BEAUTIFUL MESS

I LOVE this song. I can't stop listening to it.

It reminds of this relationship I'm in... Been going on for what seems like forever and now in a happy place with the person. After all the crap you've been through, it's finally working out. In limbo... enjoying the moment, but can't wait to move forward. Kind of like: All that shit was and will be worth it. And that you're FINALLY getting there. Sort of like reassuring the other person.

It's also about the people involved...


You�ve got the best of both worlds
You�re the kind of girl who can take down a man then lift him back up again
You are strong but you�re needed, humble but you�re greeted
And based on your body language and shotty cursive I�ve been reading
You�re style is quite selective though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It�s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don�t mind my nerve you can call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they�re quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
There�s no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these words
I�m paraphrasing this relationship we�re staging

But it�s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It�s like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blames
And the kind and courteous is a life I�ve heard
But it�s nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are
Here we are

We're still here

And it�s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It�s like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words and priceless pictures
We�ll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that�s no concern when we�re wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today, oh the wait was so worth it

Life is Amazing will be more amazing for 2011

So...i was watching TV ad a lot of shows have a "what happened before" kind of recap

so.........

Turned 40 this year and pretty much had the worse time since then, got very sick in May then an amazing holiday and then relationship went sour, maid(s) ran away, kids got sick and didn't meet my target with my insurance career....ended up hating myself a lot and insanely confused, lost and depressed

BUT

then a friend came to my rescue YAY and now there are so many good new things in my life, i have a future....and plans and a smile again

I have cried, self harmed, got so wrecked i couldn't remember my name and seriously considered giving up on life ......but a new start while hard at first ALWAYS means new things and sure we may have liked the old things BUT they are gone.

And still have so much ahead of me , so many new things and so many new plans

And yeah i am crying as i write this but its ok because some part of me will always be sad that things didn't work out , but now i have a new life to be getting on with.

So a crazy, sad, depressed start to my 40th year of my life........but i am turning that around ^_^ and i know i there is a long hard road ahead of me, but i also know that this is one of the most pivotal and important years of my life.

The decisions i make now will be the basis of an amazing and beautiful life

And by the time i am 41 my life is going to be amazing.

So this is to everyone out there who has lost someone, or been fired or is just in a bad place right now, i know its scary and daunting and everywhere you look you just see problems you have not got the strength to handle right now. It will get better and you will find yourself and a life again.

And if you need someone , most of you know my mobile number and to those who do not know me but need someone to talk, can add me at YM ellieariffin@yahoo.com

HEAVEN -

“What good would wings be
if you couldn’t feel the wind on your face?
and
what good would life be
if you couldn’t meet love of your life?”

Simply love this song..and i mean really really love the lyric and the song...




Lyrics | Heaven lyrics

The Finest Thing on Earth is Trying to Understand Even If it Doesn't Make Sense.

You never know what to expect when it comes to love. You never know what to expect when it comes to life either. Life and love will always throw you curve balls, its up to you to either strike out or hit a home run.
Make sure you tell every one you love them for this very reson, No one can predict what tomorrow will bring. You just have to live for today. You never know who will walk into or out of your life tomorrow.
I wish I would of thought about this before i wanted to give up on everything. I know now that i cant live in the past or live for the future. Today could be my last day on this earth so I'll make the best of it. Yes, i do wish he was right here with me this very second but with time to come he will be.
We've had our whole lives planned out. I think that was our problem.Making the best of every situation we are dealt with is all we can do. We can't predict what each day will bring so we have to make the best of today and appreciate everything we have been given. This is not always and easy thing to do because there are times when we feel down and say why me, but we always find a way through it. I just have to stay strong and remember to cherish everyone and everything around me.

Big Day for ex hubby...congratulation

Today my ex husband's "Big Day"..he remarried. He only informed me and the kids last night and wanted me to tell the kids. Called my kids and told them the news but unfortunately my son didn't take it well. He burst out crying, sobbing uncontrollable which surprised me and my daughter. Until today he is still not taking it well. His father should have talked to them wayyyyy ...before he got married.

I told them that I am always gonna be their mommy and they will always be with me for as long as I am still alive. Never seen my son crying that way. Sat down with him the whole night explaining why his dad needs to get married and asking him to accept and respect his step mom. I remember when my mom passed away 14years ago, i was so afraid my dad would remarried. I was so afraid that another woman would take my mom's place. I was already 26 years old and yet i couldn't accept it until my dad said, "If there is 32 days in a month then i will get married then"..pheww...thank God There is only 31 days max in a month..lol.
But now as i get older, i understand things better...people do need a companion in their life. Someday my son and my daughter will understand and I really pray they will accept the step mom well. I don't want them to grow up having hatred in their heart. I am gonna teach them only to love..

See The Signs And Understand.....

Women can change without any signals or warnings - that could be the biggest challenge in any relationship of a man and a woman. However, sometimes you can sense the changes in her attitude and way of speaking. Her voice tone might turn a little cold, giving you that very unsettling and guilty feeling. Well, that is if you’re sensitive enough to sense it.
In any loving lasting relationship, women desire to be loved dearly, tenderly and be treated with much passion and respect, which sometimes men think they are a little too demanding. But it’s pretty much within their nature. Nevertheless, if we take some time to think the matter thoroughly, men and women don’t differ that much in terms of need, but rather in ways of seeking and processing those needs.

However, the most important part of the whole thing is meaning what you are saying and doing it sincerely with the intention to give her more love and happiness. Let it come from your heart, naturally.
“How are you today?” Sounds too simple? Better think again. As simple as it is, the impact can be tremendously heart warming. It shows that you really care about someone and you want to know that everything went well for the person. You should not restrict it to the above phrase; it can be any question regarding how the person is doing, whether it is about her job, the current event or her family.

“Honey, where are you now?”
If a woman starts to feel troubled by this question, then something is not right about the relationship. A typical woman looks at this question as a sign of care and love. A man who asked this to his lover shows that he cares for her and mainly also because he wants to know that she’s safe. However, you should not ask this too often because it could looks as if you’re a bit of a control freak.

