Heard an incoming message at my phone. Head was still buried under my 6 pillows...grabbed my phone and read the message. "Breakfast"??.....can u you accompany me with the kids for breakfast?"..text message from my ex hubby. I just gave a short reply saying "Ok...30mins".
Since I have been throwing up after my radiation treatment, just dont have appetite. Rizal came picked me and ridhwan up..Sarah still didnt want to go but Rizal forced her to tag along. Had breakfast at Papa Rich Kopitiam because i felt like having something soupy.
After breakfast, Rizal dropped me at my house and took the kids for a swim at his place. I took my car and went to Nini's place. Fahmy and Tokwan Gaban arrived from Penang this mornintg at 4am and put up at nini's place. The moment i walked into Nini's house, saw Tokwan and he looked at me with that look that tells me he knows about Q and me( told myself..that's it, Im so gonna get it from them). And the moment I walked into the kitchen, Fahmy said "Ahhh meh duk sini..nak kena Q & A..Ma(nini) dah cerita kat aku semua pasai hg n Q"...
Shida (nini's sister) asked me to rest because I looked so pale and my eyes looked terrible due to the radiation therapy . But then again, I reminded her not to treat me like a sick person. The whole time, they were teasing me about my relationship. We were so loud and we really had a good time.
At 2pm, Nini, Fahmy, Tokwan, Tiara and me went to Mili's house for late lunch. Finally...I finally went to their house. Had a good lunch. Ain cooked us Ikan bakar, BBQ chicken(i think) and the air asam is superb. Love Ain's cooking.

Critism Cant Hurt You

I just have to write this topic today for the benefit of MYSELF and those who care to better themselves . Some of the stories in this journal like about Abraham Lincoln and Eleanor Roosevelt are taken from the books i have read. Reading and understanding always make you a better person. In surah Al'-Alaq started with the word "READ". But reading and not understanding will only create problems.
At one time, criticism made by others, really bothered me right to the root of my heart. But then I remember Umar Khattab once said, the best person to make you a better person is your closest enemy. The criticism given by your closest enemy actually makes you a better person..and while they are busy finding ways to hurt you with their critics and words, you will be busy bettering your self. For that I will have to say THANK YOU.
Off late, I have been berated and insulted, and denounced as mentally ill bitch, pig etc etc....I have been called every possible combination of unprintable cuss words in Bahasa Malaysia language. Bother me? Huh! When I hear somebody cussing me now, I never turn my head to see who is talking." Most of us take the little jibes and javelins that are hurled at us far too seriously.
If I am lied about, ridiculed, double-crossed, knifed in the back, and sold down the river by one out of every six of my most intimate friends- let's not indulge in an orgy or self pity. Instead, lets remind ourselves that's precisely happen to one of the prophet...Nabi Isa(pbuh) and also Prophet Muhamad s.a.w(pbuh). So why should I expect a better score?
I discovered lately that although I couldnt keep people from crtisizing me unjustly, I could do something infinitely important: I COULD DETERMINED WHETHER I WOULD LET THE UNJUST CONDEMNATION DISTURB ME. I am not advocating ignoring all criticism la kan. Far from it. I am just talking about ignoring UNJUST CRITICISM.
Ok this part is taken from a book I read once. About Eleanor Roosevelt and how she handled unjust criticism.(ni ada kang someone kata I am mentally ill lagi..hehehe) And only Allah knows how she had a lot of unjust criticism. She probably had more ardent friends and more violent enemies than any other woman who ever lived in the white house. When she was young, she was morbidly shy, afraid of what people might say. She was sooo afraid of criticism that one day she asked her aunt....Theodore Roosevelt's sister for advice. She said something like " Auntie Bye, I want to do so and so. But I am afraid of being criticized".
Teddy Roosevelt's sister looked into the eye and said "NEVER BE BOTHERED BY WHAT PEOPLE SAY, AS LONG AS YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART YOU ARE RIGHT"..the advice bit of advice provoke to be her Rock Of Gibraltar years later.
The only way we can avoid criticism is to be like a Dresden-chine figure and stay on the shelf. " Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. yOU'LL be 'Damned if you do' and damned if you don't"
Abraham Lincoln might have broken under the strain of the Civil war if he hadn't learned the folly of trying to answer to all the vitriolic condemnations hurled at him, He description of how he handled his critics has become a literary gem...his headquarters desk during the war and Winston Churchill had a framed copy of it on his walls of his study...(I like this very much) It goes like this " If I were try to read, much less to answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business. I do the very best I know how....the very best I can and I mean to keep on doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, then what is said against me WONT MATTER. If the end brings me out wrong, then 10 angels swearing I was right would make so difference.

