A SMILE JUST FOR YOU

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky
You'll get by...


If you smile
With your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...


Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just...

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

To My Best Friend The ALMIGHTY

You came into my life when I felt I was sinking and threw the life vest in time to save me. When I felt there was no hope and all I saw was darkness You came to show me the light. The confusion that consumed me was replaced with Your guidance and assurance of survival. When I reached the crossroads You pointed to the direction I needed to turn. As I felt weakened Your words strengthened me. The understanding and care You always show is insurmountable.

Many people have come into my life filling my heart with love, but no one has ever filled it with all the wonderful gifts You possess. People often say you are a mystery, but I see no mystery. I have been so blessed to have experienced the privilege of seeing all your beauty. You are full of tenderness, care, compassion, gentleness and above all, a heart full of love. Through You I have learned what true forgiveness is and the true meaning of unconditional love. With your help I was able to overcome hardships, disappointments, failures, insecurities and everything that caused me sadness.

You never leave my side and that only strengthens my love for You. You have proven that true friendship can survive many storms. I know, with You at my side, I could never be weak. With each storm You mold me into a rock. Thank you for Your spirit, strength, guidance and most of all...Your LOVE. I will learn to fill my days with love, understanding and communication. I will do my best to always respect and obey You. Thank you for all You have been in my life. My true friend.... ALLAH

Please watch the video below. Its the most beautiful video in Youtube. Never get bored with this video and I am sure any of you who reads this journal and watch this video will agree with me. Enjoy and Salam

A message I shall treasure for life

Just when things went so wrong, Allah would always compliment it with something or someone that will be my support pillow. Last night I had the best time on tagged with someone very sweet. I have all kinds of experiences on Tagged. It's where I met my best friend Nini who accepted me for what I am with no expectations but just true honest friendship, it's where I experienced the most painful one and the half year relationship with a guy whom i thought was my true love but only to know that I was only one of his trophies, and met guys like Amad, ariff, Tokwan and Fahmy who treated me like their best sister. They would protect me in any way they can, I have met many wierd crazy women and men whom when Nini and I sat down and shared our stories about these crazy people, we would laughed so hard till we get stomach cramp.
Then Nini and I learned about the tactics of these Black african scammers so that we can help other women on the net to not being stupid and trapped by those scammers. We both have to pretend to be stupid and accepted their friendship request so that we can get to know their latest tactics.
And tonight, I learned about someone whom I were quietly admiring ..well now its not a secret anymore as when he read my blog, he bumped into one of the journal titled AdmireHim...Shhhh! Somehow something I wrote about the Northern Number made him suspected that the person was him. Yup Guilty as Charged. Handcuff me now.
For the first time I actually found someone exactly as what I described 20 years ago in my diary while I was based at Kota Kinabalu for 2 years. I remember during that 2 years people thought I was a Lesbi because I refuse to go on a date. I was only19 at that time, first time away from my parents and being on my own at a different State on a different Penisular. BUt i remember writing this in my yellow diary " I wish to meet a guy someday with this criteria below. Dont know if there is anyone like that but its ok to dream"
1. A guy who loves his mother dearly and would do anything for his mother
2. He must be intelligent
3. Funny and full sense of humour
4. He must have the simplest life with a simple phylosophy of life
5. He is not a bragger
6. Super Dooper English
Then 20 years later, I met this guy on Tagged who has the exact criteria as what I wrote in my yellow Diary. His friendship is God's gift to me. This TIME, I will take my time to get to know him better and will not rush our friendship. And the last message he sent me on Tagged last night was the most beautiful message I have ever received in my whole entire life from a guy. I will paste the message here on this particular journal but will have to hide it as it will be my Personal Message. It will be here for as long as Ellie's Memoir exist.