“Where do you want to go for the holiday this time?” Actually, you don’t have to say this often. Nevertheless, this is one of the most favorable questions to women. You can do once every year, and by asking your partner ideas and opinions on the next vacation, your woman will feel greatly appreciated. More often than not, men like to make a decision on their own. So why don’t you make a change by asking her views sometimes. That naturally shows how important she is in your life.

Finding Joy in our life

Have you ever noticed that “hope”, when it finds its way into your heart, creates a flush of love, joy and a feeling of potential? And hope, I have found, is kind of sneaky.It doesn’t announce itself, advertise itself or promote itself. It seems to slide in the back door when we’re not looking. On the other side, when we’re not looking, we can stumble, fall, hurt ourselves, cry and fall into a well of sadness.

After recovering a wee bit, we may begin to long for calm, joy and happiness. It’s when we shut down our antennae – our guidance system – that we stop looking where we are going and rely on the opinions, ideas and agendas of others. I believe that is where we lose hope and joy: when we give up our own sense of inner knowing and self-trust as inside the lion a guidance system.Taking cues from others is great, but only if we have first made sure it fits our own sense of who we are. Hope is an amazing feeling. It holds within it joy, as well as happiness. And the miracle is that even if we have lost everything – house, security or loved ones – it can find its way to us.

Joy and hope, as a closely knit pair, come when we feel we are given a sparkling, brand new direction that fits our deepest inner self.

That new direction could come from a sentence in a book, a word from a friend, a thought out of the blue, a realization of a new way.

We become who we want to become, not from following others, but from following our own star.

Others have their own directions, their own paths that fit them perfectly. Each of us has a deep knowing of our true preferences, of what matches our vast, crazy, out-of-the box soul, of what fulfills our unique passions.

Even if we have family responsibilities and very little time to think about ourselves or our own ability to find jooy in the rush to care for our loved ones, we can still take time quietly at night as we fall asleep or wake up to observe what our deepest passions are.

Following up on these passions is the key: to take time somewhere in the routine to pick up the passion and discover its limitless power for us. When we hit that deep vein of gold in the ground, the power surge is worth our full attention.

Suddenly our stresses, cares, fears, uncertainties, disappointments, low self-esteem, relationship crises, you name it, pale into the background. The reason we don't find joy is just that we feel our true selves stir, like a caged lion ready to be let out. That lion in us understands it has responsibilities and fulfills them well. However, it has enormous, explosive potential to find joy waiting to be explored. This potential – when allowed to open, be fully recognized and enjoyed – becomes our star that guides us into our deepest joy.

HEaling myself from within..

You want to heal your life or at least parts of it, but have you ever wondered how it will affect others? Have you ever gone farther with this and wondered if your healing could heal him too? Or maybe it will chase him away?

I came to a place in my life when the desire for an extended journey inward called me so strongly, I couldn’t help but heed the call. So off I went, randomly choosing one of the roads that led within.

I soon found myself wondering if my man was noticing my growth which also came with “growing pains”. Would this change how he felt about me? I hoped of course he would feel better about me and about us. I hoped he would feel more connected to me.

But what if he felt threatened by it? What if my growth would make him feel uncomfortable, for wouldn’t my healing bring up things in him? And maybe these things would freak him out, causing him to abandon me in search of status quo.

These thoughts may have crossed my mind, but I wasn’t going to let it deter me, so I had to trust, in my own path and in him, that he would want to grow right along with me.

For the most part, your inner workings, the struggles, the triumphs go on inside you mostly unnoticed to the extent that no one will come to you and tell you that it seems as though you must be working on yourself.

The farther you venture inside YOU and weed out and release the “stuff” you no longer need nor serves you, the things that keep you from being the person you want to be, the woman you really are at heart, the greater are the chances that someone will see it and feel it, especially those close to you such as your man.

As You Heal Your Life, Your Partner May Notice New And Extended Moods( Hehehe my temporary mood swings- to my man, u know what i mean...I warned you already baby)

1. He might notice that you seem blue, a heaviness pervading you during a time when you are working to peel away a particularly nasty piece.
2. Or when you are immersed in intense introspection, some old painful blocks within may manifest outwardly as troubled and irritable or quiet and withdrawn or sad and gloomy or morose and pensive or just kind of off.
3. He WILL perceive a peacefulness enveloping you, a lightness following the relinquishing of that big, bad chunk.

The more you can release these layers, the more AMAZING you will feel, like a huge relief, like a big sigh but better, maybe more like an orgasm. A lovely calm will permeate you as a huge smile paints itself on your face and lovely energy pours out of you.

Your man will certainly feel the positive aspects as you heal, but it’s unlikely he will say much if anything at all about ANY of it. This might feel confusing to you. And it’s okay.

The More Deeply You Heal Your Life, The More You Need To:

* Talk about whatever arises in you with a close friend, a confidante, a coach, or a therapist. Women do very well, much better usually if there is someone on whom they can unload, use as a sounding board and/or as a support system.

* Journaling is an excellent tool as well though I suggest it as an adjunct.

* And when I feel ready, I will TELL him. Sound scary? It doesn’t have to be. I want to keep it simple though.

~ I will tell him that i feel introspective lately, disconnected maybe, whatever it is I feel.

~ I will tell him I am sorting things out within myself, that i want to dig out some “bad stuff”.

~ I will tell him I am working to open my heart up even more, as I let go of old habits.

~ I will tell him i don’t want him to think I am upset with him.

~ I will NOT outline my journey with him though.

It’s just NOT a good idea to share the details with your man. Men do not understand this work the way we do, for the most part. They think differently; they work things through differently though the end result can often appear much the same.

You’re more open and connected. That’s all he needs or wants to know. Not how you got there. Not what you uprooted. Not what you felt as you traveled through nor what you thought. He only wants to know the now.

And this frustrates many women, for most of us want to talk about it all, explain ourselves, go over every little item. Rather than allowing this be to a source of frustration, let it be, and go tell all to your best girlfriend.

