Though I was on leave today, but had to wake up really early to settle something at the office. The thing need to be settled before 11. It has to be at RTM before 11 a.m. Managed to settle a couple of things by 9.40am..email out and off i rushed to the hospital for my first radiation therapy. Was kinda scared but mama use to tell me, there is no such thing as pain..it's all in your mind. My late mom used to remind this again and again " HE WHO CONQUERS HIS SPIRIT IS MIGHTIER THAN HE WHO TAKETH A CITY..AND ALWAYS REMEMBER ALLAH NEVER SLEEP NOT EVEN FOR A SECOND..HE LISTENS"
I need to do this on my own...without people that I love to be around. Not even my closest friend Nini. I don't mind having Nini during my routine check ups but while going thru the treatments, no matter how they hide the feelings, i know deep down these people will feel sorry for me and cried inside of them. In order for me NOT to break down, I have to go thru the treatment all by myself.
While waiting for 2pm, i sat the cafe with my lappy. I looked at my dad's photo, my kids, and Qel's photo to give me that strength. Stopped by at Nini's Tagged, looked at our photo
together and actually told her in my heart.." We are gonna build that house at Teluk Intan by the river...we will have that house". From 12.15pm, I was listening to the song "Can't help falling in love" by Michael Buble on a repeat mode...In my heart singing it to Qel.
In the beginning I told NIni never to tell Qel about my cancer. Afraid to lose him. He is a blessing from Allah. And since we are in a relationship now, I told Allah, I am gonna love him for the sake of Allah. And I know Allah gives the best and he is the best among all the guys I know. So a couple of days ago, I took the risk of telling him. The risk was a big one but I just don't have the heart to hide things from him. And so I told him...to my surprise, he said he is not gonna leave me and he is gonna be there for me..rain or shine.
Before 2pm, they already prepared me for the treatment. I had to change into the hospital gown...well the doctor already told me earlier that the treatment is not gonna hurt...but what is gonna hurt probably is the after effect. Thank God it was external radiation therapy. Dr M was really nice...I guess all doctors are nice. Their duty is to save lives. Hmmm...the procedure didn't take that long. But I was made to rest before time for me to go home.
Got back home around 6pm++. Text Qel and Nini...I asked Qel if he still loves me and would want to be with me, after knowing my real condition?..His answer really touched my heart. The SMS was very simple and short but the impact from his answer gave me a chill running through my spine.."By Allah's name, YES! Muuuaaahhhs".(The SMS I received..and knowing him, he doesn't just using Allah's name if he really didn't mean it)
I guess when Allah took my 2 friends that i truly love and adore for reasons i will never know(wish I knw)...He replaced with someone who would bring happiness into my life and his love has overcome the sadness in me for having to lose 2 of my best friends(well at least i know there were my best friends once upon a time and someday I hope and pray they will find a place in their heart to forgive me and tell me what I actually did wrong to them..i wish I know). Allah always does His miracle.
I am gonna write a story titled GOD REPLIED and I really hope whoever reads this part of the journal will not get upset of kinda sensitive. Read the message in the story , here goes :
GOD : HELLO DID YOU CALL ME?
ME : Called you? No ..... who is this?
GOD : THIS IS GOD. I HEARD IN YOUR PRAYERS. SO I THOUGHT I WILL CHAT
ME : I do pray. It makes me feel good. I am actually busy right now. I am in the midst of something
GOD : WHAT ARE U BUSY AT? ANTS ARE BUSY TOO
ME : Don't know but I can't find a free time. Life has become hectic. Its a rush
hour all the time.
GOD : SURE ACTIVITY GETS YOU BUSY. BUT PRODUCTIVITY GETS YOU
RESULT. ACTIVITY CONSUME TIMES AND PRODUCTIVITY FREES IT.
ME : I understand but I still can't figure it out. By the way, I wasn't expecting you
to buzz me on an Instant Messaging Chat.
GOD : WELL I WANTED TO RESOLVE YOUR FIGHT FOR TIME, BY GIVING YOU
CLARITY.
ME : Tell me why has life become complicated now?
GOD : STOP ANALYZING LIFE. JUST LIVE IT. ANALYZING IS MAKES IT
COMPLICATED
ME : Why are then constantly unhappy?
