My mood swing is killing me softly

After i got out of the hospital, i found myself snapping at people, especially at Qel, fighting those mood swings, not wanting to work and a few other things, including just wanting to be left alone. Even when I were at the hospital, I requested not to have visitors from the office except my immediate family members.
Before I was hospitalised recently, my gynecology told me that the level of my hormone was increasing and the heavy bleeding that comes from my uterus were unexplainable. For 2 months, it was like hell for me. The pain and the heavy bleeding , I had to do my blood test twice a week to see my hormone reading and also scanning of my uterus and I had to go through it alone . Yes Qel did the extra prayers so that Allah would take away my suffering but he didn't go through the pain and the mood swing that I had to go through.Until my recent operation to remove my right tube and my left ovary, I am still having my hormonal imbalance.
I am experiencing a roller coaster of emotions such as numbness, disbelief, anger, guilt, sadness, depression, and difficulty concentrating and it got worst after my operation. From the moment I woke up after the operation until now my emotion has been like a roller coaster. Qel came to KL on the day I had my operation and he is still here with me. But after the operation, my heart just felt numb. I became confused to of my own feelings. I got scared when I thought of marriage and I got scared with the thought of having a relationship.
A couple of days ago, I even felt that I want a break in my relationship. I called up my doctor and asked her if this is normal and she told me that its my hormone trying to set back to a normal level but sometimes its gonna take a while. Feel so alone and sad. My niece told me that each time I feel like getting angry, take a deep breath and exhale (repeat it 3 times).
My doctor also told me that most likely its got to do with my cancer. After going through cancer I learn pretty quickly who really cares and will take the time to talk with me It is frustrating when people I love don't understand anything about what I have gone through and are still going through. I have good days and painful days and I can't be expected to live by any schedule.
3 days ago,Qel told me he has trouble to cope with my mood swing lately. I am one year into recovery and keep hoping that it gets better, but the mood swings seem to increase! Combination of self pity, fear, and anger- on the bad days. Tell yourself why you feel that way on the good days, but when the bad days show up no logical thinking helps.
My ex GM told me.."Ellie, do some therapeutic cooking while I am on long medical leave...it will help to heal your hormonal imbalance". I will just do that i guess..

My Operation At UMMC-3rd - 7th May 2010

It all started on 3rd May Monday morning at 2 am, when I suddenly felt an uncomfortable sensation on my left leg. It went up to my tummy which turned into an unbearable pain. I felt like being stabbed repeatedly that area that made my whole body shiver. I went to the bathroom and sat on the white marble throne hoping to ease whatever pain inside my tummy. Suddenly when I wanted to get up I just couldn’t do it. I had to call papa to help me get up and lead me to my bed. From that point onwards my condition got even worse.
Seeing the condition his daughter was in, papa tried whatever he could to help ease her discomfort. He put ointment to rub on my tummy to alleviate the pain. He even recited the verses from the Quran in the hope that divine intervention would help me. But the pain persisted.
There was no let up to my suffering. The pain got worse and worse so much so that my whole body cringed to resist the pain. My condition even drove my dad to tears. By 5 o’clock in the morning my condition got so unbearable that I had to seek the help of my ex husband to take me to the nearest clinic. The moment the doctor scanned, he saw a 7 cm cyst in my left ovary. Immediately he gave me a letter to go to the hospital for further treatment.
Papa and my best friend, Nini took me to the Universiti Malaya Medical Centre at about 9 pm the same day. We waited there for over 8 hours before we got to see the doctor, at 5.30am. That was the longest and most painful wait I have ever experienced in my life. I was immediately warded and scheduled for operation when it was also discovered that I had a cyst the size of a 50 cents coin in my right fallopian tube. I text my Human Resource to inform him of my hospitalization and I also requested that I don’t wish to have any visitors from the office due to my complication. It wasn’t just the cyst but it was more than that.
At 9 am on Wednesday, Professor Azmi came to check on me and the moment he put his hand into my v*&%*@, I screamed because of the pain. He instructed the MOs to do an emergency operation on me. He asked me if I would like to have anymore kids in the future because they need to remove some parts of my reproduction organ. My answer was “No..! Go ahead and remove what’s necessary and by 2pm on the same day, they wheeled me into the operation theatre. I was opened up at the same place when I had caesarian section twice before. As the surgeon was about to take out the cyst on the left side, it burst. Another surgeon had to be called to suck out the liquid and the dilapidated cyst away. On the right side of my ovary, the alien growth was removed by surgically removing the whole fallopian tube away.
The whole operation took about four and a half hours. I was wheeled back to my ward at about 6.30 pm still in a state of semi-consciousness. The first person I saw beside my bed when I opened my eyes was my darling Qel. Since I was still overcame by sedation and post-operation discomfort I could not say much. I just wanted to close my eyes and go to sleep. Only with the help of the morphine infused into my blood-stream that I was able to bear the pain, more or less. All that time recovering in bed I wished I don’t have to go through the experience ever again. I have been bleeding since Mid March and have had a few attacks of unbearable pains.

Below are the pictures of me hospitalized and recovering from my operation.

Qel came to visit me after the operation. This was taken on the 2nd day after the operation. Was still attached to the Morphin shots to overcome the post operation pain

My Darling Dad(in lite blue shirt R/hd) who have been with me through out the tortured 2 months I went through the complication. In the picture are also my cousin Razman(standing), my uncle Pak Wan( on the wheel chair) and Pak Wan's maid Nor

My Younger Brother Chef Norman brought me his own cooking, Spaghetti with Creme Sauce. He had to feed me as I was still in pain though I was smiling...

On 2nd day after a major operation, Qel's mom called to advice me not to eat that and this but unfortunately I don't have this pantang thingy in my vocabulary. After operation I had prawns and crab already and i refused to use the Morphin shots as I kept telling Qel, I am a strong chick.