When I became stronger within myself, more secure, felt safer, once the darker clouds lifted I did eventually tell my man what was going on with me.

I told him I had been having a tough time, digging down deeply, letting go of unneeded, unwanted “stuff” which had been interfering. I told him I had been working on releasing fears. And THAT’S ALL I told him. Any more than this, and a man’s eyes will start to glaze over.

So when you heal YOUR life, how does it effect HEALING in HIS?

Much of the male inner work is unconscious, often prompted by OUR INNER WORK. They DO tend to take our lead in this. When YOU heal YOUR life, you can heal him too. BUT you have to keep in mind that you cannot make him see or do anything. He will, or he won’t. If he comes along for the ride, great, but you CAN’T MAKE HIM.

Could this mean the end of your relationship? Sure, there is always that possibility, but ask yourself this, would you rather stifle your growth to accommodate another? I hope your answer is no.

You may grow apart. But IF the LOVE between you is strong, the connection DEEP, these elements tend to become more so.

There’s nothing for you to do. He can take your lead, and he likely will if you are closely bonded, but remember his process still won’t look anything like yours.

So by healing yourself you CAN facilitate HIS healing. Heal YOUR life. Heal HIM.

To get married or NOT to get married...*Sigh!!!

Everyone keep asking me this one particular question which i am trying my best to avoid"So when are you gonna get married?". The answer is "I dunno". Maybe because I have failed my first marriage. 2 days ago, i had a conversation with my dear friend Bard. I told him about my situation.
Getting married is once in a lifetime decision for many people. When people wish to get married, invariably all of them expect a full life together. Very few would think of marriage as a short-term exercise. Hence, it is very much necessary that all aspects of a life together be fully analyzed before tying the knot. Usually men and women tend to have different perspectives about married life. It would be better to have open and honest discussion to sort out the possible future irritants or at least understand them so that some sort of compromise could be arrived at.The reasons that a man looks at while desiring to marry her are innumerous. However, a few of them top the list in order of priority. For most men, the need of a woman in life is necessitated by the motherly love that he had received in his early life. He needs a woman who can show him the same love and who could fulfill his physical and emotional needs. That is why many men look for the same qualities in a woman that their mothers possess. The second reason is to have a lifetime companion, who can share his desires and needs. The third reason is love. When a man feels that he loves a particular woman, he wants to own her fully. This might appear to be a wrong reason but that is the way humans are made. Everybody likes to possess what he or she desires and human relationships are no different. In some cases, the man might marry a woman because she has become pregnant and is carrying his child. Certain men wish to marry a woman who is having the same career as his, so that they would be able to adapt to each other better. It is quite usual for a doctor to marry a doctor and a lawyer to marry a lawyer. They would be able to understand the work pattern and the workload of each other. However, few others are very particular that the woman is having a different profession, so that their interests do not clash. This choice depends on the outlook of the individual.
Men marry women for these reasons:

• The wish to continue the motherly love received in childhood.
• Desire to have a lifetime companion.
• The love the man has for the woman.
• The woman having become pregnant by him.
• To have a woman who has a similar career for easier adaptability

And women marry men simply for these reasons:

• Wish to escape from parents.
• Desire to have a lifetime companion.
• Love for the man.
• Having become pregnant by the man.
• To have a man having a similar career for easier adaptability.

The reasons for getting married are quite obvious. On the other hand, the reasons for not getting married are much more complicated. In fact, it would be difficult to mention reasons for not getting married. However, the reasons for a marriage becoming a failure could be discussed with more ease. There are several jokes about marriage but nearly all of them are at the expense of the woman. There should be some strong reasons for that. Probably, the main reasons are the innumerable needs that women have that drain the purse of a man and the continuous nagging that women indulge in after marriage. One joke says that a successful man is one who can make more money than his wife spends but a successful woman is one who finds such a man. Many women tend to nag the men too much after marriage. They try to compare their husbands with other men who are more successful in life, which is resented by the husbands. Wives also tend to give free advice to men as to what they should and should not do, which is also not liked by many men.

Tribute To my Beloved Mama

14 years have passed by, and I still miss my mom more than anything and anyone in this world. Mama, I wish you are here with me right now. I can't wait to be reunited with you again. If Allah ask me for just one wish, I wish i have you back with me.

Sometimes there's a time you must say goodbye
Though it hurts you must learn to try
I know I've got to let you go
But I know anywhere you go
You'll never be far
'Coz like the light of a bright star
You'll keep shining in my life
You're gonna be right

Here in my heart
That's where you'll be
You'll be with me
Here in my heart
No distance can keep us apart
Long as you're here in my heart

Won't be any tears falling from these eyes
'Coz when love's true love never dies
It stays alive forever
Time can't take away what we have
I will remember our time together
You might think our time is through
But I still have you

Here in my heart
That's where you'll be
You'll be with me
Here in my heart
No distance can keep us apart
Long as you're here in my heart

I know you'll be back again
And 'till then
My love is waiting

Here in my heart
That's where you'll be
You'll be with me
Here in my heart
No distance can keep us apart
Long as you're here in my heart

LOVE YOU MAMA..ALWAYS AND FOREVER......
Your Loving Daughter
*Girl*

5 Reasons On Why Does Allah Test Us

This is a topic which i always love to discuss. Most people think that when Allah test someone with hardship, its because that person has so much sin and under punishment. But actually it's the other way round. I am not saying this because I am going through test after test. Yes I am going through a lot in my life. Even as it is now, I am battling with my bone cancer and on top of that i have to work really hard to bring up my 2 kids and taking care of my dad who is 75years old..no maids, had to give up my car..and more actually. But there is never a day i live my life without a sincere genuine smile on my face. Why and how come? Because I know, when Allah test me this way, it means He loves me. He doesn't want me to forget Him not even a second of my life and as long as I patiently go through His test without a sigh...bit by bit my sins will be wipe out. At least when I go back "HOME"(hereafter)..my weighing scale will be lighter on the left side. Ameen.
The most dangerous test is when one is tested with Wealth because money always make human forgets. Here are 5 reasons on why does Allah test us.

