only pray for Allah to shine some lights in our hearts just I see some acquaintances that are married flirt with different men at one time and some have sex with different men when they have husbands and as their acquaintance I wish I can tell them ITS WRONG but somehow I just couldn't open my mouth because like I said I am no Angel myself though I don't sleep around but in my life I have committed other sins. And i also see how some friends got into anxiety because they have unnecessary worries on their mind. They worried about money, worried about going to be poor someday and other things related to "dunia" but never about the preparation for the Hereafter. The iman became low when they are tested and when they can't get enough with what Allah has bestowed upon them.

Our heart pounds before a presentation or a big exam. We get butterflies before a blind date. We worry and fret over family problems and constantly worry about money and future which is still a mystery.And the worries and fears are preventing us from living our life the way we'd like to, we may be suffering from an anxiety disorder. It’s normal to worry and feel tense or scared when under pressure or facing a stressful situation. Anxiety is the body’s natural response to danger, an automatic alarm that goes off when we feel threatened.

But then, most of us get so distressed with the things related to "dunia"(worldly stuffs). But why? Why the worldly stuff so important to most people? Is this something between Hell and Heaven? People forgot to ask themselves these things.."
1. if i chase the worldly stuffs, would that gain me rewards or would i gain Allah's love and pleasure? Why didn't I have full trust and conviction in Allah? Ive done my best and the rest is up to Allah. Why do I get so distresses about something of this dunia?
2. Did I ever act this way regarding my prayer?
3. Did I act this way to the fact that I didn't wear a proper Hijab?
4. Did I act this way because I didn't honor my parents enough?
5. Did I ever get this distressed because I don't have enough knowledge about Islam?
I was reading this book called Ideal Muslimah and the very first statement of the book was :
“ The Believing Woman is Alert
One of the most prominent distinguishing features of the Muslim woman is her deep faith in Allah (SWT), and her sincere conviction that whatever happens in this universe, and whatever fate befalls human beings, only happens through the will and decree of Allah (SWT); whatever befalls a person could not have been avoided, and whatever does not happen to a person could not have been made to happen. A person has no choice in this life but to strive towards the right path and to do good deeds - acts of worship and other acts - by whatever means one can, putting all his trust in Allah (SWT), submitting to His will, and believing that he is always in need of Allah's (SWT) help and support.”
Why would our iman get so low and often people get so distressed and impatient for the things in this dunia. Why don't us all have the patience as Allah has commanded us to have? Remember if we do something for the pleasure of Allah, Allah will take care of us. That's for sure. People always got themselves into trouble and difficult situations because of dunia. We should strive our best in worshiping Allah according to Quran and the authentic Sunnah. It's really sad that some of my friends told me that, I believe in Quran only and NOT the hadith. God have mercy on them. The thing is...believing in Quran and NOT practicing it, I guess it defeats the purpose too.
Day by day, i try to better myself and hope one day if Allah permits, I will get married and when that happen, I hope my husband then will be my IMAM in all my 5 times prayer. I really wish for that moment. “ Islam should not revolve around your life, your life should revolve around Islam. “

A Dua For You & Me

You never know when Allah(SWT) is going to bless you. Good things happen when u least expect them to.

Oh Allah, I thank You for this day. I thank You for my being able to see and to hear this morning. I'm blessed because You are forgiving, Allah and understanding, Allah. You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me. Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to You. I ask now for Your
forgiveness. Please keep me safe from all danger and harm. Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude. Let me make the best of each and every day to clear my mind so that I can hear from You. Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things. Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over. And It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits. Continue to use me to do what You will, Oh Allah Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others. Keep me strong that I may help the weak... Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others. I make duah for those that are lost and can't find their way. I make duah for those that are misjudged and misunderstood. I make duah for those who don't know You . I make duah for those who read this journal of mine. I make duah for those that don't believe. But I thank You that I believe. I believe that Allah (Swt) changes people and Allah (Swt) changes things. I make duah for all my sisters and brothers. For each and every family member in their households. I make duah for peace, love and joy in their homes that they are out of debt and all their needs are met.. make duah that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than our Rabb. Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight. I make duah that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it, Inshallah (Ameen)

Somewhere I have never traveled
Gladly beyond any experience
Your eyes have their silence
And your most frail gesture of things
Which enclose me
But which I cannot touch
Because they are too near.�

The first time I loved forever
Was when you whispered my name
And I knew at once you loved me
For the me of who I am

The first time I loved forever
I cast all else aside
And I bid my heart to follow
Be there no more need to hide

And if wishes and dreams
Are merely for children
And if love's a tale for fools
I'll live the dream with you

Poem:
�oh, if your words be to close me
I, my life will shut, very beautifully
Suddenly, as when the heart of this flower
Imagines the snow carefully, everywhere
descending�.