I have no objection whatsoever you writing about the northern number because that's what yu truly feel. In fact I feel good to be able to see myself through the eyes of others. At least if it's good, I get to appreciate myself more. If it's a bad thing, I get to correct myself. I trust whatever you write it is not meant to hurt anyone. I've read enough in your journal to feel so

You've told me your relationship with others did not turn up quite well as you would hope for. So having a little barrier for the time being is not such a bad thing after all. Let's just concentrate on building a strong foundation to our friendship before trying to be too eager to build a penthouse at the top. Go slow Elle. Get to know me first. Relationship is not just about two people coming together. Remember, we also have responsibility towards those around us. We don't want to step over our boundary only to realise we're not meant for each other. By then it would be too little too late.

FYI, somewhere along the barrier I put up all these years, I think someone has been able to find the hidden gate. And that person is you, Ellie. You're always welcome to use it. One day, when the time is right. those barriers can be pulled down altogether. By then you'llbe able to roam wherever you like. Unless you've decided to find a new playground.

Your Love Is My Love

Was doing some updating with my client's website when Yoda on my said "Err...message from the Dark Side, there is"...grabbed my phone, flipped it open and saw 1 text message from "MY ANGELS". The message came from my Princess Mariposa aka Siti Sarah that wrote "mom, are you coming back at night or in the evening?" And I replied, "InsyaAllah I should be home before Maghrib". Then came in the next message that made me smile ear to ear...hehehe. The exact next message was " OH. I love you umi + i miss umi. Sarah with love. 10000000000000000000000000000." And my reply was " Umi loves you soooooo much and miss you so very very much DOOT(nickname only she knows why i call her that).

Then came in the next SMS that siad " OH. I almost forgot. MUAH"....Those SMS gave me the Bloom Bloom Bloom feeling in my heart. I found a perfect song for my 2 angels..to my 2 adorable angels.

If tomorrow is judgement day (sing mommy)
And I'm standin' on the front line
And the Lord ask me what I did w/ my life
I will say I spent it withyou

If I wake upon WW 3
I see destruction and poverty
And I feel like I want to go home
It's okay if youcommin' with me

Cause your love is my love
and my love is your love
It would take an eternity to break us
And the chains of Amistad couln't hold us

If I lose my fame and fortune
And I'm homeless on the street
And I'm sleepin' in Grand Central Station
It's okay if you're sleepin' with me

As the years they pass us by
we stay young through eachother's eyes
And no matter how old we get
It's okay as long as I got you babe
If I should die this very day
Don't cry, cause on earth we wasn't meant to stay
And no matter what people say
I'll be waiting for you after jusdement day

Crazy Morning

Had a sleepless night yesterday. Tossing and turning, adjusting myself to get the right comfy position but failed. Woke up every 30-45mins. Went to my dad's room to sleep there and still can't get my mind to shut down not even for an hour. All i need was just an hour. Its been ages since I worry about anything. I guess Allah doesnt want me to be too comfy in my peaceful soul. Probably He doesnt want me to fall so He had to give me a small pinch of Ouuchhh!.
Taking my lappy at the time when I have 4 deadlines is not a small Ouucch actually. Its His funny way of telling me "Remember Me? I don't sleep FYI...Ask...ask. Ask Me for help". At 5.30am, my phone alarm woke me up for Fajar Prayer but because i didnt get to sleep through out the whole night, I decided to snooze it and buried my head under all 6 pillows of mine. After 9 minutes, the irritating alarm tried its best to wake me up AGAIN! But i guess, instead of my fat finger press the Snooze key, it accidently press TURN OFF key.
There goes my Fajar Prayer for today.The next thing I know, i heard a text message with the voice of Yoda telling me "Errr...Message from the Dark Side there is". With my head still under those pillows, my hand was searching for the hp that got lost under one of the pillows. Flip it open, its from the northen number giving me Morning greeting.
Thank God there wasnt a camera in my room to capture the funny reaction. First whenI saw the name of the sender, it put a smile on my face and taking my sweet time replying his message until I saw the time. It was 7am. My impulse reaction - Jump out of the bed, with my mouth instead of saying my normal daily ritual of thanks to Allah for the morning, I said "Holy Shit"and jumped off the bed, pull my towel behind the door, ran into the bath room and just as i was about to take off my top, I remembered i havent thank Allah for the morning.
Put back my top, ran back to my room, sat on my bed facing the window, first told Allah, thank you for giving me to see today, then apologies for accidently miss my Fajar Prayer, give Him a smile and a wink, hoping He forgives me for missing my morning prayer.( I know no excuse for that)
Went back into the bathroom, took my shower. Then it came to choose what to wear for the day(eerrggg!!! the part I hate most everyday), went to the first wardrobe cant find anything to suit my mood, went to 2nd wardrobe, still cant find anything. Went back to the first wardrobe, took my LIMA Rakan Cop uniform and grabbed my thorn jeans and just put them on. Quick make up ( no more thick make since i left the Airline 10 years ago).
Wonder how i get to write this journal when I dont have a lappy? Sadiq's PC while he is away. And I still cant get anywork done....sob sob sob