Allah tests His believing servants with various types of crises and disasters in order to:

1) Reveal the Patient from the Impatient:

وَلَنَبْلُوَنَّكُمْ بِشَيْءٍ مِنَ الْخَوْفِ وَالْجُوعِ وَنَقْصٍ مِنَ الْأَمْوَالِ وَالْأَنْفُسِ وَالثَّمَرَاتِ ۗ وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَالَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَتْهُمْ مُصِيبَةٌ قَالُوا إِنَّا لِلَّهِ وَإِنَّا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ

أُولَـٰئِكَ عَلَيْهِمْ صَلَوَاتٌ مِنْ رَبِّهِمْ وَرَحْمَةٌ ۖ وَأُولَـٰئِكَ هُمُ الْمُهْتَدُونَ

“And certainly, We shall test you with a bit of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits. But give glad tidings to the patient ones who, when afflicted with a calamity, say: “Truly! To Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.” They are those upon whom are the blessings, descend from their Lord, and they receive His Mercy, and it is they who are guided.” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:155-157)

وَمِنَ النَّاسِ مَنْ يَعْبُدُ اللَّهَ عَلَىٰ حَرْفٍ ۖ فَإِنْ أَصَابَهُ خَيْرٌ اطْمَأَنَّ بِهِ ۖ وَإِنْ أَصَابَتْهُ فِتْنَةٌ انْقَلَبَ عَلَىٰ وَجْهِهِ خَسِرَ الدُّنْيَا وَالْآخِرَةَ ۚ ذَٰلِكَ هُوَ الْخُسْرَانُ الْمُبِينُ

“And among mankind is he who worships Allah as if he were upon the very edge (i.e. in doubt); if good befalls him, he is content with it;. But if a trial befalls him, he turns back on his face. He loses both this World and the Hereafter. That is the evident loss.”(Surah al-Haj 22:11)

“So, it is a must for the souls to be nurtured by way of tests, and to be severely tested during the course of the battle between truth and falsehood with fear and hardship, and with hunger and decrease in wealth and life and fruits. This testing is a necessity so that the believer can give his share of what his belief requires; so that it becomes dear to him in accordance with that he gives for its sake of sacrifice and burden; so that it becomes dear to him in accordance with what he is willing to give for its sake! The bearers of worthless beliefs that do not require any type of sacrifice will not hesitate to abandon their beliefs at the first sign of hardship. So, the burden here is the personal price that one pays so that this belief becomes dear and valuable in the hearts of its bearers before it becomes dear to the hearts of anyone else. Whenever they experience pain for its sake, and every single time they are forced to give something up for its sake, it becomes even dearer and more valuable to them, and they become even more honored with it. With this, nobody else will realize its value until they see how its bearers are tested because of it and how patient they are upon such tests.”

(’Fi Dhilal al-Qur’an’; 1/145)

2) Remove Our Sins and Reward the Righteous:

فَلَمَّا بَلَغَ مَعَهُ السَّعْيَ قَالَ يَا بُنَيَّ إِنِّي أَرَىٰ فِي الْمَنَامِ أَنِّي أَذْبَحُكَ فَانْظُرْ مَاذَا تَرَىٰ ۚ قَالَ يَا أَبَتِ افْعَلْ مَا تُؤْمَرُ ۖ سَتَجِدُنِي إِنْ شَاءَ اللَّهُ مِنَ الصَّابِرِينَفَلَمَّا أَسْلَمَا وَتَلَّهُ لِلْجَبِينِ

وَنَادَيْنَاهُ أَنْ يَا إِبْرَاهِيمُقَدْ صَدَّقْتَ الرُّؤْيَا ۚ إِنَّا كَذَٰلِكَ نَجْزِي الْمُحْسِنِينَإِنَّ هَـٰذَا لَهُوَ الْبَلَاءُ الْمُبِينُوَفَدَيْنَاهُ بِذِبْحٍ عَظِيمٍ

“And, when he was old enough to walk with him, he said: “O my son! I have seen in a dream that I am slaughtering you, so what do you think?” He said: “O my father! Do that which you are commanded, if Allah Wills, you will find me to be of the patient.” Then, when they had both submitted, and he had laid him prostrate on his forehead, and We called out to him: “O Ibrahim! You have fulfilled the dream!” Verily! Such do We reward the good-doers.” (Surah as-Saffat :102-7)

Sa’ad bin Abi Waqqas reported that he asked the Messenger of Allah (SAW): “Which of the people are tested most severely?” Rasulullah (SAW) replied: “The Prophets, then the righteous, then those who are most like them, then those who are most like them from the people. A man is tested according to his religious commitment. So, if his religious practice is sound, then his testing is increased, and if his religious practice is weak, then his testing is reduced. A servant continues to be tested until he walks the Earth without a single sin on him.” (Ahmad, Tirmidhi)

3) Purify the Ranks and Distinguish the Righteous from the Wicked:

مَا كَانَ اللَّهُ لِيَذَرَ الْمُؤْمِنِينَ عَلَىٰ مَا أَنْتُمْ عَلَيْهِ حَتَّىٰ يَمِيزَ الْخَبِيثَ مِنَ الطَّيِّبِ ۗ وَمَا كَانَ اللَّهُ لِيُطْلِعَكُمْ عَلَى الْغَيْبِ وَلَـٰكِنَّ اللَّهَ يَجْتَبِي مِنْ رُسُلِهِ مَنْ يَشَاءُ ۖ فَآمِنُوا بِاللَّهِ وَرُسُلِهِ ۚ وَإِنْ تُؤْمِنُوا وَتَتَّقُوا فَلَكُمْ أَجْرٌ عَظِيمٌ

“Allah will not leave the believers in the state in which you are now until He distinguishes the wicked from the good.” (Surah Al ‘Imrân 3:179)

أُولَـٰئِكَ الَّذِينَ حَبِطَتْ أَعْمَالُهُمْ فِي الدُّنْيَا وَالْآخِرَةِ وَمَا لَهُمْ مِنْ نَاصِرِينَ

