Ellie..forgive Ellie...FORGIVE...

Woke up when my phone rang...at first i just ignored it thinking must be that psychopathic woman's call AGAIN. Every morning from 8am till almost midnight for the past 3weeks, she would be harassing me with her calls and her text messages. But when i looked at the phone, it was my ex husband. By the time i was about to answer the phone, the call ended. Closed back my eyes but then i heard a text message notification. Its from my ex husband asking me to pay him RM5k. The money which I used for our children when i was still his wife.
I just asked Allah, what's coming next. Bringing up my children without any alimony from him isn't easy. Everyone asked me to ignore the payment as it was suppose to be his responsibilities to support the kids expenses but i don't think I can ignore. At this moment too many things on my mind and it really drives me nuts. But what I am gonna do is to forgive.
Divorce is horrible, painful and when children are involved, it become more difficult. You have every right to go on hating the one that caused you so much heartache and misery but the longer you do the deeper and the deeper your bitterness is going to dig and it is harder for you to move on. Forgiving your ex is the first step down a path to real healing even if my ex intention as he pledged is to see me crawl and suffer.

First, take a deep breath then pray. Pray Hard. Ask for strength because you are going to need it. Ask Him for comfort and mercy. Ask Him to help you forgive the way that He has forgiven you. This first step is very important and should not be left out. You must understand how important it is for you to forgive your ex no matter what he has done to you or how hard it may be. This process can take days, weeks, months, but it must be done.

First step for me to forgive:
Forgive myself for marrying him
Forgive myself for not making all the wrong choice
Forgive myself for getting a divorce
Forgive myself for making my kids grow up in a broken home
Forgive myself for putting up with the abuse for so long
Forgive myself for not being a wife he wanted
Forgive myself of anything and everything that makes me feel the tiniest bit of guilty.
Allah please have mercy on me. Please help me go through this misery I am going through right now. You are my Savior and you are my strength. Ameen.
From now on every time I think of a way that i were being hurt by my ex, every time I start to feel angry that my life is not what i expect it to be, or have any negative thoughts about my ex, I am gonna keep saying, "I forgive him for this and take a deep breath and think about something else. I will find a way to occupy my mind with something positive.
The point is to reinforce the fact that i have already forgiven him and insure that i am not dwelling on something that is gonna stir up more pain and cause me to reconsider my forgiveness.