Love vs. "in" Love..heheheehe

We always hear stuff like, "It's been 6 months and he hasn't said 'I love you' yet." As if that's supposed to really mean something. But the fact that you've been together for 6 months doesn't mean anything other than you've been at it for 6 months. It doesn't mean that you're any closer to love than you were 6 months ago.

Because, as with anything else in life, the passage of time doesn't mean that you've actually accomplished anything. You don't get an "A" in school or a promotion at work just for showing up every day for 6 months. You have to actually DO something. And it has to be something GOOD.

It's a lot like saying "practice makes perfect." They figure that if you've been doing it a lot, then you should have perfected it. But think back to when you were practicing your penmanship in the second grade. Now look at your handwriting today. Have you actually perfected your penmanship? Some of us still have fairly good penmanship -- and some of us don't.

Because practice does NOT make perfect. You have to actually practice the RIGHT things in the RIGHT way to get it RIGHT. You have to follow the right steps and you have to put your whole effort into it. That takes focus and dedication. But if you keep at it, then "muscle memory" takes over. Your body does it without having to think about it. Like breathing.

The problem is that "muscle memory" also applies to practicing the wrong thing the wrong way over and over again too. Your body doesn't know the difference. That's why a lot of people still have bad handwriting. It becomes a bad habit they can't break because they always had bad form and they kept practicing that bad form over and over again.

In other words, practice doesn't make perfect, it just makes it permanent.

So let's get real about 6-month pseudo-anniversaries. At 6 months, you don't actually LOVE each other. Sure, you think you do. But you don't really. That's why it's so damn hard for you to say, "I love you." And that's why you need your partner to say it so badly. Because you want your own feelings to be validated so you can call it "love" too.

People get so caught up in superficial romantic gestures that they forget the real work that has to be done in developing a real relationship. That's why they go overboard in celebrating 1-month, 2-month, and 6-month pseudo-anniversaries. At the same time, when their partner says, "I'm feeling very stressed (or unhappy, frustrated, depressed, etc.)," their first reaction is "What about me?" instead of "Is there anything I can do for you?" They can't even practice good customer service with the one customer they supposedly love.

So, if anything, you're "in" love with each other. Unfortunately, people always mistake being "in" love for real love. "In" love involves chemistry. You either have it or you don't. And if you don't have it, then no amount of time is going to change the fact that you don't have it. That's where "he's not that into you" comes in.

But even if you have chemistry, that's still not enough to make a relationship. Because real love requires time to develop. And a lot of work. You have to be secure enough as an individual to be able to set your "me"-centeredness aside and become more "us"-oriented. You have to value making peace more than you value your pride or your principles. "Doing the right thing" has to be more important to you than "being right."

You also hear people say stuff like, "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you." That's just BS. What they really mean is "I was IN love with you more than I actually LOVED you." The truth is that once the chemistry faded, there was nothing left to sustain the relationship. "In" love never blossomed into real "love."