“And when the believers saw the Confederates, they said: “This is what Allah and His Messenger had promised us, and Allah and His Messenger had spoken the truth,” and it only added to their faith and submissiveness.” (Surah Ahzaab 33:22)

“Allah might make easy the affairs of the people of evil so that they may increase in sin and corruption, and so that they might increase in their buildup of sins and crimes. Then, he may deal with them in this World or the Hereafter – depending on His Wisdom and Decision – on account of this sinister buildup of deeds! On the other hand, He may also prevent them from ease so that they would increase in evil and sin and crimes and suffocation, eventually losing hope in the Mercy of Allah, resulting in an increase in their buildup of evil and misguidance. Likewise, Allah can make easy the affairs of the people of good so that they may become established in their righteous actions and carry out as much of them as they can while increasing in their sustenance, so that they may thank Him for these blessings with their hearts, tongues, and pleasant actions. With all of this, they increase in a buildup of good deeds that they rightfully deserve with Allah because of their righteousness and because of the good that Allah Knows is in their hearts. On the other hand, he may also prevent them from ease in order to observe their patience upon this state, as well as their confidence and hope in their Lord, their relaxation at the realization of His Power, their being pleased with Him as their only Lord – and He is better than all others – resulting in an increase in their buildup of good.”

(Fi Dhilal al-Qur’an)

4) Emphasize the Hardships of This World in Comparison to the Hereafter:

تَبَارَكَ الَّذِي بِيَدِهِ الْمُلْكُ وَهُوَ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدِيرٌالَّذِي خَلَقَ الْمَوْتَ وَالْحَيَاةَ لِيَبْلُوَكُمْ أَيُّكُمْ أَحْسَنُ عَمَلًا ۚ وَهُوَ الْعَزِيزُ الْغَفُورُ

“Blessed is He in Whose Hand is the kingdom, and He is Able to do all things. The One Who has created death and life in order to test you and see which of you is best in deed, and He is the All-Mighty, the Oft-Forgiving.” (Surah al-Mulk 67:1-2)

5) Expose the Reality of the Human Being:

إِنَّا خَلَقْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ مِنْ نُطْفَةٍ أَمْشَاجٍ نَبْتَلِيهِ فَجَعَلْنَاهُ سَمِيعًا بَصِيرًاإِنَّا هَدَيْنَاهُ السَّبِيلَ إِمَّا شَاكِرًا وَإِمَّا كَفُورًا

“Verily, We have created man from drops of mixed semen in order to test him, so We made him hearer, seer. Verily, We showed him the way, so he is either grateful or ungrateful.” (Surah al-Insan 76: 2-3)

إِنَّا جَعَلْنَا مَا عَلَى الْأَرْضِ زِينَةً لَهَا لِنَبْلُوَهُمْ أَيُّهُمْ أَحْسَنُ عَمَلًا

“Verily, We have made that which is on earth as an adornment for it so that We may test them as to which of them are best in deeds.” (Surah al-Kahf 18:7)

وَهُوَ الَّذِي جَعَلَكُمْ خَلَائِفَ الْأَرْضِ وَرَفَعَ بَعْضَكُمْ فَوْقَ بَعْضٍ دَرَجَاتٍ لِيَبْلُوَكُمْ فِي مَا آتَاكُمْ ۗ إِنَّ رَبَّكَ سَرِيعُ الْعِقَابِ وَإِنَّهُ لَغَفُورٌ رَحِيمٌ

“And it is He Who has made you generations after generations, replacing each other on the earth. And He has raised you in ranks – some above others – that He may test you in that which He has bestowed on you. Surely, your Lord is Swift in retribution, and certainly He is Oft*-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Surah al-An’am 6:165)

A human being is tested so that he may come to know the reality of himself and others. Life is consists of constant testing; testing with what is bad, or testing with what is good. However, what is best for the believer may be found in what he hates, and what is bad for him may be found in what he likes. The true believer is the one who loves that which Allah has chosen for him. So, if He tests him with something that he loves, he thanks Him, and if He tests him with that which he hates, he is patient and thanks Him in this case, as well. And Allah – the Glorified – gives the believer in accordance with what will lead to his happiness in either this World or the next. So, if it is better for him to have something, Allah gives it to him. If it is better for him not to have something, Allah prevents him from having that thing, just as one who is sick is prevented from too much food or water. Therefore, it is upon a person to completely submit to Allah – the Glorified – in regards to what He has chosen for him, and to be pleased with what Allah has given him, and to understand that if Allah prevents him from something, then it is because Allah wishes to save him from being tested with that thing.

Unforgetable

“I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and gasps “Oh look at that!” Then — whoosh, and I’m gone… and they’ll never see anything like it ever again… and they won’t be able to forget me — ever.”

—	~ Jim Morrison

Some people mean more to us than others. There is no rhyme or reason as to why one person should or does mean more. It just is. People glide in and out of our lives, some quickly, some after long periods of time. Some people are like light breezes, sweeping in and out of our lives barely disturbing anything. These people can be easy to forget. Some people, however, are like hurricanes, ripping in and out of our lives leaving a path of destruction behind them. Hurricanes leave an imprint of themselves in everything they touch, integrating themselves into our lives and making it impossible to forget them.
I don't think the length of time you know a person effects how much you miss them when they leave you. I think you can fall in love with someone you hardly know and love them just as much as someone you've known your entire life. I think some people draw you in to them like a moth to flame and it doesn't always make sense, but some people just touch you (even without actually touching you) in ways that no one else can. I think at some point in our lives almost everyone leaves us whether it be by choice or by death (which can also sometimes be a choice but usually is not). There are few that will or can stay with us forever...but the important ones never really leave our minds and our hearts and the memory of them stays long after they are gone.
So how do you forget the unforgettable? Some people are unforgettable and we like it that way...there are some people we wouldn't want to forget. But what if this person, this hurricane, hurt us so badly we can't help but want to forget. We wish we could purge this person from our mind, from our body, from our soul. We would do anything to move past it, to forget this person even existed in our lives.
But how can you forget the pain and destruction? And by forgetting, aren't you risking the loss of all the good memories? Because let's face it...most people leave us with good and with bad. Of course, there are some people who touch our lives and bring only bad, but most people bring good and bad into our lives and by trying to forget the bad, aren't we depriving ourselves of the good?