For all my life and forever
There's a truth I will always know
When my world divides and shatters
Your love is where I'll go

Poem:
�I do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens. Only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses.
Nobody, not even the rain has such small hands.�

Time for Ellie

Maybe it's my hormonal imbalance again that I am feeling like this. I just want to say that I am no longer strong like before.I used to live a hectic life. I was so workaholic and if I am not at work, I was attending to people and their problems. Now I have lost all those strength. Maybe this is God's way of wanting me to slow down in life and pull my horses. Maybe it's his way of telling me to pass the world's problem to Him for I am only His small little weak servant.
Sometimes it get so hard to be strong all the time, sometime I just want to stop worrying about being the stronger person, and just let my weak side show a bit. But most of the time, I just show that i am strong, no matter how I am feeling on the inside. It just gets tiring sometimes. Always having to be strong can be really hard, and really frustrating sometimes. Sometimes I just can't handle it, and want an escape from it all!
Don't get me wrong, I AM a strong person, I know this. And I DON'T mind being the strong one, no I LOVE being the strong one for ppl. But sometimes I feel like "I" need that moment of weakness. To cry on someones shoulder and ask for help. But its a hard thing to ask for when I have NEVER been able to do that before. I want to be strong for everyone else, but I also want to have those moments................
Being strong is something I've always been forced to be, whether I wanted to or not. My teenage life was difficult, and I felt like a lot of times I had to "suck things up," act like the eldest, or deal with everyone else's problems. I had no choice but to be strong. Sometimes though, I wish I had the chance to just crumble down like everyone else does, but I feel this urge that I just can't let that happen, that I have to stay strong and protect everyone, and then I tend to forget about myself. Strength is a great thing but after awhile it's so sickening. I can't always be everyone's rock when I can barely be my own.

Specially To My Beloved Papa With Lots Of Love

I have been wanting to pen down a special journal, tribute to my beloved dad for quite sometime but i can never get the right words to express my gratitude to this very special man whom I call "papa". There is no word in the world best dictionary that can describe him.
It's never been one special thing that my father has done but all the special things he has gone out of his way to do. He has worked days on end in dirty dead end jobs just to put food on the table. I'm sure there were times when he went hungry just to feed us. After working a full day he would come home and spend hours playing with me when I was little. My dad is always quiet and understanding where others would have lost their temper.
He is a man with few words..well I must say ever since mama passed away 14 years ago, he is mostly in his own world making himself closer to the Almighty. Many have asked him, why not marry another? His answer will always be "32". It means that if there is a month that has 32days, then he shall get marry on that day.
At the age of 74, he is still a very strong man and Sundays? Sunday is the day he will cook luxurious for his grown up children. Sunday is always a big feast at home. I simple have to thank the Almighty for giving me the best mom and dad anyone could ever asked for. So here is something for my beloved papa

What Makes A Dad
God took the strength of a mountain
The Majesty of a tree
The warmth of the summer sun
The calm of the quiet sea
The generous soul of nature
The comforting arm of night
The wisdom of ages
The Power of the eagle's flight
The joy of the morning spring
The faith of the mustard seed
The patience of eternity
The depth of the family need
Then God combined these qualities
when there was nothing more to add
He knew His masterpiece was complete
And so,
He called it....DAD

To My Qel....LOL!

One night, Ellie was fondly thinking of her fiance Qel. His birthday was coming up and she wanted to do something extra special for him. So, she decided to ask God for help.
Ellie called out "God?"

God replied "Yes, my dear Ellie?"

Ellie asked : I think that my boyfriend, Qel , is the most wonderful man. He makes me so very very happy. God I want to do the same for him. Change me into the woman that Qel will think is the most beautiful, the most kind, the most affectionate and the most loving."

God asked "Are u you SURE that's what you want?"

Ellie replied "Yes. Yes, I am sure".

God answered "Very well Ellie, go to sleep and rest, for when you wake up tomorrow morning you will have your wish".

Ellie was very excited, but eventually she fell into deep deep sleep. When she awoke the next morning, she remembered the promise God made to her. She prang out of bed and ran to the mirror to see what she looked like. What she saw was a woman with no make up on and uncombed hair. Ellie recoqnised her. It was the same woman that greeted her at the mirror every morning.
Ellie cried out "God!!"

God replied "Yes my dear Ellie?"
An exasperated Ellie said "You said while I slept, You would change me into a woman of Qel's dream. I woke up this morning, I look EXACTLY the same, I feel EXACTLY the same."

God answered " My dear Ellie, I did not say I would change you into the woman of Qel's dream while you slept. I said, when you awoke, you would have your wish. I didn't take interest in your request just last night. I have been working on that since you were in your mother's womb. I have working on your wish for the last 40 years. I haven't made you into the woman of his dream. Ellie, I have made you into the woman BEYOND his dream....

Hehehehehehe...sorrryyyy sayang! Just a story that made me a lil vain huh?? Love you very very much

To People I Call "Friend"..

A true friend is not necessary be someone who is not blood related to us. This person can be your own family, your other half or can be someone whom you just met on a bus to work. As for me, my truest friend in human form was always my late mom but of course the truest truest friend I have and will always have that will never let me down will have to be the Almighty God. I have only few friends that I really considered "friends" and close friends i think i only need one hand to count..well actually I can count with no extra fingers needed. The rest are just acquaintances. True friends are hard to find but you will know who are your true friends when you are being tested in a clammy situation I must say.