Remember this quote :
DO THE BEST YOU CAN; AND PUT UP YOUR OLD UMBRELLA AND KEEP THE RAIN OF CRITICISM FROM RUNNING DOWN THE BACK OF YOUR NECK

Day 2 (22/10/09)

The whole of last night I couldn't sleep. The throat was feeling really dry and i was throwing up so bad that my tummy hurt. But the doctor told me that I will face all this after radiation therapy. Today my best friend decided to take leave to be with me during my radiation treatment. Since this is already 2nd day of the treatment, I am braver than yesterday and knowing my best friend Nini is always gonna be there with me, I imagined going for the radiation is like going for a SPA.
Oh cute practical doctors were around too..lol! Nini said,http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=5503574444178363699 Ellie, remember Qel? I said of course, he is right here with my hand putting at my chest where my heart is.I was just trying to get rid of my nervousness of going thru the treatment again when I told Nini " There are cute practical doctors...lol". I even told Dr M, "Cute practical doctors made me feel like as if I am at a SPA in the Garden of Zeus". He said "Yeah keep that imagination and make sure you have removed all the STUDs on your body". Again having to lay my body on that big metal bed that made me feel like being bedah in the bilik mayat la. Just when Dr M said ok no movement, thats the time la i feel like scratching my armpit, my leg la and my temple la...lol!
After the treatment decided to rest at Nini's place. I felt tired and my voice sounded sexy..and my throat felt like being sliced. Nini asked me to rest at the guess room while she and her sister Shida cooked lunch. The lunch was good and really love the telor masak lemak, ikan masin goreng and kucai goreng with garlic. Just when i thought I can enjoy my lunch when suddenly I felt the food was going up and down in my tummy. Unfortunately the didnt last long enough to be digested. Threw up everything...so Nini told me to take a nap....was feeling kinda weak but keep telling myself "Im strong"..
I decided to update my blog...when i saw this comment. I was dumbfounded at first but then when Nini read it, she said Ellie, just don't bother. Look at it this way, no one can hurt you because you are not the one who keep finding ways to hurt others but some people has nothing better to do in their lives and they are so bitter that all they can think is spending their time to crack their head to find ways to hurt you when you have moved on with your life. And Nini told me that whoever wrote that just need to grow up and get a life.
Thought of what Nini said made me smile. Its true, because the nasty comment was for the journal below. Yes the story titled "God Replied was from an email I received 10 years ago which I keep til today because it has a reminder which i use it for myself whenever I fall. Well like Qel said, "If you read the 'devine dialogue', in metaphorical sense there are insight that can be of benefit to you".
Allah gives the very best to those who leaves the choice to Himeditdelete

10 months ago

Yesterday while doing my solat Isyak, during my last sujud i was sobbing crying asking God few questions. This is the first time that Allah tested me to the maximum of my abilty not beyond but its to the maximum. During this test Allah has answered all my questions that i asked last nite during my prayer at 3.00am. Beside all the question aswered as below verses in the Quran i received from an email, Allah has also shown me who are my trues friends, friends that are really there for me during this hardship im going thru..and who are just friends that will be there with you during your good times only. Anyway below are the verses from the Quran that i suddenly received in my email and surprised that these are the questions i asked Allah yesterday which no one knows. Allah speaks to you in many ways

KITA BERTANYA : KENAPA AKU DIUJI?
AL-QURAN MENJAWAB
"Apakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan saja mengatakan;
"Kamitelahberiman," sedangkan mereka tidak diuji? Dan sesungguhnya Kami telah menguji orang-orang yang sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui orang-orang yangmbenar dan sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui orang-orang yang dusta." -Surah Al-Ankabut ayat 2-3
KITA BERTANYA : KENAPA AKU TIDAK DAPAT APA YANG AKU IDAM-IDAMKAN? AL-QURAN MENJAWAB
"Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu, Allah mengetahui sedang kamutidak mengetahui."
Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 216

KITA BERTANYA : KENAPA UJIAN SEBERAT INI?
AL-QURAN MENJAWAB
"Allah tidak membebani seseorang itu melainkan sesuai dengan
kesanggupannya."
Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 286