The person concerned..i know you're gonna kill me!

HL Customer service : "Good Morning Mr X...let tell you how u can lose weight. But first of all let me introduce u to a lovely dedicated amoy to help you through out this program...and i will guarantee you that in one month you will have your ideal weight sir"

Im sooooooooo gonna die for writing this particular entry.This particular entry is specially specially specially dedicated to a very dear friend of mine whom i will not mention the name but i know when you read this entry you will know it's for you and FYI...this journal is just for fun and in a way, I just want to "friendly annoying" you la..hik hik hik...

The story goes like this..every morning you'd wake up having a "choo choo train heart beat " can't wait to see your darling Amoy

for your daily A.M. shot of "juice amoy" (I mean the herbal life concoction which specially prepared by the sexy short skirt amoy)with different flavour and with the sweetest smile on the amoy's face..."Good Morling Mr X!Tolay i mix for you vely special juice mixture of strawbelly, coffee and chocolate"Hoping that you will be from this size (I didn't say it but you did..lol)and somehow...maybe..just maybe.....

you will be somewhere somehow to this 6 pack hunk.....not exactly 6 pack la but...something like
But in the process of getting yourself to the shape above, your favourite amoy said.."Tolay arrr..Mr X, you dlink lots of waler leh. Tolay i blend blend nice juice for you leh but later arr you dlink big tumbler of waler leh.." So you my dearest dearest friend had to starve yourself until lunch lorr but only "dlink waler" lorrr... So poor guy just have to listen to his beloved amoy and drink God knows how many liter of water before he can eat his lunch.
Because he has to drink lots and lots of water after drinking "Juice Amoy" aka blended herbal life by his favourite amoy...each time he has to go to the site to check on the big trees, he has to do a couple of stops and make a confession to the poor trees
What did he confess to the tree? Well after drinking gallons of H2O...yeah you guess it right..like the male cat..he has to do territory marking(Im soooooooo dead....heheheh)This is how he marks the tree....hik hik hik hik...

After a few marking of the trees, then only he feels lighter and relax. His expression after that...
Then he will always text me...and said how delicious the juice he had despite having to go thru the "torturous tree marking" moments. But each time he text me to tell me about the good taste of that "Juice Amoy", I will temp him with the description of wonderful food that i had like...

My Breakfast...pancakes with Maple Syrup
My Lunch

My Noon Snack

And my lovely dinner...

And he will start saying.."yyyoooouuuu....im gonna strangle you"...hik hik hik hik... but despite having me as his craziest friend who temp him with all kind of lovely fattening killing food....he said...having this amoy blending the juice for me...there is no turning back
So with that i will end my story....if in 2 weeks no updates on my blog...consider I got hung on a huge tree with my leg up and head down and peed as a territory marking with a note "Mr so and so was here"....LOL LOL LOL...

THE END

I REALLY WISH THERE IS NO TIKI FARM

Once upon a time when there was NO Tiki Farm but there was this Helicopter..and now.....

Serious serious i really wish Stupid Tiki Farm doesn't exist...it's really hard to make you understand or feel what I am feeling now...I have to keep climbing the ladder to you but there are like too many obstacles. :( Reaching to my destination almost seems impossible...*sigh!.. Maybe someday when u lose me, then only will you listen...

Tiki Farm started when it was supposed to be for you and me but then now its for you and some strangers...it really suck big time...right now really want to be in my AIR TIGHT NUMB COCOON.
We help people when big things happen to them, when you see them getting hit by a car, when a brother or a sister or a father or a mother dies, we’re there for them because we can see that death kills more than the person it takes. And yet, the people around us who die a little all the time, moment by moment, who require the least help, the smallest sacrifice, are the ones we ignore completely.

True Friends?????

In my life, i have met a lot of people whom i considered as friends and along the way I have lost many too. 90% didn't give me a reason for their departure. A good friend may not share every detail of every second of their life but they do try to be clear about their intentions. This means they tried to present an accurate picture of who they are and of different situations. When something doesn't seem right, they let you know.

A true friend won't try to steal your boyfriend, your job or your PERSONALITY. They won't even gossip about you or try to damage your reputation. But unfortunately most people's favorite past time is gossiping. If only they know the damage they might be doing to the person concerned even if the gossip might be false. This is because people has the tendency to accept gossips at face value and seldom investigate the truth behind it.

When we talk about loyalty..hmm...this quality in a friend....? Hard to find these days. There are few but too few to mention. But I can say few friends like my schoolmates, my MAS batch mates and a few others. How to know if friends are loyal in the friendship? Well, basically a true friend will stick with you when your new play flop, when you bomb KL tower or when your status changed from "married" to "DIVORCE". And no matter where you go, they'll do their best to stay in touch. Heheeh thanks to Facebook, I can stay in touch with my school friends after ages of lost contact.

Anyway, I was deeply heartbroken by a great friend and my mentor. I felt betrayed, stabbed in the back and was shocked, hurt and astounded. I really shouldn't have been surprised. If I had thought about all the times I felt little ouches when I was with her, how insecure I would feel at times and how careful I was at other times, then I would have known this wasn’t a true friend. Instead I focused on the fun factor of our friendship and I didn’t give the quality of our friendship enough attention. Looking back at it, all the signs were there.
Starting at the earliest age, we desire the feeling of being accepted, loved and appreciated. We enjoy the adventure, the comfort and the companionship that friendship offers. With true friends we grow and blossom, we are encouraged to show up as our best selves as we enrich each others lives.With toxic friends we wither, sometimes knowingly other times unknowingly, but regardless the deteriorating effect is still the same. They are friends who i consider "Toxic friends".