In other words, there's no "love at first sight." That's "in" love. And there is no love at 6 months either. That's still "in" love. Real love needs to develop. And you have to actually DO something -- and it needs to be something GOOD.

So if you're making a big fuss about celebrating your 6-month pseudo-anniversary, then you're much too aware of what time it is to be actually doing anything of any real significance. It's like going to work. Some employees spend their time watching the clock all day to see when it's break time, lunch time, or quitting time. But a few dedicated workers spend their day actually doing their jobs. Because if you're focused on what you're supposed to be doing, then time should pass without being noticed.

In other words, if you're washing dishes, then you have to wash the dishes to WASH the dishes -- NOT to get it over with so you can go do something else. You need to be fully engaged in the task of washing the dishes. Like I said before, you have to actually practice doing the RIGHT things in the RIGHT way if you want to get it RIGHT.

And if you take care in doing what you're doing today, then tomorrow will take care of itself.

Humming and typing at the same time

Just like any other morning, today I woke up with the morning sun shone its SMILE directly on my sleepy face. The first thing I heard when I opened my eyes was the sound of the bird chirping. As usual my daily ritual, I would sit on my bed facing the sky and tell Allah thank you for still giving me the opportunity to see today and how bless i truly feel. I thought I was gonna get up on the wrong side of the bed today because yesterday i was really down because of my poor lappy. But Allah just know how to put a smile on my face first thing in the morning. As i was sitting smiling to Him and thanking Him, I received text messages from the northern number and that puts my first smile for today. I know Allah was smiling WITH me at that moment.
Just before i hit for the shower, Allah made me realised the things i have achieved as at today. Gosh when i listed the achievement, I was speechless.One by one came to my mind and I guess its true that patient is a virtue. And then I realised that I am actually stronger than I thought.
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others. Courage is the ladder on which all the other virtues mount and Humility is the solid foundation of all virtues.
REached the office, first thing i did..I went to my technical's desk and said.."Saaaadddiiiqqqq....please pretty please..i just need to use your PC for a moment, Very very the urgent please pretty please. ( i was doing that spoilt brat face with a bit of angelic eyes with a pooted llips standing infront of a candy jar begging her mom to buy her those colourful candies). So he got up and told me take your time. Hehehe at that moment i gave him the longest smile..ear to ear smile. BUt Sadiq is kinda use to my craziness...jumping in the office trying to reach the ceiling when I am excited, scream out of sudden in the middle of the silence when something went wrong or putting on my headphones and start singing monotones tune so when I gave him that wierd ear to ear SMILE..no question asked.
First thing I type was www.tagged.com..lol. I just need to see his new uploaded pics. Ok I am gonna save my comments just incase he reads this journal and start growing his butt. (ooops! sorrryyyy yogurt)..but i must say this..naahhh i better save it. Now I am just singing to myself and typing this journal. Ok got to get back to work..dont know what to do la without my lappy. Filing? Done that before the Raya holiday, planning? without my project manager software? errghhh i am suppose to do the Pernama FM's website before the 8th oct. Ok now i have to do waht I normally do, take all these problems, wrap them in a plain white sheet, and I am gonna take it to Allah and tell Him to take it back because I can't find a solution. I do that when I am stuck and can't find an answer.
Hopefully things will be ok and He ..no no not hopefully I know He will offer His helping hand.

Just NOT SO COOL

Today is the 4th day of Syawal. I wouldnt say 4th day of Eidul Mubarak because the eid is only one day actually.Only people here celebrate it like the whole entire month of Syawal la. Anyway, today I am back to work. I woke up feeling fresh today probably because of the Magnetic Bracelet Ariff gave me yesterday. At first when i first put it on, I had this Vertigo reaction and kinda sleepy. Ariff told me that i need to drink lots of water.The bracelet is used for blood circulation and it also helps to lose weight. Thats the best part of course. Losing weight. heheheh.