GOD : YOUR TODAY IS THE TOMORROW YOU WORRIED ABOUT YESTERDAY
YOU ARE WORRYING BECAUSE YOU ARE ANALYZING.WORRYING HAS
BECOME YOUR HABIT. THAT'S WHY YOU ARE NOT HAPPY.
ME : But can we not worry when life is full of uncertainty?
GOD : UNCERTAINTY IS INEVITABLE, BUT WORRYING IS OPTIONAL.
ME : But then there is so much pain due to uncertainty.
GOD : PAIN IS INEVITABLE, BUT SUFFERING IS OPTIONAL
ME : If suffering is an optional, then why is there so many good people suffer?
GOD : DIAMOND CANNOT BE POLISHED WITHOUT FRICTION. GOLD CANNOT B
PURIFIED WITHOUT FIRE.GOOD PEOPLE GO THROUGH TRIALS BUT
DON'T SUFFER. WITH THAT EXPERIENCE THEIR LIVES BECOME BETTER
AND NOT BITTER.
ME : YOu mean to say such experience is useful?
GOD : YES IN EVERY TERMS. EXPERIENCE IS A HARD TEACHER. SHE GIVES
THE TEST FIRST AND LESSONS AFTERWARDS.
ME : But still why would we go through the test? Why cant we be free from
problems?
GOD : PROBLEM ARE PURPOSEFUL ROADBLOCKS OFFERING BENEFICIAL
LESSONS TO ENHANCE MENTAL STRENGTH, INNER STRENGTH COMES
FROM STRUGGLE AND ENDURANCE , NOT WHN YOU ARE FREE OF
PROBLEMS.
ME : Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don't know where we are
heading
GOD : IF YOU LOOK OUTSIDE, U WILL KNOW WHERE YOU'RE HEADING
LOOK INSIDE.LOOKING OUTSIDE U WILL DREAM. LOOKING INSIDE, U
AWAKEN. EYES PROVIDE SIGHT. HEART PROVIDES INSIGHT.
ME : Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction.
What should I do?
GOD : SUCCESS IS MEASURE AS DECIDED BY OTHERS. SATISFACTION IS MEASURE AS
DECIDED BY YOU. KNOWING THE ROAD IN AHEAD IS MORE SATISFYING THAN
KNOWING YOU RODE AHEAD.YOU WORK WITH THE COMPASS.LET OTHERS
WORK WITH THE CLOCK.
ME : In tough time, how do you motivate?
GOD : ALWAYS LOOK AT HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME RATHER THAN HOW FAR YOU
HAVE TO GO. ALWAYS COUNT YOUR BLESSING..NOT WHAT YOU ARE MISSING
ME : What surprises you about people?
GOD : When they suffer, they asked "why me"?When They prosper, they never asked 'why
me?"Everyone wants to have truth on his side but few wants to be on the side of the
truth.
ME : Sometimes i asked who am I, why I am here, i cannot get the answer.
GOD : sEEK NOT TO FIND WHO U ARE, BUT DETERMINE WHO YOU WANT TO BE. STOP
LOOKING FOR A PURPOSE AS TO WHY YOU ARE HERE.CREATE IT. LIFE IS NOT
A PROCESS OF DISCOVERY BUT A PROCESS OF CREATION.
ME : HOw can I get the best of life/
GOD ; FACE YOUR PAST WITHOUT REGRET. HANDLE YOUR PRESENCE WITH
CONFIDENCE. PREPARE THE FUTURE WITHOUT FEAR.
ME : One last question. SOmetimes I feel prayers are not being answered?
GOD : THERE ARE NO UNANSWERED PRAYERS. SOMETIMES THE ANSWER IS NO
GOD : KEEP THE FAITH AND DROP THE FEAR.DON'T BELIEVE YOUR DOUBTS AND
DOUBT YOUR BELIEFS. LIFE IS A MYSTERY TO SOLVE AND NOT A PROBLEM TO
RESOLVE. TRUST ME. LIFE IS WONDERFUL IF YOU KNOW HOW TO LIVE.