Some of the example of toxic friends are like "The manipulator". The manipulator is often stealthy. We don’t tend to see it right away until smack it happens again. They have countless tactics too many to mention, the best way to recognize them is when you feel yourself coerced into responding in away that just doesn’t feel right. And there is also what i call "The Judger". This one i get a lot. The judger just can’t help but judge and criticize us. “You would look great with an age appropriate hairstyle don’t you think?” “I love your home, there so much potential here I know exactly how I would decorate it.” These guys can find fault in anything you do. It’s as though you just can’t do anything right. When it’s done in a joking tone it may be a bit harder to identify....hehehe sometimes when I'm around these type of friends, i would just smile but deep in my heart, I would say "Need to buy you a huge mirror beb".
There is this one type of friend that i have a lot too. I call these people "The Competitor". Why do I call them "The Competitor?" Well "the Competitor" will compete with you even when you’re not competing. If you decide to run a 5k they can’t wait to tell you about how they signed up for a marathon. When you mention you’re your weekend getaway they tell you about their plan for a two week vacation in Tahiti in their beautiful over-water bungalow with panoramic views and fresh exotic fruits. (This one..really annoying..serious serious...I got a few actually).
How about "The Gossiper" (no not the whisperer but the gossiper). This one like i mentioned earlier. "The Gossiper"is more malicious than the average person who periodically finds them self in a bit of gossip. Gossip appears to be the only thing they are interested in and they enjoy exaggeration and little lies to liven up the drama. This can be a disastrous recipe. The Gossiper can destroy relationships, and even compromise your job and reputation. Stay clear of this one because remember, one who always gossips to you about others will gossip to others about you and you won’t know what exaggerations or lies are being added.
The next one is the one that I am a sucker to..."The Opportunist". All they do is “take, take, take.” There is no reciprocity in this relationship. They tend to call you when they need or want something. They’ll go to your party if there isn’t a “better” event happening that night. It’s all about what’s in it for them.
What's next? Let me see..(*putting on my thinking cap)..oh yeah..hehehe there is also the "Energy Vampire". No they are not the vampire like the one Christopher Lee acted as Count Dracula. "The Energy Vampire" is self-absorbed and zaps our energy as they go on-and-on endlessly about themselves. When you leave them you feel exhausted.
And last but not least, "The Negative Paulie"..who is Paulie? Haven't got a clue. Just a name i picked from the Yellow pages..lol. Anyway about "The Negative Paulie"..he or she is a downer, all is wrong in their world. They are pessimistic and resistant. They only want to hear what’s wrong in your life and they tend to get bored or change the subject when you mention your successes or happiness.
Basically 60% of people i met are as I mentioned. Fortunately, I managed to get rid 74%(don't asked me how i got the 74% la)of the above type of people in my life. With my sickness, I really need to be positive 110%(again don't asked why 110% not 120%) all the time.

Sometimes I do face "The lousiest day " too

I just have to dedicate this particular song to myself. It is by Boyz II Men (So Amazing). At this moment, only God knows what I am going through. Even as I am writing this particular entry, i just can't help but sobbing my heart out. I just have to cry it out so that after I am done with my crying I can detached this particular emotion that i am feeling right now and get ready to face a new day with a new happy emotion. So Elina, this song is specially dedicated to you.
Oh, ooh, oh yes
When you're life's walk
Can't see the light of day
And your hope is gone
When you second-guess your faith
When you turn around
And realize that no one else
Will believe in you only yourself
When you're holding on
Can't find a will to breathe
Can you right the wrong?
That has brought you to your knees
Though you've barely lived your life
You keep on believing you'll survive
And all that's left is what's inside

Amazing
I have heard my inner voice
And finally can rejoice
I was lost and way down
Never thought that I would be
Amazing but now I'm free

So you let go of love
that's holding on
And you close your eyes
Never thought of being wrong
And you surrendered half your life
To a world of pain and sacrifice
But through it all, through it all
You make things right

Desperate (oh so desperate)
So confined (so confined)
Every day (oh) losing
touch (losing touch)
of my mind
(Of my mind, oh)
I found that strength
(So I found that strength)
In my pride
(And I've gave my pride)
Isn't it crazy, so amazing
I'm alive

Where do we go when.....

Where do we go when were scared, do we hide or do we stand up and be strong, where do we go when were broken and beat down, when all we hear are the voices screaming in our little ears, where do we go when these voices get closer and closer, do we sit in the corner while crying for help in the dark, where do we go when all the smallest of things become big and surround us, surround us like all the little demons in my head, where do we go when we feel like the walls of all our little worlds come crashing in on us, where do we go when there's no passion in anybodies heart, when no one feels love, where do we go when everyone feels depression, when everybody's hurt and walking with there heads down, where do we go, what is to become of everyone.

Being a single mom...

Again, my back door neighbor's maid has done it again. She managed to convince my new maid to leave. All my next door neighbors have problem with their maids because of this particular maid behind our house. So now it's been a week i have no maid helping me out. Being a working single mom is tough....and without maid is even tougher. But i am not gonna sit and cry because I know I am under Allah's protection. Knowing that itself has given me the peace of mind.
Many men would have this funny thought when it comes to single mom or divorcee. LOL their mind would generate this animal instinct (NOT SAYING ALL MEN YEAH but 50% would).Even some mothers when they know that their son dates a divorcee, they freak out. Actual fact its not easy doing what we're doing because we wear so many hats that we sometimes get confuse ourselves. We sometimes have to listen to how others view you like "Oh she is so bossy, oh she is so dominant and oh she is so strong but what they don't see is that at times we get weak too but master the art of keeping it out of view. When is forced to come into anything harder, we are forced to be role of father and mother.