KITA BERTANYA : KENAPA RASA KECEWA?
AL-QURAN MENJAWAB
"Janganlah kamu bersikap lemah, dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati,
padahal kamulah orang-orang yang paling tinggi darjatnya, jika kamu orang-orang yang
beriman."
Surah Al-Imran ayat 139

KITA BERTANYA : BAGAIMANA HARUS AKU MENGHADAPINYA? AL-QURAN
MENJAWAB
" Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Bersabarlah kamu (menghadapi segala
kesukaran
dalam mengerjakan perkara-perkara yang berkebajikan), dan kuatkanlah
kesabaran kamu
lebih daripada kesabaran musuh, di medan perjuangan), dan bersedialah (dengan
kekuatan pertahanan di daerah-daerah sempadan) serta bertaqwalah kamu
kepada Allah,
supaya kamu berjaya (mencapai kemenangan)."

KITA BERTANYA : BAGAIMANA HARUS AKU MENGHADAPINYA? AL-QURAN
MENJAWAB
"Dan mintalah pertolongan (kepada Allah) dengan jalan sabar dan
mengerjakan sembahyang; dan sesungguhnya sembahyang itu amatlah berat kecuali kepada
orang-orang yang khusyuk"
Surah Al-Baqarah ayat 45

KITA BERTANYA : APA YANG AKU DAPAT DARIPADA SEMUA NI?
AL-QURAN MENJAWAB
"Sesungguhnya Allah telah membeli dari orang-orang mukmin, diri, harta
mereka dengan memberikan syurga untuk mereka...... "
Surah At-Taubah ayat 111

KITA BERTANYA : KEPADA SIAPA AKU BERHARAP?
AL-QURAN MENJAWAB
"Cukuplah Allah bagiku, tidak ada Tuhan selain dariNya. Hanya kepadaNya
aku bertawakkal."
Surah At-Taubah ayat 129

KITA BERKATA : AKU TIDAK DAPAT TAHAN!
AL-QURAN MENJAWAB
"dan janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya
tiada berputus asa dari rahmat Allah melainkan kaum yang kafir."
Surah Yusuf ayat 12

Day 1 (21/10/09)

Though I was on leave today, but had to wake up really early to settle something at the office. The thing need to be settled before 11. It has to be at RTM before 11 a.m. Managed to settle a couple of things by 9.40am..email out and off i rushed to the hospital for my first radiation therapy. Was kinda scared but mama use to tell me, there is no such thing as pain..it's all in your mind. My late mom used to remind this again and again " HE WHO CONQUERS HIS SPIRIT IS MIGHTIER THAN HE WHO TAKETH A CITY..AND ALWAYS REMEMBER ALLAH NEVER SLEEP NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND..HE LISTENS"
I need to do this on my own...without people that I love to be around. Not even my closest friend Nini. I don't mind having Nini during my routine check ups but while going thru the treatments, no matter how they hide the feelings, i know deep down these people will feel sorry for me and cried inside of them. In order for me NOT to break down, I have to go thru the treatment all by myself.
While waiting for 2pm, i sat the cafe with my lappy. I looked at my dad's photo, my kids, and Qel's photo to give me that strength. Stopped by at Nini's Tagged, looked at our photo together and actually told her in my heart.." We are gonna build that house at Teluk Intan by the river...we will have that house". From 12.15pm, I was listening to the song "Can't help falling in love" by Michael Buble on a repeat mode...In my heart singing it to Qel.
In the beginning I told NIni never to tell Qel about my cancer. Afraid to lose him. He is a blessing from Allah. And since we are in a relationship now, I told Allah, I am gonna love him for the sake of Allah. And I know Allah gives the best and he is the best among all the guys I know. So a couple of days ago, I took the risk of telling him. The risk was a big one but I just don't have the heart to hide things from him. And so I told him...to my surprise, he said he is not gonna leave me and he is gonna be there for me..rain or shine.
Before 2pm, they already prepared me for the treatment. I had to change into the hospital gown...well the doctor already told me earlier that the treatment is not gonna hurt...but what is gonna hurt probably is the after effect. Thank God it was external radiation therapy. Dr M was really nice...I guess all doctors are nice. Their duty is to save lives. Hmmm...the procedure didn't take that long. But I was made to rest before time for me to go home.
Got back home around 6pm++. Text Qel and Nini...I asked Qel if he still loves me and would want to be with me, after knowing my real condition?..His answer really touched my heart. The SMS was very simple and short but the impact from his answer gave me a chill running through my spine.."By Allah's name, YES! Muuuaaahhhs".(The SMS I received..and knowing him, he doesn't just using Allah's name if he really didn't mean it)
I guess when Allah took my 2 friends that i truly love and adore for reasons i will never know(wish I knw)...He replaced with someone who would bring happiness into my life and his love has overcome the sadness in me for having to lose 2 of my best friends(well at least i know there were my best friends once upon a time and someday I hope and pray they will find a place in their heart to forgive me and tell me what I actually did wrong to them..i wish I know). Allah always does His miracle.
I am gonna write a story titled GOD REPLIED and I really hope whoever reads this part of the journal will not get upset of kinda sensitive. Read the message in the story , here goes :