THE MOST RELAXING RECREATING FORCES ARE A HEALTHY :
RELIGION, SLEEP, MUSIC AND LAUGHTER. HAVE FAITH IN GOD- LEARN TO SLEEP WELL- LOVE GOOD MUSIC - SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF LIFE- AND HEALTH AND HAPPINESS WILL BE YOURS
I need to do this on my own...without people that I love to be around. Not even my closest friend Nini. I don't mind having Nini during my routine check ups but while going thru the treatments, no matter how they hide the feelings, i know deep down these people will feel sorry for me and cried inside of them. In order for me NOT to break down, I have to go thru the treatment all by myself.
While waiting for 2pm, i sat the cafe with my lappy. I looked at my dad's photo, my kids, and Qel's photo to give me that strength. Stopped by at Nini's Tagged, looked at our photo
together and actually told her in my heart.." We are gonna build that house at Teluk Intan by the river...we will have that house". From 12.15pm, I was listening to the song "Can't help falling in love" by Michael Buble on a repeat mode...In my heart singing it to Qel.In the beginning I told NIni never to tell Qel about my cancer. Afraid to lose him. He is a blessing from Allah. And since we are in a relationship now, I told Allah, I am gonna love him for the sake of Allah. And I know Allah gives the best and he is the best among all the guys I know. So a couple of days ago, I took the risk of telling him. The risk was a big one but I just don't have the heart to hide things from him. And so I told him...to my surprise, he said he is not gonna leave me and he is gonna be there for me..rain or shine.
Before 2pm, they already prepared me for the treatment. I had to change into the hospital gown...well the doctor already told me earlier that the treatment is not gonna hurt...but what is gonna hurt probably is the after effect. Thank God it was external radiation therapy. Dr M was really nice...I guess all doctors are nice. Their duty is to save lives. Hmmm...the procedure didn't take that long. But I was made to rest before time for me to go home.
Got back home around 6pm++. Text Qel and Nini...I asked Qel if he still loves me and would want to be with me, after knowing my real condition?..His answer really touched my heart. The SMS was very simple and short but the impact from his answer gave me a chill running through my spine.."By Allah's name, YES! Muuuaaahhhs".(The SMS I received..and knowing him, he doesn't just using Allah's name if he really didn't mean it)
I guess when Allah took my 2 friends that i truly love and adore for reasons i will never know(wish I knw)...He replaced with someone who would bring happiness into my life and his love has overcome the sadness in me for having to lose 2 of my best friends(well at least i know there were my best friends once upon a time and someday I hope and pray they will find a place in their heart to forgive me and tell me what I actually did wrong to them..i wish I know). Allah always does His miracle.
I am gonna write a story titled GOD REPLIED and I really hope whoever reads this part of the journal will not get upset of kinda sensitive. Read the message in the story , here goes :
GOD : HELLO DID YOU CALL ME?
ME : Called you? No ..... who is this?
GOD : THIS IS GOD. I HEARD IN YOUR PRAYERS. SO I THOUGHT I WILL CHAT
ME : I do pray. It makes me feel good. I am actually busy right now. I am in the midst of something
GOD : WHAT ARE U BUSY AT? ANTS ARE BUSY TOO
ME : Don't know but I can't find a free time. Life has become hectic. Its a rush
hour all the time.
GOD : SURE ACTIVITY GETS YOU BUSY. BUT PRODUCTIVITY GETS YOU
RESULT. ACTIVITY CONSUME TIMES AND PRODUCTIVITY FREES IT.
ME : I understand but I still can't figure it out. By the way, I wasn't expecting you
to buzz me on an Instant Messaging Chat.
GOD : WELL I WANTED TO RESOLVE YOUR FIGHT FOR TIME, BY GIVING YOU
CLARITY.
ME : Tell me why has life become complicated now?
GOD : STOP ANALYZING LIFE. JUST LIVE IT. ANALYZING IS MAKES IT
COMPLICATED
ME : Why are then constantly unhappy?
GOD : YOUR TODAY IS THE TOMORROW YOU WORRIED ABOUT YESTERDAY
YOU ARE WORRYING BECAUSE YOU ARE ANALYZING.WORRYING HAS
BECOME YOUR HABIT. THAT'S WHY YOU ARE NOT HAPPY.
