Sarcoma Awareness

I can almost see it, that dream i'm dreamin but, there's a voice inside my head sayin, you'll never reach it. every step im takin every move i make feels lost with no direction, my faith is shakin, but i, i gotta keep tryin i gotta keep my head held high

there's always gonna be another mountain im always gonna wanna make it move always gonna be an uphill battle and sometimes im gonna have to lose it aint about how fast i get there aint about whats waitin on the other side its the climb

the struggles im facing the chances im taking sometimes might knock me down but no im not breaking i may not know it but these are the moments that im gonna remember most yeah just gotta keep goin and i i got be strong gotta keep on pushin on cuz

theres always gonna be another mountain im always gonna wanna make it move always gonna be an uphill battle sometimes im gonna have to lose aint about how fast i get there aint about whats waitin on the other side its the climb x2

keep on movin keep climbin keep the faith babe its all about its all about the climb keep the faith keep your faith

Yesterday while chatting with Qel on YM, Mike called me on YM too...hand typing to Qel, ears listened to Mikey. He is also in the same situation like me..MADLY IN LOVE. He told me that he never approved my previous relationship but this time, he sincerely approved of my relationship with Qel.
Mikey told me last night, he needs my help to teach his girlfriend about Islam. He did mention to me 2 weeks ago and I told him I will try my best. The truth is, I am kinda scared actually though Rona is gonna be the 5th person that I am gonna teach. But each one of the previous 4 individuals Allah sent me has different profiling and before they revert to Islam, I had to do their profiling first. To know at what angle should i approached them and how to bend their heart. Its tough and hehehe the toughest was Mike himself. An American and who at one one time was an orthodox Jehovah Witness. He used to call me Taliban and a terrorist. LOL! But Alhamdulillah now he is a good Muslim.
And to teach about the religion is a big responsibilities. Don't know why Allah put this bis responsibilities on my shoulder..because I am no scholar neither am i an angel. I have too many flaws and weaknesses. But then again if I turn down the task given to me,its like me refusing to Almighty's request. So far 4 whom He sent to me went pretty well and all of them are good practicing Muslim. And which I am still not one.(trying to be though..who knows one fine day).
Today I received a text message from Rona. She is a beautiful Philippines girl. And i mean really beautiful. She told me that she is excited that I am gonna be her teacher (Only God knows how scared I am actually..heheehehe..but then again i know He is gonna guide me just like how He did to me when I had to teach the previous 4 individuals only using YM and Skypes and web cam).I guess this is His way of cleansing me as I have done many wrongs in my 40years of life.
I like to dedicate this song to those who TRULY understand me, appreciate me for what I am, and to those who have been there with and for me.

I can almost see it, that dream i'm dreamin but, there's a voice inside my head sayin, you'll never reach it. every step im takin every move i make feels lost with no direction, my faith is shakin, but i, i gotta keep tryin i gotta keep my head held high

there's always gonna be another mountain im always gonna wanna make it move always gonna be an uphill battle and sometimes im gonna have to lose it aint about how fast i get there aint about whats waitin on the other side its the climb

the struggles im facing the chances im taking sometimes might knock me down but no im not breaking i may not know it but these are the moments that im gonna remember most yeah just gotta keep goin and i i got be strong gotta keep on pushin on cuz

theres always gonna be another mountain im always gonna wanna make it move always gonna be an uphill battle sometimes im gonna have to lose aint about how fast i get there aint about whats waitin on the other side its the climb

keep on movin keep climbin keep the faith babe its all about its all about the climb keep the faith keep your faith

Finally 5 sessions are over...

I finally complete my 5 sessions of radiation therapy. Yesterday was the worst effect. The vomiting and i felt so weak. Nini was with me yesterday and she couldn't stand seeing me sitting on the toilet floor with my head putting on the toilet bowl. I really wish she didn't have to see those moment. She accompanied me all the time and Qel too (only thing is Qel accompanied me via SMS as he is not here at KL)..At 3.30pm, I was still feeling so weak but just had to drive to the office.
Sadiq and Din said "Ellie go home la..look at you..you look so pale with reddish eye bag"..but one of my boss need some clarification and need me to settle some problem with one of our client After the short meeting, my 2nd boss called me into his room. TO told me that he is considering of transferring me to a lighter work but I begged him not to. Work is like drug running through my vain. I am addicted to work. The harder the task is....the "drug-high" i get.
He told me my big boss will make the decision whether to get an assistant for me of to transfer me to a lighter work. He said stress is bad for my cancer. I begged and begged him yesterday to let me stay where my current position is. He told me they will not decrease my salary..only the work will be lighter. But i don't want a lighter work/task.
So I told him that each time i indulge my self into work, i will forget about my cancer. So he told me to be strong as Allah will always be with me. He told me to do extra prayers like Tahajud and he gave me some name of herbs that i should try because one of his friend's daughter took that herb and cured. Now she is cancer free for 3 years.
Finally TO told me, he will not transfer me to a lighter work provided i update him on my progress. I know I am gonna be ok, insyaAllah...with my sibbling's encouragement, my niece Tiara, my best friend Nini, my sweetheart Qel, who are always there for me...InsyaAllah.

A Fresh New Start

Today, I have decided to have a new fresh start. I have decided to delete all unnecessary negative element in my life. After my hospital appointment, I rested at Nini's place until i was feeling ok. There I listed down all the things and people that I don't need in my life. After doing the listing, I sign in to my Facebook and deleted anything or anyone that I have considered my past. Got onto my YM deleted all my past and finally, got on this blog of mine, have a new make up and disable what I need to disable.
Some may say I am dysfunctional in many ways, from the way I dress, from the way live my life but one thing I know I am truly happy with my life. I realised "This is me" and yes I am different even if to some I have split personalities and crazy...so be it as long as I am happy and not feeling miserable inside.
Now that I have deleted my past, I shall live the way I want my life to be. And never to bother what anyone wants to say or do. Special thanks to the Almighty, my family, Qel, Nini and not forgetting my God brother, Milli..

Am not gonna get even

I learn one thing in life...when we hate our enemies, we are giving them power over us, power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health and our happiness. Our enemies would dance with joy if only they knew how they were worrying us, lacerating us, and getting even with us. Our hate is not hurting them at all, but our hate is turning our own days and nights into a hellish turmoil.
I can't really remember who said this but it goes something like "If selfish people try to take advantage of you, cross them off your list BUT DON'T TRY GET EVEN. When u you try to get even, you hurt yourself more than you hurt the other fellow...
Hatred destroys our ability to enjoy even our own food. I know people who whose faces have been wrinkled and hardened by hate and disfigured by resentment that all the cosmetics surgery wont improve their looks half so much as would a heart full of forgiveness, tenderness and love.
If we cant love our enemies, lets at least love ourselves. Lets love ourselves so much that we wont permit our enemies to control our happiness, our health and our looks.No one can humiliate or disturb me unless we let them.
STICK AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES
BUT WORDS CAN NEVER HURT ME.