Now that i am "maidless", I am forced to be everything and hiding my tears. I will sleep at 3 in the morning and by 5.15am i have to wake up and do the laundry, prepare breakfast for my kids, mop and vacuum which need to be done daily because my son is asthmatic, the house need to be extremely clean. And by 8.30 am i have to be at work. And from 1-2pm, i would switch off the office lights when every one is out for lunch, i would creep under my desk and take a nap..everyday i would do this.
I have to be strong. Despite having cancer, i still managed to do 2 jobs during day time just to put food on the table for my kids as i don't get alimony from my ex for the kids, and alternate night having to attend night class w
hich finishes almost 11pm, and by the time I reached home, i will have to prepare school stuff for my kids so that it will be easy for them the next day. But above all this..i enjoy every bit of my life. So to Allah, "Thank you, I'm sorry. please forgive me, I love you" ( this is what I chant every morning when I wake up and before I go to sleep).
At this moment I wish my mom is still around. I need her to hug me and tell me that I will be ok. :( (sobbing)

I Learn to Detach....I have PEACE

I love every single bit of my life despite all the experience i have had since I was at a very young age. Those experiences have made me a wiser person. Problems are a not a problem actually if we look at it from a positive point of view. People always worry about things which are not there. They always worry about the future instead of the present. Whereas in actual fact, the root of future problems usually lies in the present.
And a lot of people also worry about the problem in the past. I always remind myself, the past will always be the past. Every day at midnight, "YESTERDAY" will hugged and waved goodbye to me and vowed to never come back into my life. In the past 41years..i have had 14965 "yesterdays" and none ever came back.
When we have worries and problems going around in our mind, we feel like there is a heavy weight holding us down. Sometimes, these mental problems build up slowly and we are not even aware of how much we are struggling to carry around. We can also feel powerless to deal with what we have.
Often the mind creates imaginary problems. It speculates on people’s motives and attitudes towards us, even on the flimsiest of evidence we build up fearful situations. These mental speculations are usually wrong, but, they can take up a lot of negative energy and make our mind feel cluttered.If we seek to make others miserable how can we expect to be happy ourselves? If we offer goodwill to other people this creates a powerful positive energy. Focusing on other people’s good qualities can definitely help improve our own state of mind.

God has always been so kind to me..Love You My Lord

When you know, when you really know the sovereignty of God over all things- seen and unseen, when you are able to confess Him as the Supreme Ruler of all things, and to confess that He is your God and you are His possession, then at that point, you are the happiest people. You could not get any happier.

When things sometimes go sooooooo wrong, always have faith in God that everything is gonna be OK. At a time in which the Muslims are beset with trials from every periphery, it is a time when Muslims should continue being Muslims, only better Muslims. I would say to my dear brothers and sisters in Islam "don’t be Sad"; if you are on the true religion – believing in One God and all the Messengers sent to mankind, then don’t be sad. Let me tell a story about God's presence.
Last week, I accidentally spilled Milo on my bestfriend's laptop while at her house. Its all because of a cat. I know how much the prophet loved cat but I just don't know how to favor cats..let it be Persian or normal breed. But I don't know why, the more I don't fancy them, the more they come to me. Last Wednesday night, my internet was barred and my niece has asked for a special favor for her project which she needed it rather urgently. She wanted Qel & I to do her a banner. So i had no choice but to rush to Nini's house to use her WiFi as I needed to be online with Qel to get the banner ready.
Around 2.30am, Nini made milo and supper for my sahur. One of her cats followed her into her room and started playing at my leg. I kept brushing it away but it kept coming to me. Just as I was doing the banner with Qel, suddenly it jumped onto my lap. I guess you can imagine my reaction at that moment. Yes, I jumped,pushed the table and screamed. Then I heard Nini said.."Ellie....my laptoppppp!!". The milo spilled on it and caused it to shut down. Took wet towel and started to wipe the laptop. It just wont start.
I can see Nini was really sad because that laptop was her birthday present from her daughter a few months ago. I told her I would get her a new one. (though deep in my heart, i know i don't have enough cash as this month i have a lot of things to pay). I brought the laptop back home to get advice from my Technical officer for my next action.

After my Fajr prayer, I confessed to Allah things He already knew. I told Him that i need to replace my friend's laptop but I don't know where to get the extra cash. At that time, I asked Him sincerely and I really trust Him that He will help me. Just like our Prophet (pbuh) said: "Verily, if Allah loves a people, He makes them go through trials. Whoever is satisfied, for him is contentment, and whoever is angry upon him is wrath." [Tirmidhi].Just after I asked Him that, I was able to sleep peacefully knowing I have passed my problem to Allah the Almighty.
Yesterday, after 4 days, i tried to switch on the laptop...guess what...wallllaaaa!!!! Its working ...as good as new.That is the power of having faith in Him.
By leaving your affairs to Allah, by depending on Him, by trusting in His promise, by being pleased with His decree, by thinking favourably of Him, and by waiting patiently for His help, you reap some of the greater fruits of faith. When you incorporate these qualities, you will be at peace concerning the future, because you will depend on your Lord for everything. As a result, you will find care, help, protection and victory.
For those who are afflicted with disaster, glad tidings await them: so remain patient and happy with your Lord. "He cannot be questioned as to what He does, while they will be questioned." (Qur'an 21:23)
When Allah, the Exalted takes something away from you, He compensates it with something better, but only if you are patient and seek His reward.Truly, He is near when supplicated: He hearswhen is called and He answers when He is invoke, so humble yourself before Him and ask of Him sincerely. Repeat His beautiful names and mention Him alone as worthy of worship.Mention His praises, supplicates to HIm and you will find then by the will of Allah- happiness, peace and illumination.
A lot of people always said I made stupid decisions when it comes to my life just because I don't do the "norm" or listen to them but trust me...it's only because i have thought well and have faith in Allah without a single doubt. Loving Allah, knowing Him, remembering Him, seeking peace in Him,singling Him out of complete love, fear, hope and dependence on Him-these qualities when combined in a person, constitute a sort of heaven on earth. These are the qualities that bring peace to those who love Him,a sort of PEACE that has no comparison in this world.
Many has said that I am quite rude when I also said Allah is my best friend. Its hard to explain to them what I truly mean but it is important that a special relationship exist in the heart between the slave and his Lord, a special relationship that allows the slave to feel so close to his Lord that he requires no other. Thus, he finds company when he is alone, and he taste the sweetness of remembering Him and supplicating to Him. Allah's slaves will continually face hardship until he/she dies but if he/she has that special relationship relationship with his/her Lord, all of the hardship of life will become easy for him/her.