My Experience Being Baulimic for 7 years

I started throwing up when i first join the airline working as a stewardess in 1989. I had never been any good at self-control or consistency, so I guess I wasn't destined to become anorexic. Bulimia for me was initially about how I looked and about weight control, but it turned into a monster that I couldn't escape from. I cared about my appearance; the first thing I thought after a binge was "you're going to gain weight." However, after a while, I didn't throw up after daily meals in fear of fat. Instead, I would purposely gorge myself until I couldn't eat any more. Sickened and bloated I would stumble to the bathroom, crying and feeling like the biggest failure. Gasping, I would ram my finger down my throat until most of my binge was gone. The binges became huge, uncontrollable episodes where I tortured myself. Bulimia would come and go, but even when I wasn't binging, it was always in the back of my mind.Eventually, I was diagnosed with depression. As I began therapy and medication, my bulimia subsided to a point where it didn't totally control my life. Now, at age 38, I don't binge as often, but sometimes I relapse into those periods where I know that I am full, but I keep eating, keep stuffing food into my body. I hear the comments from those around me: "how do you eat so much and stay so thin?" I want to scream that I am not thin - that I am bloated and can feel myself becoming grotesque and disgusting. I am not a survivor of bulimia yet; I am still a victim. I know that I have a long road ahead of me. But I refuse to let the bulimia win. I threw up again that night, half-afraid that my eyeballs were going to explode. But it was, by far, more important that I get rid of dinner. Of course by then, throwing up was the only way I knew how to deal with fear. . . And [the bulimia] is so very seductive. It is so reassuring, so all-consuming, so entertaining.At first.Midway through the food you remember and it's too late and you're still fucking hungry . . . but then you feel so unbelievably guilty and hideous that you HAVE TO THROW UP, and so you do . . .

No one can simply "get over" bulimia. Telling a bulimic to eat normally is like telling a victim of spousal abuse to just leave him or a victim of alcoholism to stop drinking: It's just not that easy and it sure as hell doesn't happen overnight.