A true friend will be there for you through thick and thin – good times and bad. It isn't too difficult to be friends with someone when life is filled with happiness and peace. It is something altogether different to have a friend who shares in your sadness and stays beside you even when things aren't going well.When strong friendships exist, mutual caring is evident. Doing things for one another, without expecting to have something done in return, is a sign of genuine friendship. So is being thoughtful and listening to friends when they need to open up.

When a friend is going through troubled times, being there to encourage them, even if it's just being a shoulder to cry on or to simply listen, can make all the difference in the world. Even when things are going great, having someone recognize and appreciate your accomplishments can be just as important. With so much emphasis placed on success and accomplishment this in this day and age, having someone to witness your achievements can make even the minor victories meaningful.

Unfortunately, sometimes, loyalty can be tested. We've all had situations where someone we'd consider a true friend has let us down. Friends, even true friends, are still human and because they're human they can make mistakes. Forgiveness is essential in friendships. Accepting a friend even though they may make a mistake shows them that you respect them enough to realize they're human.

No one is perfect. Have you always lived up to your highest potential? Sometimes, we can be the cause of problems that create negative effects for people who were counting on us. Because of this, friendships can be tested. A true friend accepts you, faults and all, though. A genuine friend understands that you make mistakes

Miss Qel after 11 days Qhe took care of me

Its been 11 days since my operation and during that 11 days, Qel took care of me. Today at 9.45am, finally he went back to Kulim to top up stocks at his shop and also Nisha needs him. Today the house seems to be so quiet after he left. During that 11 days I felt like I have a husband for a moment. Also miss his niece Fadi who came to sleep over at my place during his stay. Qel was the first person I saw when I opened my eyes after my operation.
I wish I can thank Qel enough for being with me during the past 11 days and putting up with my cranky mood after the operation. Even though I had a major operation, I have no pantang. Qel just couldn't say a word about how i couldn't sit still after the operation. 1st day after operation I had Ketam, and prawns which my uncle cooked specially for me and spaghetti with huge prawns cooked by my Chef brother, Ted.(people said that's the biggest pantang for patient who undergo operations). On the 4th day i was discharged and same day i started driving my car with the post operation pain I still have. 2nd day I drove Qel to Sunway Pyramid just because I wanted to eat something.
I am glad that Qel find comfortable staying at my house with my dad, kids and niece and even his niece Fadi enjoyed moments sleeping at my house. Oh yesterday Qel helped me to decorate my walking stick because he knew my frustration I am feeling deep inside me just because i felt handicapped having to walk with a walking stick and when we were at Sunway, I was so touched when he hold my hand tight while walking. He wasn't ashamed walking with a girlfriend who uses walking stick and despite knowing she has bone cancer he still loves me.
I guess Allah blesses me with a kind partner and at the same time giving me cancer and the operation i had to go through as a cleanser to my sins.

My mood swing is killing me softly

After i got out of the hospital, i found myself snapping at people, especially at Qel, fighting those mood swings, not wanting to work and a few other things, including just wanting to be left alone. Even when I were at the hospital, I requested not to have visitors from the office except my immediate family members.
Before I was hospitalised recently, my gynecology told me that the level of my hormone was increasing and the heavy bleeding that comes from my uterus were unexplainable. For 2 months, it was like hell for me. The pain and the heavy bleeding , I had to do my blood test twice a week to see my hormone reading and also scanning of my uterus and I had to go through it alone . Yes Qel did the extra prayers so that Allah would take away my suffering but he didn't go through the pain and the mood swing that I had to go through.Until my recent operation to remove my right tube and my left ovary, I am still having my hormonal imbalance.
I am experiencing a roller coaster of emotions such as numbness, disbelief, anger, guilt, sadness, depression, and difficulty concentrating and it got worst after my operation. From the moment I woke up after the operation until now my emotion has been like a roller coaster. Qel came to KL on the day I had my operation and he is still here with me. But after the operation, my heart just felt numb. I became confused to of my own feelings. I got scared when I thought of marriage and I got scared with the thought of having a relationship.
A couple of days ago, I even felt that I want a break in my relationship. I called up my doctor and asked her if this is normal and she told me that its my hormone trying to set back to a normal level but sometimes its gonna take a while. Feel so alone and sad. My niece told me that each time I feel like getting angry, take a deep breath and exhale (repeat it 3 times).
My doctor also told me that most likely its got to do with my cancer. After going through cancer I learn pretty quickly who really cares and will take the time to talk with me It is frustrating when people I love don't understand anything about what I have gone through and are still going through. I have good days and painful days and I can't be expected to live by any schedule.
3 days ago,Qel told me he has trouble to cope with my mood swing lately. I am one year into recovery and keep hoping that it gets better, but the mood swings seem to increase! Combination of self pity, fear, and anger- on the bad days. Tell yourself why you feel that way on the good days, but when the bad days show up no logical thinking helps.
My ex GM told me.."Ellie, do some therapeutic cooking while I am on long medical leave...it will help to heal your hormonal imbalance". I will just do that i guess..