GOD : HELLO DID YOU CALL ME?
ME : Called you? No ..... who is this?
GOD : THIS IS GOD. I HEARD IN YOUR PRAYERS. SO I THOUGHT I WILL CHAT
ME : I do pray. It makes me feel good. I am actually busy right now. I am in the midst of something
GOD : WHAT ARE U BUSY AT? ANTS ARE BUSY TOO
ME : Don't know but I can't find a free time. Life has become hectic. Its a rush
hour all the time.
GOD : SURE ACTIVITY GETS YOU BUSY. BUT PRODUCTIVITY GETS YOU
RESULT. ACTIVITY CONSUME TIMES AND PRODUCTIVITY FREES IT.
ME : I understand but I still can't figure it out. By the way, I wasn't expecting you
to buzz me on an Instant Messaging Chat.
GOD : WELL I WANTED TO RESOLVE YOUR FIGHT FOR TIME, BY GIVING YOU
CLARITY.
ME : Tell me why has life become complicated now?
GOD : STOP ANALYZING LIFE. JUST LIVE IT. ANALYZING IS MAKES IT
COMPLICATED
ME : Why are then constantly unhappy?
GOD : YOUR TODAY IS THE TOMORROW YOU WORRIED ABOUT YESTERDAY
YOU ARE WORRYING BECAUSE YOU ARE ANALYZING.WORRYING HAS
BECOME YOUR HABIT. THAT'S WHY YOU ARE NOT HAPPY.
ME : But can we not worry when life is full of uncertainty?
GOD : UNCERTAINTY IS INEVITABLE, BUT WORRYING IS OPTIONAL.
ME : But then there is so much pain due to uncertainty.
GOD : PAIN IS INEVITABLE, BUT SUFFERING IS OPTIONAL
ME : If suffering is an optional, then why is there so many good people suffer?
GOD : DIAMOND CANNOT BE POLISHED WITHOUT FRICTION. GOLD CANNOT B
PURIFIED WITHOUT FIRE.GOOD PEOPLE GO THROUGH TRIALS BUT
DON'T SUFFER. WITH THAT EXPERIENCE THEIR LIVES BECOME BETTER
AND NOT BITTER.
ME : YOu mean to say such experience is useful?
GOD : YES IN EVERY TERMS. EXPERIENCE IS A HARD TEACHER. SHE GIVES
THE TEST FIRST AND LESSONS AFTERWARDS.
ME : But still why would we go through the test? Why cant we be free from
problems?
GOD : PROBLEM ARE PURPOSEFUL ROADBLOCKS OFFERING BENEFICIAL
LESSONS TO ENHANCE MENTAL STRENGTH, INNER STRENGTH COMES
FROM STRUGGLE AND ENDURANCE , NOT WHN YOU ARE FREE OF
PROBLEMS.
ME : Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don't know where we are
heading
GOD : IF YOU LOOK OUTSIDE, U WILL KNOW WHERE YOU'RE HEADING
LOOK INSIDE.LOOKING OUTSIDE U WILL DREAM. LOOKING INSIDE, U
AWAKEN. EYES PROVIDE SIGHT. HEART PROVIDES INSIGHT.
ME : Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction.
What should I do?
GOD : SUCCESS IS MEASURE AS DECIDED BY OTHERS. SATISFACTION IS MEASURE AS
DECIDED BY YOU. KNOWING THE ROAD IN AHEAD IS MORE SATISFYING THAN
KNOWING YOU RODE AHEAD.YOU WORK WITH THE COMPASS.LET OTHERS
WORK WITH THE CLOCK.
ME : In tough time, how do you motivate?
GOD : ALWAYS LOOK AT HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME RATHER THAN HOW FAR YOU
HAVE TO GO. ALWAYS COUNT YOUR BLESSING..NOT WHAT YOU ARE MISSING
ME : What surprises you about people?
GOD : When they suffer, they asked "why me"?When They prosper, they never asked 'why
me?"Everyone wants to have truth on his side but few wants to be on the side of the
truth.
ME : Sometimes i asked who am I, why I am here, i cannot get the answer.
GOD : sEEK NOT TO FIND WHO U ARE, BUT DETERMINE WHO YOU WANT TO BE. STOP
LOOKING FOR A PURPOSE AS TO WHY YOU ARE HERE.CREATE IT. LIFE IS NOT
A PROCESS OF DISCOVERY BUT A PROCESS OF CREATION.
ME : HOw can I get the best of life/
GOD ; FACE YOUR PAST WITHOUT REGRET. HANDLE YOUR PRESENCE WITH
CONFIDENCE. PREPARE THE FUTURE WITHOUT FEAR.
ME : One last question. SOmetimes I feel prayers are not being answered?
GOD : THERE ARE NO UNANSWERED PRAYERS. SOMETIMES THE ANSWER IS NO
GOD : KEEP THE FAITH AND DROP THE FEAR.DON'T BELIEVE YOUR DOUBTS AND
DOUBT YOUR BELIEFS. LIFE IS A MYSTERY TO SOLVE AND NOT A PROBLEM TO
RESOLVE. TRUST ME. LIFE IS WONDERFUL IF YOU KNOW HOW TO LIVE.