ME : But can we not worry when life is full of uncertainty?
GOD : UNCERTAINTY IS INEVITABLE, BUT WORRYING IS OPTIONAL.
ME : But then there is so much pain due to uncertainty.
GOD : PAIN IS INEVITABLE, BUT SUFFERING IS OPTIONAL
ME : If suffering is an optional, then why is there so many good people suffer?
GOD : DIAMOND CANNOT BE POLISHED WITHOUT FRICTION. GOLD CANNOT B
PURIFIED WITHOUT FIRE.GOOD PEOPLE GO THROUGH TRIALS BUT
DON'T SUFFER. WITH THAT EXPERIENCE THEIR LIVES BECOME BETTER
AND NOT BITTER.
ME : YOu mean to say such experience is useful?
GOD : YES IN EVERY TERMS. EXPERIENCE IS A HARD TEACHER. SHE GIVES
THE TEST FIRST AND LESSONS AFTERWARDS.
ME : But still why would we go through the test? Why cant we be free from
problems?
GOD : PROBLEM ARE PURPOSEFUL ROADBLOCKS OFFERING BENEFICIAL
LESSONS TO ENHANCE MENTAL STRENGTH, INNER STRENGTH COMES
FROM STRUGGLE AND ENDURANCE , NOT WHN YOU ARE FREE OF
PROBLEMS.
ME : Frankly in the midst of so many problems, we don't know where we are
heading
GOD : IF YOU LOOK OUTSIDE, U WILL KNOW WHERE YOU'RE HEADING
LOOK INSIDE.LOOKING OUTSIDE U WILL DREAM. LOOKING INSIDE, U
AWAKEN. EYES PROVIDE SIGHT. HEART PROVIDES INSIGHT.
ME : Sometimes not succeeding fast seems to hurt more than moving in the right direction.
What should I do?
GOD : SUCCESS IS MEASURE AS DECIDED BY OTHERS. SATISFACTION IS MEASURE AS
DECIDED BY YOU. KNOWING THE ROAD IN AHEAD IS MORE SATISFYING THAN
KNOWING YOU RODE AHEAD.YOU WORK WITH THE COMPASS.LET OTHERS
WORK WITH THE CLOCK.
ME : In tough time, how do you motivate?
GOD : ALWAYS LOOK AT HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME RATHER THAN HOW FAR YOU
HAVE TO GO. ALWAYS COUNT YOUR BLESSING..NOT WHAT YOU ARE MISSING
ME : What surprises you about people?
GOD : When they suffer, they asked "why me"?When They prosper, they never asked 'why
me?"Everyone wants to have truth on his side but few wants to be on the side of the
truth.
ME : Sometimes i asked who am I, why I am here, i cannot get the answer.
GOD : sEEK NOT TO FIND WHO U ARE, BUT DETERMINE WHO YOU WANT TO BE. STOP
LOOKING FOR A PURPOSE AS TO WHY YOU ARE HERE.CREATE IT. LIFE IS NOT
A PROCESS OF DISCOVERY BUT A PROCESS OF CREATION.
ME : HOw can I get the best of life/
GOD ; FACE YOUR PAST WITHOUT REGRET. HANDLE YOUR PRESENCE WITH
CONFIDENCE. PREPARE THE FUTURE WITHOUT FEAR.
ME : One last question. SOmetimes I feel prayers are not being answered?
GOD : THERE ARE NO UNANSWERED PRAYERS. SOMETIMES THE ANSWER IS NO
GOD : KEEP THE FAITH AND DROP THE FEAR.DON'T BELIEVE YOUR DOUBTS AND
DOUBT YOUR BELIEFS. LIFE IS A MYSTERY TO SOLVE AND NOT A PROBLEM TO
RESOLVE. TRUST ME. LIFE IS WONDERFUL IF YOU KNOW HOW TO LIVE.
THE MOST RELAXING RECREATING FORCES ARE A HEALTHY :
RELIGION, SLEEP, MUSIC AND LAUGHTER. HAVE FAITH IN GOD- LEARN TO SLEEP WELL- LOVE GOOD MUSIC - SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF LIFE- AND HEALTH AND HAPPINESS WILL BE YOURS
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