Brought my son to the office as most staff would not be in the office today. They are still having raya sakan and will only be back to the office next week after Monday.Reached the office, tried to switch on my lappy, guess what? My stupid motherboard and also my hard disk have finally came to the end of their life. Khairuddin took out the hard disk and tried to retrieve the Data..Unfortunately it would not open and read. I felt like a dark cloud hovering above my head now. There are lots of important Data in that hard disk.

Now I am feeling really gloomy and stormy. On top of that gloominess and storminess, I am also feeling embarrass and stupid. I think....no no I know this person that i wrote about in the journal titled "Secretly admiring him..SHHH!" by now knew that the guy i wrote in the journal is him.

From his text messages, it gave me the indication that he already knew.

I really feel like going home now and bury my head in the toilet bowl that fills up with lots of nice clean bubble. This is soo embarrasing and so not cool. With my lappy and this embarrasing details about that journal, i wish i could be reborned. Reincarnation and be tiny frog...eergghhh waht am i spooting about.

I better shut off this lappy, return it back to Sadiq and go to my best friend's house Nini.

It's been 13 years and I still Cant Let Go

God I miss my mom sooo much. 13 years gone by, and I cant let go. Still hoping someday I wake up in the morning, I will hear " Girl..wake up...anak dara apa tido till 8 am. Wake up now and do the cleaning". And when I open my eyes i will see her standing at my door, wearing her moss green Maxi telling me to get up and hit the shower.
Bagaimanakan ku mula
Tiadakah kata-kata
Yang indah untuk diabadikan
Tiap wajah berkisah
Tiap madah bererti
Manakah ilhamku

Cahaya di matamu
Senyum di bibirmu
Mengukir seribu tanda pertanyaan
Mungkinkah kau jua dalam kerinduan
Di saat begini aku merindukan

Berhelai helai surat
Terbiar di depanku
Tak dapat aku utuskan
Ku ramas semua dan ku buangkan jauh
Dari pandangan
Lalu aku kesal
Ku kumpul semula
Tak dapat ku nyatakan apa yang ku rasa
Jika engkau tahu di dalam hatiku
Mungkinkah kau sahut jeritan batinku

Dengarkanlah panggilanku
Dengarkanlah lagu untukmu
Angin lalu kau sampaikan
Rasa rindu yang membara kepadanya

Warna warna cintaku
Kian pudar bersama
Malam yang gelap gelita
Apakah kau rasakan apa yang aku rasa
Atau kau tak endah
Tapi ku percaya
Semua telah tertulis
Dan niat suci ku takkan disiakan
Dan di suatu masa
Di hari yang indah
Ku hulur tanganku
Lalu kau terima

The Perfection of OUr Soul

If you've decided to get to the summit of your mountain and not just hang around base camp, then know that ascending to the highest level of living is going to involve your heart. Take a second to check how it's doing right now: Put your hand on your heart and ask, "Is my ‘love tap' flowing inside of me?"

You see, we all have a small but powerful golden tap inside of us -- while it might be covered over and obscured by leaves and twigs, it's still there. Get to know it, and check in with it on a daily (even hourly) basis. Is your tap turned on enough so that the love from your heart is flowing out to everyone you meet? Even though you may be taxed and burdened by a life that can be fraught with many disappointments, you can still love.

Every night before we go to bed, it helps to examine the day and review ourthoughts and actions to find how they could be more loving. Ultimately, when we leave this plane of existence, that's what's going to count.

In order to reach the summit of your own personal mountain, your mandate must be to love, inspire, and serve others in whatever we do -- not in some lofty purpose "over there," but in our daily life, right where we are right now.