THE MOST RELAXING RECREATING FORCES ARE A HEALTHY :
RELIGION, SLEEP, MUSIC AND LAUGHTER. HAVE FAITH IN GOD- LEARN TO SLEEP WELL- LOVE GOOD MUSIC - SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF LIFE- AND HEALTH AND HAPPINESS WILL BE YOURS

Leave To be Continued..YAY!!

Yesterday was the first day of my 2 weeks leave. This 2 weeks leave is no vacation for me... I need to go for my cancer treatment(pheww! now I can write here as Qel already knw about my bone cancer so i have nothing to hide anymore.) I refuse to do chemo as the side effect is really obvious and I never ever want papa to know about it. At this his age, he should not be worrying about his children anymore. Instead of chemo, i will opt for something with less side effect. Anyway its still at stage one. I opt for radiation therapy. Its a type of cancer treatment to shrink the cancer cells. I will be going through an external radiation therapy, therefore I need not stay in the hospital overnight. Nini will accompany me for the therapy but actually I rather go alone. 1. I dont like people to see me when I am in pain. Its only gonna weaken me. I am a strong girl. I AM TINKERBELL...
But unfortunately, yesterday after my hospital trip, my boss called at 12 requested me to cancel my leave for 2 days because police of Kuantan has personally requested for me to be there by 3pm. I know it was a crazy request but i had no choice but to rush home, packed my things and drove all the way to Kuantan at the speed of 170-180km. Reached Kuantan just in time. Straight to the Rakan cop booth and started doing what I was suppose to do la. But Allah is soooo great, He knows i was tired due to the early morning hospital trip and having to rush to Kuantan. I was being given the ultimate highest treatment by the local police. By 7.30pm i wrapped up everything and went straight to the hotel.
This time I was given by the local police a complimentary room at the hotel. A suite...I have always told myself..."I wish one day I get to sleep on the most comfy mattress that is covered with WHITE clean sheet, with lots of white fluffy pillows( I love fluffy pillows) and with thick white fluffy comforter... And guess what, the moment i entered the suite, i went to the room...God fulfilled that wish of mine...the exact request. And being in that big room all alone...its the best moment for me yesterday.
Today I woke up at 6am++ when Qel text me..hehehe my head was still buried under the 6 huge fluffy pillows...was still feeling sleepy when we were exchanging SMS. Continue my sleep until about 8.50am....was soooo hungry. Ordered room service. The OCPD told me..eat whatever i want...just sign to the room. Did some work before i packed my stuffs and took my shower. At 12.30 drove back to KL. Decided to stop by at the office.
Met my HR and somethings happened. But Alhamdulillah Allah is on my side. Something my HR inform me that made me feel so blessed. And guess what...not gonna let anyone break me. And I mean NO ONE...
My new CEO knows about my condition, having to fight cancer, he allows my leave to be extended till 4th November. And I promised him that despite having to go through my treatment, I will still do my work from the hospital and at home.