1. Welcome everyone with love. With everyone, including animals, I meet, I automatically say to them mentally, "I welcome you into my life with love." It diffused so many situations I have been confronted with over the years. It puts out an energy and feeling of peace and understanding, whether the other individual knows it or not.
2. Listen to others. Truly listen with our undivided attention when someone is trying to convey something to us. truly understand where an individual is coming from. So much of our communication between individuals is misunderstood. Listen with the heart into what someone is actually saying, as it may not at all be what we thought we heard.
3. Breathe in love and breathe out blessings.This a continual mantra throughout my day.I start my day with and continually repeat. It reminds me to think well of others. Remember there is no time or space, and every time I say this I am actually emanating blessings and love to everyone and everything around me. This actually creates an energy field emanating from my heart like a beacon. Every second of every day, I always have a choice of how to be and how to react to any situation.
I believe that diseases begin when we disregard the messages of the heart and deny what gives us happiness -- good things will come if we live in joy, harmony, and gratitude. Through any personal health challenge, the miracle of the body still prevails. With a little help, it knows what to do and can repair at any age -- I've seen it happen countless times.

When the body repairs, the energy returns, the lights go on, the vitality pours back in, and everything lines up! Then emotions take on a rational perspective and spirituality is aligned; thus, we witness the true miracle of the connection between the body, mind, and spirit.
This brings me to the art of surrender, or the top of the mountain -- that is, when I can accept, allow, and enjoy the mystery of life as it unfolds and then ends. I hope that I can look back on the piece of patchwork that I've left on the planet with a sense of pride and accomplishment. And, as I review the life that I've passionately lived, I will be able to say" I DO NOT REGRET ANYTHING"

You are God's Bless

Just when everything was not in my favour, you came along. Only Allah knows how bless I am to have you in my life. I know we are far away from each other, but the messages you sent me daily made me so close to you.


aku malu berharap Engkau mengerti lagi
atas kesalahan yang pernah aku perbuat
hati dan perasaanku mulai teruji
selembut doa dalam hati
Kau mengetahui

kala panggilan-Mu
kumohon ampunilah aku

aku bersujud.. aku berdoa
menyerah padaMu.. ya Tuhanku
aku memohon.. keringanan hati
menentukan pilihan.. menuju rahmat-Mu

ya Tuhanku.. ya Tuhanku
ya Tuhanku.. ya Allah

aku malu berharap Engkau mengerti lagi
atas kesalahan yang pernah aku perbuat
hati dan perasaanku mulai teruji
selembut doa dalam hati
Kau mengetahui

kala panggilan-Mu
aku mohon ampunilah aku

aku bersujud.. aku berdoa
hanyalah padaMu.. ya Tuhanku
aku memohon.. keringanan hati
menentukan pilihan.. menuju rahmatMu

aku bersujud.. aku berdoa
hanyalah padaMu.. ya Tuhan
aku memohon.. keringanan hati
menentukan pilihan.. menuju rahmat-Mu

ya Tuhan.. ya Tuhanku

ampuni dosaku [ya Allah]
ampuni dosaku [ya Allah]
ampuni dosaku [ya Allah]

The First Eidul Fitri that I celebrate after 20 years of not having RAYA SPIRIT

Yesterday was the first time I enjoyed Eidul Mubarak since 20 years of losing that Raya Spirit. Actually I have a "Bucket List"- things that i will like to do, to meet and to achieve before I actually kick the bucket. I've had a couple on the list that I have achieved and done. And one of them is to spend Eidul Fitri with my family and having my 2 kids with me.
4 years since the divorce, i haven't gotten the opportunity to be with the kids during Eidul Fitri until yesterday. Only Allah knows how happy I am to get the pleasure of being with my kids and my whole entire family during the Eid.

I truly found the happiness yesterday during Eidul Fitri, because the Eid is not about SHOPPING til you drop dead and later get yourself stress for no particular reason because you are so dead broke. But the Eid is about you celebrating the achievement during Ramadhan and I might not have done 100% well during Ramadhan, but I have the biggest achievement during Ramadhan this year. Allah tested me with people that are close to me going against me for reasons only God and them. With all the nastiest emails and nastiest names given to me by them, I stood with my head held high and not a single bit it effected my mood or upset me in any way. For that, its the biggest achievement in my life because then I know I am able to block almost all negative issues that comes into my life.
This is the beginning of a wonderful journey in life, insyaAllah.